No introductions let's just dive into what all you SICKOS came here for . . .
Packers 20, Bears 19
I know what you're thinking: "Bart is probably going to write 'IM GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT" 50 times". Well, you'd be wrong because Bart is dead inside. Bart is a husk of a human, hallowed out by years of humiliation and disappointment. I'm like Theon/Reek from Game of Thrones. My communist captors from Green Bay have tortured me to the point where I have disassociated from everything - my name, my life, my genitals, and, most importantly, the pain.
When I saw that field goal blocked on Sunday afternoon, I didn't weep, I silently chucked to myself, turned the TV off, and started cleaning out the garage. It wasn't a shock, it was expected. Sure, it sucked when my phone erupted with a dozen texts from my gloating in-laws from Wisconsin, but the Bears have lost 11 straight to the Packers and aren't making the playoffs this year so . . . meh.
Moreover, my Bears coping skills have become ELITE. I have convinced myself that yesterday was the best possible outcome for my team. Caleb Williams looked better - MUCH BETTER AND MUCH LESS GAY - than he had in the previous three weeks. Williams completed over 74% of his passes, had a 95.0 passer rating, and led his team on a game-winning drive with three straight dimes. They should've won the game, but they didn't, and that's a GOOD THING long-term because now they'll have a higher draft pick, and our dipshit coach is now certain to be fired. How can I be sad when we're CLOSER to winning a Super Bowl by losing?
Also, Jordan Love does not scare me. He's not terrible, but he's not Brett Favre or Aaron Rodgers - not even close. Jordan Love is a homosexual who threw his league-leading 11th interception on the day. He is getting worse. He is beatable.
The Packers won, but they almost lost to a pathetic Bears team in disarray. Maybe they'll make the playoffs, but they're not doing anything special this season. They're NOT making the Super Bowl. So, we must ask ourselves, who REALLY won on Sunday? I know my answer (the Bears).
Just kidding, I can't believe this happened again and I want to blow my fucking brains out. My wife had to beg me to take the gun from my mouth! Tee hee!
Lions 52, Jaguars 6
The Jaguars are fucking terrible, the Lions are very good and Jared Goff might be the front-runner for MVP. On Sunday Goff went 24/29 for 412 yards, 4 TDs, and a literally perfect 158.3 passer rating. Goff is currently ranked 2nd in passer rating (112.1), 2nd in completion percentage (73%), 4th in TDs (20), 9th in yards, and quarterbacks the best team in football. Those stats plus his redemption story arch typically correlate to winning the MVP award.
Oh, and Lions' players, Za'Darius Smith and Malcolm Rodriguez did the Trump dance after Smith recorded a sack on Sunday:
The Lions are kicking asses and having fun. Must be nice to root for them right now. Fuck my life, I'm jealous of Lions' fans.
Dolphins 34 - Raiders 19: Tua lit the Raiders up for 288 yards and 3 TDs and has played well since he returned. I am happy for Tua, but the Dolphins are still fucked with a 4-6 record, currently two games out of the final playoff spot.
The Raiders are fucking terrible, but Week 7 Caucasian of the Week, Brock Bowers (13 catches, 126 yards, 1 TD) is a certifiable stud who did the Trump dance after scoring a TD yesterday:
Nothing else really matters here.
Fun Stat: Only fellow Republican, Mike Ditka, has more receiving yards for a tight end than Brock Bowers through the first 10 games of their careers.
Vikings 23, Titans 13
After starting hotter than shit, Sam Darnold had fallen into a funk, tossing only 6 TDs to 7 INTs in the five games before Sunday. But he returned to his early season form in a predictable win over the very shitty Tennessee Titans, tossing 2 TDs and racking up 246 passing yards on the day. The Vikings are somehow 8-2 on the year and play . . . the Bears next week. Fuck my life.
Oh, and Calvin Ridley did the Trump dance after scoring a TD:
Quite a trend we're witnessing . . . NFL players embracing and mimicking literal Orange Hitler . . .
Fun Stat: The Vikings rank 4th in the league with 35 sacks this season and will probably take turns sodomizing Caleb Williams all over the field next week.
Rams 28, Patriots 22
The Rams improved to 5-5 and now sit in 2nd place in the very dysfunctional NFC West. That division is very weird and the Rams, who started 1-4, now look like they have a shot to win their division. They might unless the 49ers ever wake up.
The Patriots lost, but Drake Maye looked good (30/40, 282 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT). That's the best possible outcome for them this year.
Moving on.
Steelers 18, Ravens 16
The Steelers continue to win and makes zero fucking sense to me. They're not as good as the Ravens. They're not as good as many of the teams they play and beat, but they just fucking find ways to win.
On Sunday, they beat the Ravens for the seventh time in their last eight matchups and they did with a suffocating defense. Let's watch TJ Watt skull fuck 255-pound Derrick Henry, who leads the NFL in rushing this season.
The Steelers' defense shut down the NFL's best offense, holding the Ravens to season lows in points and yards (329) while forcing three turnovers. If you're not going to have a functional, high-powered, offense, this is how you have to win games. The Steelers have figured this out and perfected it in a way that no other modern NFL franchise can claim.
With the win, Pittsburgh is now 8-2 with what amounts to a 2.5-game lead over second-place Baltimore. The Steelers look like a lock to return to playoff football. Unreal. Kudos to them and Mike Tomlin.
FUN STAT: Lamar Jackson has more MVP awards (2) than he does wins against the Pittsburgh Steelers (1).
Saints 35, Browns 14
The Saints scored 21 unanswered points in the 4th quarter to beat the Browns in this week's Sad Bowl. New Orleans has gone 2-0 under interim head coach Darren "The Rizzler" Rizzi and won this game on the legs on Tyson Hill, who put the game away on this 75-yard run to the house.
Hill, a quarterback-running back-fullback-tight end hybrid, finished the game with 7 rushes for 138 yards and 3 TDs and added on 8 catches for 50 yards. On Sunday Hill became only the second during the Super Bowl era to have eight or more receptions, 130-plus rushing yards, and three or more rushing touchdowns in a single game making him our . . .
CAUCASIAN OF THE WEEK: TYSOM HILL!
Taysom Shawn Hill is the ultimate NFL Swiss army knife. Hill went undrafted as a quarterback out of BYU in the 2017 NFL draft but signed with the Green Bay Packers (OF FUCKING COURSE) as a free agent before being released during final roster cutdowns. Then-Saints head coach, Sean Payton, being somewhat of an offensive genius saw potential in Hill and picked him up on waivers - first starting him on special teams and then working him into the offense by the end of his second season, where he played QB, TE and RB all in the same season.
Hill's deceptive speed, grit, determination, and football IQ led Payton to expand his role in the offense and elsewhere. During his career in New Orleans, Hill has 19 tackles, has forced a fumble, blocked a punt, converted on fake punts (throwing and running), returned punts, thrown for 11 TDs, run for 33 TDs and has 11 TD receptions. Hill is one of just two players in NFL history to log a combined 10 passing touchdowns, 10 receiving touchdowns and 25 rushing touchdowns in his career. He is a player from a bygone era, when dudes would played both sides of the ball. Very gritty. Very scrappy. Great work ethic! Very High IQ Football!
Most importantly, Hill has a great white guy name. "Taysom Hill" sounds like the name of a bro-country artist that drops the song of the summer and is never heard from again (until he writes a song that upsets libtards). We salute Taysom for his tireless work ethic, dedication to his craft, the "heady" way he plays the game, his endless array of intangibles and for having a jawline you can set your watch to! Taysom Hill is the kind of NFL player you'd let your daughter date and he's our Caucasian of the Week!
Colts 28, Jets 27
Anthony Richardson looked good in his return to the starting lineup (20/30, 272 yards, 1 passing and 2 rushing TDs)!
Aaron Rodgers was pretty good too, but his season of unrelenting woe continued with an 8th loss in 11 games.
I just wrote like 500 words on the Saints, so that's all I got here.
Fun Stat: Aaron Rodgers' parents once sent him Christmas gifts and he sent them back to them, unopened, because he was mad at them! What a psycho!
Broncos 38, Falcons 6
Bo Nix had his best game as a pro (28/33, 307 yards and 4 TDs) and the Broncos committed an act of non-consensual sexual assault on the Atlanta Falcons.
The Broncos are now 6-5 on the year (should be 7-4 if not for that blocked FG at the end of last week's game against KC) and are currently the 7th seed in the playoffs. Nix has been getting better as the season goes on and the Broncos offense is starting to look similar to the later stages of Drew Brees in New Orleans. Sean Payton is not asking Nix to do too much and Nix is operating efficiently within the system. Bo's career progression - seeming like he might suck and be finished - reminds us of another, similarly situated, king of the comeback . . .
Denver is no threat to win the division or a Super Bowl, but they sure do look like they'll be playing playoff football this year.
Meanwhile, the Falcons have lost two straight after taking what looked like a stranglehold on the NFC South. They're still two games up on everyone else but no longer feel like the inevitable division champ. Atlanta's defense looks especially weak - ranking last in the league with only 10 sacks. If the Buccaneers can get hot, they might just have a chance to catch the Falcons by the end of the year.
Seahawks 20, 49ers 17
This game made me sad.
I do not like the city of San Francisco or its inhabitants, but I do like Brock Purdy, Nick Bosa, Christian McCaffrey, George Kittle and many other dudes on the Niners. I do not want to see them miss the playoffs, but they started this season in a funk, and every time it looks like they're ready to right the ship . . . they find a way to run the ship right back into the pier.
Part of San Fran's problem is injuries. Christian McCaffrey was injured the first 8 weeks of the season. He came back and the Niners lost George Kittle. They lost Brandon Aiyuk to a torn ACL back in October. On defense, things are even more bleak - Javon Hargrave and Talanoa Hufanga are on IR, Dre Greenlaw is still recovering from a ruptured Achilles last year and Nick Bosa couldn't finish Sunday's game due to a lingering oblique injury.
Beyond that, the Niners just look kind of bleh. Disjointed. There aren't many big plays on either side of the ball. Their kicking game has cost them a couple of games this year. Everything that can go wrong seemingly has gone wrong.
With the loss, the Niners are now 5-5 and tied for last in the NFC West. They don't look like a contender. They might miss the playoffs. That would suck because this team is fun to watch when they're good. I still have faith that they'll figure this out because Kyle Shannahan is a great coach and Flappr's All-American Boy, Brock Purdy, is a proven winner . . . .
. . . but the clock is ticking.
Bills 30, Chiefs 21
KC finally lost a game, and it came at the hands of their biggest AFC rival.
Yes, the Chiefs were undefeated, but they haven't felt like a juggernaut this year. In fact, they kind of feel like the Eagles did last year - a team that started the season 10-1, but never really dominated their opponents. I don't think the Chiefs will implode the way the Eagles did last year, but I do feel like they're very vulnerable this year.
KC's offense has not been impressive this year. Mahomes is tied for the league lead in INTs and boasts only a 15:11 TD:INT ratio. They rank in the middle of the pack in yards per game, points per game, and near the bottom in rushing yard average and net yards per passing attempt. On Sunday, the offense finished with a season-low 259 yards. The Chiefs have only survived this season on the strength of their defense, special teams, and help from NFL officials.
The Bills, on the other hand, are playing well despite losing many of their top offensive weapons. If Jared Goff isn't the MVP this season, then it's going to be Josh Allen, who has done it all this year while limiting his number of turnovers. Allen wasn't perfect, but he did what was necessary to put KC away, including this absurd 4th down scramble to put the Bills up by 2 scores with only minutes left:
This was awesome and it took balls for Sean McDermott to go for it on 4th down with a chance to extend the lead to five. Perhaps, the Bills have learned a lesson from years of heartbreak against Mahomes - you cannot play it safe; you must go for the kill shot. They did that on Sunday, let's see if they can do it in January.
Fun Stat: Josh Allen's rushing touchdown was the 58th of his career, moving him past O.J. Simpson into second place on the Bills all-time rushing TD list.
Chargers 34, Bengals 27
The Bengals fought back after falling behind by 21 points to tie the Chargers, but could never claim the lead. Cincy is now 4-7 and essentially done for the year.
The Chargers are 7-3 and Harbaugh looks like a candidate for Coach of the Year.
That's all I got, this blog is long and I doubt many of you came here to read my thoughts on Chargers-Bengals.
TONIGHT: Texans (-7) at Cowboys
This feels like a trap game. Cooper Rush looked HAWRIBLE against the Eagles, but the Texans are not playing well enough to cover a seven-point spread on the road.
My pick: Texans 23, Cowboys 14
My 2024 MNF Record: Straight Up (4-2), Against the Spread (3-3)