Dear Readers,
My good-for-nothing granddaughter, appropriately named "Kennedy" (since she drinks like a slob and has crashed three cars in her 18 years of life), has her pointless graduation this weekend. Apparently, she’s into “art”, and something called “tick tock,” and as you may imagine, we don't always see eye-to-eye. Nonetheless, her mother asked for my thoughts on her schooling. So, I recommended a suitable girls college such as Vassar, whereupon to my chagrin I was informed Vassar is no longer all-girls.
By God, when did this happen? Of course, there were a few co-educational schools in my day, but now all of them? Every single one? Has the nation lost its mind?
Then I was given an explanation of something called "MeToo". No, I'd never heard of it either. But it seems it is part of a broad movement to curtail the rampant licentiousness I've been noticing for the past several decades. Everything from modern courtship to campus policies are being reevaluated - to which I can only reply "Bravo! It's about damn time!"
Truly, what God-fearing father would send his little girl, flower of his eye, into such carnivals of burlesque as our universities have become? According to completely trustworthy reporters, one in five young ladies will experience an "unspeakable incident" while at college. One in five! For Pete's sake! We might as well send them to prison. Probably safer for them. And they might actually learn some real-world skills along the way, like how to make toilet wine.
In my college days, if a fella wanted to court what we used to call a "looker", he started by formally alerting the matron of the girls dormitory (in writing) of his intentions. Then, after submitting the necessary credentials (letters of recommendation, pledges of good conduct, etc), he might be allowed to wave at her from outside her window.
After that, if the matron approved, and the girl’s parents approved, he and the young lady might be allowed a visit to the ice cream parlor under the strict eye of a chaperone – in my case, it was Mrs Gricklegrass – until about 9 o’clock sharp, then it was back to the dormitory for check-ins. Sure, we all hated those rules at the time, but it worked, by gum.
Of course, all that went out the window in the 60’s, and – utterly predictably – our institutions of higher learning have since degraded into riotous saloons of carnal lust.
Have you people forgotten everything?
Unless there's a war on and a bunch of Krauts that need killing, young men are the most obnoxious, useless, reckless, grotesque element in society. The only thing we can do is ruthlessly educate them. And you can't educate properly if they've got "sweeties" scampering all over the place looking to "hook up" or "net flicks and chill" or whatever they call it these days.
As far as I can tell, these MeToo gals have the right idea. We need to go back to the old system. It was a damn fine system, in my opinion. You keep your young ladies in one college, and your young bucks in another - either that or send the guys overseas to fight a bloody war (and maybe it's high time we started one!) As every father knows, girls crave attention, and boys are - well, filthy farm animals. If that makes me a feminist, then so be it!
Sincerely,
James O’Flannery
P.S. I’ve just been informed my presence at Kennedy'’s graduation party will no longer be required. Not that I care or anything. It's good to be alone once in a while. Or for a weekend. Or most of the time. Or always... God, I'm lonely...
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