This has been a very good year for Joe Bidens all over the world. Many Joe Bidens have accomplished feats worthy of praise and have contributed to their communities in a positive, selfless manner.
While the field was crowded, Flappr is proud to present this year's Joe Biden of the Year Award to ... Joseph ("Jo Jo") Thibideaux Biden III of Tallulah, Louisiana!
JoJo was named after his Father, Joseph ("Joe") Thibideaux Biden II, and let me tell you. . . Jo Jo T. Biden had quite a 2022.
But to understand Mr. Biden's 2022, we must flash back to early 2020, pre-pandemic, when against all advice from friends and family, JoJo opened his first business that combined two of his life's passions - crabs and American muscle cars.
Yes, in January 2020, Joseph T. Biden opened "JoJo's Hellcats N' Crabs" - a first of its kind concept which married a traditional Cajun-style crab eatery with a car dealership specializing in the sale of Dodge Hellcats.
Many people in JoJo's life told him the business idea was "crazy", "dim-witted", "doomed for failure" and "absolutely fucking retarded" - and early on it appeared those nay-sayers were correct.
Opening on Martin Luther King's birthday, sales at JoJo's Hellcats N' Crabs were dismal for most of 2020. Part of the blame can be assigned to the onset of a global pandemic, which caused Jo-Jo to shutter his doors temporarily. Yet, most residents Tallulah, a town of only 6,068 people, will tell you that while loved both crab legs and Dodge Hellcats - both luxury items that most in this pleasant little bayou town (with a median income of $30,409.00) could not afford.
In fact, by mid-April 2020 - JoJo had not sold a single Dodge Hellcat and his crab leg business had been middling at best. In private moments, JoJo himself would tell you that he began to doubt the longevity of business venture.
Then in late April 2020, something changed. . .
On April 20th 2020, JoJo, crestfallen and weary, dragged himself out of bed at 11:30 am and drove down to the lot to open up his shop for what he expected to be another lonely day of boiling seafood, when he noticed a line and formed outside the dealership.
Concerned that he was being robbed, JoJo sprang from his vehicle, pumped his shotgun and yelled expletives at the group of men congregating outside the door of JoJo's Hellcats N' Crabs.
Yet, these men were not there to riot nor purloin the vehicles on the lot - they were there as consumers. These men had cash, wanted to lease Hellcats and eat crab legs - two things that JoJo had in abundance.
Shocked, but eager to move inventory, JoJo opened up the store and began filling out leasing contracts (at usury interest rates) for five Dodge Hellcats.
When JoJo asked the men what initiated their visit and purchase of these high-powered and high-priced vehicles, the group looked at each sheepishly before one replied "It's PPPay Day" causing the whole group to erupt with laughter.
A day later, more men showed up, wanting leases for Hellcats. Then, a day later, a group of local women arrived and devoured his entire inventory of crab legs in a single sitting.
Before JoJo knew it, he was calling his seafood vendors to increase his crab leg orders by 10,000%. This unexpected spike in sales meant JoJo needed to increase his staff, leading him to hire Vietnamese-born Giang Hien Dung as his head chef.
Dung was not trained in Cajun-style cooking, but JoJo had developed an admiration for the beauty of Indo Chinese women from his service in Vietnam - an affliction Jo-Jo often jokingly referred to as "yellow fever".
Dung, a terrific chef in her own right, quickly picked up on the intricacies of the Cajun crab boil and elevated many of the dishes with her own blend of southeast Asian spices.
By the end of 2021, JoJo T. Biden, a former school bus driver, found himself as the operator of the most profitable business in all of Louisiana. The man who once struggled to find enough money to replace his broken microwave saw his net worth balloon to over $50 Million Dollars.
In January 2022, JoJo took the money he had made in the previous year and re-invested it into a tow-truck and repossession enterprise. With Hellcat sales dropping exponentially and repossessions of the same increasing dramatically, Biden's new venture proved to be an extremely profitable one.
Later this year, in May 2022, the mayor of Tallulah awarded Biden with the key to the city, for bringing never before seen tax revenues to the once struggling town.
While the mayor was indicted later in the year for embezzling some of those funds, the town, a former Civil War battleground, did see modest improvements to its infrastructure - which would not have otherwise been possible without JoJo's burgeoning crab and car empire.
Most importantly, 2022 was a year of romance for JoJo T. Biden.
In March of this year, Biden worked up the courage to ask his chef, Giang Hien Dung, out on a date. Dung, who was in a dysfunctional marriage at the time, agreed to accompany Biden to the movies, where the couple saw Top Gun: Maverick.
Magic happened in that theater.
It may have been the unchained toxic masculinity of Tom Cruise back in the cockpit of his F-14 Tomcat. It may have been how JoJo Biden opened the door for her, brought her flowers and paid for everything - the type of kindnesses never shown to her by her ne'er do well husband. Whatever the case may be, sources say that two-thirds of the way through the movie, Dung found herself overcome with passion.
As Maverick's crashing plane descended towards the earth, Dung's head descended upon JoJo T. Biden's zipper.
What transpired thereafter remains the source of much debate and speculation in the Tallulah community.
Some bystanders in the theater claim that Dung used her mouth to perform fellatio on Biden - an act which they claim lasted through the end credits of the film.
Some claim it was Dung's hand that pleasured Biden, while others swear Biden was the one performing cunnilingus on Dung.
The truth of what happened that night remains a closely guarded secret between Biden and Dung - yet the couple does freely admit that they fell in love that night, in that theater, watching Top Gun: Maverick.
The two became inseparable after that first date and many agree that their courtship was adorable one. Various members of the staff at JoJo's Hellcats N' Crabs shared with Flappr that shortly after their movie date, Biden started referring to Dung as his "little yellow orchid". Those same staff also claim to overhearing Dung often share her affection for her "big bayou black snake" - an apparent pet name Dung uses for Biden.
By May, Dung's divorce had been finalized.
In June, Biden had purchased a ring and proposed marriage.
Then, on August 15th, in front of close friends and family, Joseph T. Biden wedded Giang Hien Dung in a quiet ceremony at the Tullulah Tabernacle Church.
The Bidens continue to run JoJo's Hellcats N' Crabs N' Repo as they plan their honeymoon for sometime in 2023.
We salute you, Joseph Thibideaux Biden, Flappr's 2022 Joe Biden of the Year.
Honorable Mention #1
We are devastated to report that Joseph Xavier Biden, our 2020 Joe Biden of The Year Award winner, died in February 2022 of an apparent fentanyl overdose.
Joe X. Biden, a native of Waterloo, Iowa, suffered greatly after Mary Anne Davidson, whom many believe is the hottest woman in town, ended their year long relationship.
Many believe it was the loss of Ms. Davidson's affections that led Biden to start abusing drugs and ultimately to his eventual accidental death.
Biden is one of nearly 110,000 Americans to die from fentanyl related overdose in the last year. It would sure be nice if someone, anyone, gave a flying fuck about this issue.
Honorable Mention #2
Joseph Yancy Biden, our 2021 Joe Biden of The Year Award winner, was fired from his job at the Enterprise Rent-A-Car located in the Bismarck, North Dakota airport.
Joe Y. Biden's over 20-year run with the company came to an end in July 2021 after our reporting unearthed that Biden broke protocol by agreeing to process a rental after closing hours for his now current girlfriend, Denise Witherspoon. Biden would go on to receive a hand job from Witherspoon in the front seat of her rented 2020 Chevy Malibu, which, coincidentally was not against Enterprise company policy.
When asked if he was angry at Flappr for losing his job, Joe Y. Biden responded "No" and shared that has used this opportunity to relocate to Tallahassee, Florida, and begin co-habituating with his girlfriend, Denise Witherspoon.
While sources familiar with Joseph Y. Biden thinking say that Biden plans on proposing marriage on New Year's Eve, Biden has denied such allegations and insists that the couple is "taking things slow".
We will update you on the status of this couple in future editions of this award.
Dishonorable Mention
Joseph Robinette Biden
2022 was another disreputable year for our 46tth President, one filled with lies and open affronts to the U.S. Constitution.
Most notably, Biden signed an executive order in August 2022 that canceled federally held student loan debt in a blatant usurpation of the powers of Congress.
While most honest legal scholars agree that Joe R. Biden exceeded his constitutional authority by signing this executive order, the issue of legal standing has made challenging this illegal act quite difficult.
Still, the Supreme Court agreed to hear the case of one defendant, leaving some to hope that this transfer of wealth from the poor to the rich might get struck down.
Then there are Biden's patented verbal gaffes and blunders - 2022 was full of them.
In March, Biden threatened war with Russia when he stated that "this man [Putin] should not remain in power" - comments his press office later walked back and her further clarified:
Walking back Joe Biden's statements was a familiar occurrence for the Biden administration in 2022 - as they were forced to clarify an answer he gave during a 60 Minutes interview where responded "yes" to the question 'US forces, US men and women, would defend Taiwan in the event of a Chinese invasion?”
Biden's verbal diarrhea wasn't limited just to potential global war - in April, Joe R. Biden appeared to stroke out while trying to pronounce the word "kleptocracy"
Then in July, Biden read the stage directions from the teleprompter, saying "repeat the line" when he
was instead supposed just repeat the preceding line from his speech.
Then in October, Biden's ability to count failed him when in a visit to a Volvo factory in Hagerstown, MD he exclaimed "Let me start off with two words: Made in America".
"Made in America" is, of course, three words.
There are countless others worthy of note, but we will end with his final 2022 embarrassment - a completely fabricated story about how, while Vice President, he honored the wishes of his father by awarding his Uncle Frank with a Purple Heart for his heroism in the Battle of the Bulge during WWI.
The only problem with this story was that Biden's father died in 2002 and his uncle died in 1999 - both years before Biden was elected Vice President in 2008.
While Biden's struggle with words, the truth and possibly dementia might be endlessly entertaining to some, Joe R. Biden's abuse of power, corruption and creepiness around children land him his third consecutive dishonorable mention for this award.
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