In the event you missed the news this morning, Bloomberg reported that Hooters, the iconic breast themed, chicken wing restaurant, is preparing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy restructuring in the coming months. We did not miss this news because 69 people tagged us in tweets highlighting this news.
Thank you for that. All 69 of you. Yes, was sobering news.
For many men, going to Hooters for the first time was a rite of passage. You planned for it all week. You made sure nobody told their parents. You coated yourself in Axe Body spray. You tried to play it cool; pretend like you had been there before. You scolded your creepy friend for staring too longingly. For fucks sake, man, play it cool, like me, who is definitely not staring too longingly.
You said things like "The wings are good, I'd come here regardless of the hot chicks" to convince yourself that you were not a pervert.
You'd plan out some awkward banter to deploy on Wendy, your Waitress with Wanton Tongue-Waggers, only to go catatonic before she finished explaining the specials. Though, to be fair, the thought of going to Hooters to order coconut shrimp was inconceivable anyway.
You would grossly overtip Wendy because she drew a heart on your bill. You'd consider writing down your cell phone number on the back of the receipt but would decide against it . . . that's something only a douchebag would do.
You'd walk out, arguing with your friends over which waitress you found most attractive and convinced that they all wanted to bang.
This was the Hooters of my youth. This Hooters no longer exists. So, while I do feel bad that a once great American institution has fallen on hard times . . . I cannot say that I am surprised, and I shed no tears for the pretenders parading around in Hooters' skin as they spiral toward liquidation.
Hooters is a dead brand. Has been for years. When was the last time you heard anyone talking about Hooters? The only times I've seen their name brought up was to help propagate lies like "millennials don't like boobs". Disgusting how little juice this powerhouse name now wields. Sadly, the chain was put to rest by its progressive C-Suite who attempted to shed its "regressive" brand by desecrating the iconic Hooter's waitress uniform in 2021 to comply with "modern times".
But the company had already lost its way by this point, lowering its hiring standards, no longer attracting the best, not-so-brightest, but bustiest, talent. To my memory, the cup size of your average Hooters waitress in the Chicagoland area started to decline as far back as the early aughts. This led many, including my 18-year-old self, to take our business elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, All Milkers Matter, but if you call yourself "Hooters", then the staff should have sizable ones! That's the whole theme of the restaurant!
If someone opened a comparable restaurant named "Stingers", staffed by flat-chested servers, I would be on board! They could serve chicken nuggets with honey mustard sauce! Their signature drink could be a Hot Toddy or some other honey-based concoction. The concept would likely fail but would at least be logically consistent!
Unfortunately, it would appear that the ruinous effects of Bidenomics might be the final nail in the coffin for Hooters. The cavalry of the Mommy Milker Era arrived too late to save and revitalize this once breast-in-class brand. Are you fucking happy, Joe? Where was the "inflation reducing" promised by your Inflation Reduction Act? WHY'D YOU KILL ALL THE CHICKENS, JOE! BIRD FLU, MY ASS, BIDEN! YOU JUST WANTED TO SCREW TRUMP AND RUIN HOOTERS BEFORE WE COULD FIX IT, YOU SICK, KID SNIFFING, FUCK! EAT A DICK, BIDEN!
Oh well, with the potential bankruptcy filing of Hooters, new opportunities emerge. The company may be purchased by true bosom enthusiasts and restored to its former glory (if someone wanted to finance this and put me in charge, I would be perfect for this role). The chain may also be liquidated, destroyed, sold off for parts and cease to exist. This would be sad, but would provide green space for a new, breast-themed brands, to emerge and become iconic in their own right (if someone wanted to finance this and put me in charge, I would be perfect for this role). Only time will tell. This is a story, worth watching.
Thank you for taking this trip down Mammary Lane with me.
Editor's Note: Long-time Flappr readers might notice that this blog was adapted from the July 19th, 2024 edition of Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects. One of the benefits of having written about SO MUCH for SO LONG is that sometimes, I already have content to work from . . . and I thought what I had was already pretty fucking accurate. But it's also been updated and ENHANCED by some new gifs and timely literary updates.
Hope you enjoy.