Flappr's 2022 Big Juicy Booty Award

On July 13, 2022, a date which will live in infamy, a Democrat Congresswoman from the Bronx was suddenly and deliberately attacked by a right-wing provocateur. His weapon of choice in this heinous act of sexual violence: words.

His punishment: instant fame.

The assault drew a series of lines in the political quicksand of a long-simmering cultural war--between White and Brown, Jew and Catholic, Male and Female, Smart versus Dumb, Wealthy over Poor, even Straight versus highly suspected bisexual (on account of her soy beta ginger "boyfriend" who was present during the attack but didn't notice, as he was busy walking a tiny dog).

It was on the steps of the US Capitol that Alex "Primetime99" Stein uttered the now viral words, calling Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez "my favorite big-booty Latina."

"I love you, AOC, you're my favorite," he said, filming the event with his phone. "She wants to kill babies, but she's still beautiful.... Look at that booty on AOC. Look how sexy she looks in that dress... Hot hot hot like a tamale."

The Stein-Cortez War, as it will be known, was an exaggerated spectacle--salacious or hilarious, depending on your news source.

For people who follow Stein on social media or watched the actual video, it was a masterful troll that so-confused the former Bronx bartender that she seemed pleasantly entertained by the compliments.

For people who accept the mainstream media's editorialized renditions of global events like this one, Stein was a "creep" and a "heckler" who sexually assaulted AOC with "disgusting" and "lewd" comments that were both racist (isn't everything) and sexist (#metoo).

Before AOC knew who he was, she stopped to pose for a selfie, then sent a staffer to get his phone number, which Stein proudly presented--on a BlazeTV business card. It was at this point that flattery turned to assault. AOC got on Instagram and took the story viral with embellishments that made Freud snort in his grave.

"Look at that big ass," was how AOC recalled the interaction. "Look at that big juicy booty."

The irony of the story wasn't that AOC used the incident to blame Capitol police for letting in January 6 rioters (which they did), nor that she was initially flattered by Stein's colorful compliments (possibly assuming, as she's known to do, that Stein wanted to date her).

The irony is that AOC's booty is neither big nor juicy. It is arguably not even Latina. Navajo perhaps, or Korean, but before this incident went viral, nobody Googling "big juicy booty" would find a picture of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

In fact, women with actual Latina booties (who also didn't get the joke) were incensed by the characterization. "Fake news!" they screamed, calling AOC a "cracker," a ditz, and a big booty imposter.

There were several worthy candidates in the running for Flappr's 2022 Big Juicy Booty award. J.Lo, Sonia Sotomayor, Oscar from The Office, to name a few. The problem is, J.Lo didn't do anything in 2022 except get married (J.Af?), Sotomayor's Latina booty is gigantic but not juicy in the true sense of the term, and Oscar--while still pumping out top-notch State Farm commercials--is only Latina on TV.

For a year that will be remembered for gender pronouns, "birthing people," and transgendered shop teachers with fetish toy tits--where the "woman of the year" had a penis and an ogre in a hoodie won "most stylish people"--giving the coveted Big Juicy Booty award to someone whose booty is neither big nor juicy seemed completely appropriate.

News, after all, isn't about facts. It's about what goes viral, and thanks to Prime Time Stein, AOC's quarter-stack of flapjacks did just that.

Congratulations, AOC. You've been trolled.