Misadventures in Internet P0rn with ClothOff.com

People often accuse (slander) Flappr of being a smut blog and me of being a smut peddler. Neither is true, of course. Yes, Flappr occasionally dabbles in ribald humor and entertainment blogs, but our primary content has always been historical documentaries on revolutions!

I'm a documentary filmmaker, dammit! It's in my Twitter bio!

Well. . . all that being said, I may have (inadvertently) created a porn site.

Allow me to explain. . .

Flappr has an online merchandise store, and I had a free, unused, domain name at my disposal. Given the popularity of "Cloth Off Friday", a video that lampoons the aggressive horniess of Indian men online, and the playful opportunity to associate the phrase with an online clothes store - my domain name choice was simple. ClothOff.com would be the web address for Flappr's online merchandise store.

The store only exists because I like designing things and because it offers a way for our loyal friends and followers to support our work. In reality, all profits made from ClothOff.com have either been donated to charity or used to send free shirts to Flappr.net contributors as a way of saying "thank you".

Since I have never viewed Flappr as a profit-making enterprise, I rarely ever share links and generally pay very little attention to ClothOff.com. Actually, you don't pay much attention to ClothOff.com either! In the history of the store, we've sold something like 20 items.

Now, while neither you nor I have paid much attention to ClothOff.com - others, quite hilariously, have been visiting the site.

Allow me to explain further. . .

About a month ago, I connected the site to Google Analytics. About a week ago, I finally checked the web traffic statistics and discovered that thousands of people, from all over the world, visit ClothOff.com, probably thinking it is a porn site.

More specifically, over the last 28 days, over 4,000 people visited ClothOff.com, probably thinking it was a porn site.

Given that the average time users spent on the site before leaving was ONLY 4 seconds, I'm guessing that they thought ClothOff.Com was a porn site.

I found this hilarious and decided to dig deeper into the data, searching for funny trends. The most hysterical discovery was within the "User by Country" report, an excerpt from which I will share with you now:

No, your eyes are not deceiving you.

Over the last thirty days, 849 men living in India really did type the web address "ClothOff.com" into their browsers, presumably thinking they were going to be blessed with bobs but ending up finding this Professor Jimbo t-shirt instead.

This is very funny.

849 Bonkable Bengalis visited ClothOff.com and exited within 4 seconds. LOLOLOL. Can you imagine how disappointed they must have been? 849 Mumbai Miscreants were all horned up, ready to crank one out to some bitch lasagna only to learn that Flappr had claimed their favorite cloth status ("off").

Now, to be fair, Indian dudes were not alone in their internet porn misadventures.

Horny humans in the United States (probably Indian immigrants), Spain, Brazil and Mexico (among several other places) all visited ClothOff.com over the past 30 days.

I can already hear some of you doubting the veracity of this data, thinking to yourselves "Well, Bart, how do we know these people weren't just visiting ClothOff.com based on the occasional links you share on Twitter?".

While it would be a tremendous ego boost to think I could move that type of traffic, allow me to share with you the following data:

Nope, only 36 of you clicked on a link shared on Twitter, the rest of the visitors found ClothOff.com by typing it into their browsers or searching for it on Google.

I'm not sure if there is a greater point to all of this, but when I discovered this data, it did make me laugh pretty fucking hard. In a way, this data does seem like proof that New Delhi Degenerates really do use the phrase "Cloth Off" as part of their horny boy lexicon.

Maybe that's the takeaway? We've proved that "Cloth Off" is an actual real thing, not just an internet joke made at the expense of Indian men. That's pretty funny.

Here's another funny aspect to all of this - more people will mistakenly visit ClothOff.com today than will consume the blog you're currently reading. Probably multiple times more, to be honest.

Actually, that's not funny, it's depressing.

To be accused of running a smut blog, only to accidentally create a fake porn site that outperforms the smut blog people accusing you of running. That's some real Shakespearean-humor-type-shit right there.

Oh well. Onward.