NFL Week 1: Reviewed

I love the NFL and writing about football, even if most of you actively avoid reading my football-centric blogs. Regardless, I plan to bring Flappr's Big TDs Football Blog back this season and make these short recaps part of the weekly T.I.T.S. experience . . . because it's fun for me.

This will be my speed-run recap of each game from the previous week, where I use as few words as possible - 16 (or so) sentences for 16 games - to summarize the events of each game. Accordingly, the traditional rules of grammar will be stretched to the extreme - this is intentional and should be enjoyed as such!

Chiefs 27, Ravens 20 - Go read last week's T.I.T.S., where I broke this game down in a fair amount of detail; whew, one game reviewed already!

BONUS: has Taylor Swift entered her "low-key big boobs" era?

Eagles 34, Packers 29 - Jordan Love is hurt, and the Packers lost, that's a shame, I feel so bad for them; just kidding, I don't feel bad for them, and I am happy that their defense still looks shitty despite hiring a new Defensive Coordinator.

Saints 47, Panthers 10 - The Panthers and Bryce Young (hahaha) suck, this team is going to pick number 1 again and draft Shaduer Sanders (will suck for another decade); the Saints' offense looked amazing - Alvin Kamara looked rejuvenated, Derek Carr threw 3 TDs and might not suck as bad as we thought?

Vikings 28, Giants 6 - Amazing stat: Danny Dimes has thrown 3 pick sixes and only 2 passing TDs since getting that huge contract in 2023; Sam Darnold looked very serviceable as the starting QB for the Vikings - it helps to have Justin Jefferson catching passes for you.

Bears 24, Titans 17 - Caleb Williams and the Bears offense looked fucking terrible - they did not score any touchdowns, netted only 64 passing yards, and made me want to Aaron Bushnell myself. Thankfully the Bears' defense and special teams stole the show and helped the Bears earn a Lovie Smith-era style victory, but that's unsustainable, and if Caleb Williams is a bust I will BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT; Will Levis threw a terrible, game-losing, pick-six - he sucks and shouldn't have broken up with Gia Duddy.

Texans 29, Colts 27 - Holy shit, did you see this throw from Anthony Richardson?

What about this one? Both were fucking siccckkk, but the Colts still lost and Richardson only completed 9 of his 19 passing attempts; Texans made a convincing statement that last year was no fluke, Stroud looked legit, Stefon Diggs caught two TDs, and Joe Mixon was a BEAST.

Patriots 16, Bengals 10 - This was the stunner of the weekend, nobody saw this coming, but we probably should have because Burrow and the Bengals always play like shit at the start of the season (combined 1-8 during Weeks 1 and 2 under Burrow); Patriots still suck, fuck them for what they did to Bill Belichick.

Bills 34, Cardinals 28 - Josh Allen put on his Superman cape and brought the Bills back from a 14-point deficit, throwing for 2 TDs and rushing for 2 more:

Allen will not be able to sustain this type of effort for a whole season without getting injured; the Cards remain a feisty team, but lack the talent to win games against superior opponents - a very fun-to-watch six-win season is likely.

Dolphins 20, Jaguars 17 - Tyreek Hill was arrested for reckless driving before the game, but still played, had 130 receiving yards, and scored the game-winning TD - Tua was the only QB to throw for more than 300 yards on Sunday; the Dolphins still feel like frauds come December and Trevor Lawrence continues to play just well enough to lose games his team should win.

Steelers 18, Falcons 10 - Justin Fields started because Russ hurt his calf, the Steelers didn't score a TD, but still won by kicking 6 FGs and because TJ Watt is a freak of nature:

Watt made like 10 plays like this on Sunday; Kirk Cousins turned the ball over 3 times and didn't look 100% coming back from torn Achilles - the Falcons continue to be a fucking joke, should've hired Bill Belichick. Fuck them.

Seahawks 26, Broncos 20 - The Broncos recorded 2 safeties, but somehow still lost because Bo Nix threw 2 picks and looked pretty shitty; the Seahawks didn't look much better but did run the ball well in Mike McDonald's coaching debut.

Chargers 22, Raiders 10 - Ugly game, the Raiders turned the ball over 3 times, the Chargers didn't turn it over once - that's why they won; lovable psycho, Jim Harbaugh, won his first game in return to the NFL.

Cowboys 33, Browns 17 - DeShaun Watson fucking sucked (51.1 Quarterback Rating) and has been dreadful since the Browns gave him a 5 year, $230,000,000 fully guaranteed contract - the team would suffer a $172M in dead cap hit if they cut him after this season, so they are fucked; the Cowboys were as impressive as Tom Brady was in his broadcasting debut (not very):

Buccaneers 37, Commanders 20 - Baker Mayfield, the quarterback the Browns traded away after acquiring DeShaun Watson, was fucking awesome (146.4 Quarterback Rating), throwing 4 TDs in blowout victory; Jayden Daniels' debut was pretty good, rushed for 2 TDs, but his stats came mostly in garbage time.

Lions 26, Rams 20 (OT) - Awesome OT thriller in a rematch of the Divisional Round from last year - Jared Goff got extra revenge against Sean McVay, who shit on him and tried to banish him to Football Siberia (Detroit) via the trade for Stafford; both teams looked like they will be playing playoff football again this winter.

49ers 32, Jets 19 - Aaron Rodgers played and didn't get hurt, which was the best possible outcome the Jets could've hoped for when traveling to Santa Clara to play the defending NFC Champs; Rodgers looked good and made some sick throws, like this one:

But the Jets couldn't get their running game going, fell behind, and never found a sustained rhythm on offense; the Niners, lead by Flappr's Official All-American Boy, Brock Purdy, looked like a team that hadn't just gone through a chaos-riddled offseason and wasn't missing Oliva Culpo's husband, All-Pro running back, Christian McCaffrey.

Purdy looked great, the Niners look stacked and if they stay healthy, they may end up returning to the Super Bowl for the third time under Kyle Shannahan.