NFL Week 12: Reviewed

Welcome back to the BIG TDs Football Blog!

This is your speed-run recap of each game from the previous week, where I provide my uniquely Flappr commentary on each game from the past week!

Let's get to it!

Browns 23, Steelers 19 - Go read last week's S M & U T, where I broke this game down in a fair amount of detail; phew, one game reviewed already!

Vikings 30, Bears 27

The Bears found a new way to lose this week.

Trailing by 11 points with only 22 seconds remaining, Caleb Williams threw a touchdown to Keenan Allen and then hit D.J. Moore for a 2-pt conversion, reducing the deficit to three. The Bears then converted the ONLY onside kick of the 2024 NFL season and then Williams hit Moore on this absolute beauty for 27 yards:

This set up the Bears to kick a field goal and send the game into overtime! Which they did! They won the toss and got the ball first! But . . . then proceeded to go three and out and lose the game on the following Vikings possession. They also had another field goal blocked and turned the ball over on muffed punt.

**sigh**

I am frustrated, but I am not going to blow my fucking brains out. This will sound like a cope, but I am about as happy as I can be with the outcome of this game. The Bears need a new coach and losing helps ensure we get one next season. Caleb Williams was VERY good in this game against a tough Vikings D, completing 32 of 47 passes (77% comp) for 340 yards, 2 TDs, and 0 INTs. He missed some throws he shouldn't have, but he also made some throws that only one other QB in the league (Mahomes) could complete. Caleb Williams led his team on his third game-winning drive of the season (they just happened to lose all three games).

Simply put, Caleb Williams was VERY heterosexual in this game and at this stage of another failed season, that's all that matters. That's sad, but it's the truth.

Oh, and to all my large, lutefisk-eating, friends in Minnesota . . . do you really think this Vikings team is that good? Don't get me wrong, they're not bad and certainly better than the Bears right now . . . but do you think this team is as good as their 9-2 record suggests? I do not - they have holes and they're beatable. If not for two hilarious Bears special teams miscues, they probably lose this game. They're a solid B-Tier contender in the NFC, but nothing more.

And before you start any Minnesota vs Illinois bullshit, just remember that our governor might be a fat communist, but at least he's not a fat, gay, communist.

Suck on that, you SPAM-loving socialists!

Fun Fact: Fuck you, Minnesota!

Buccaneers 30, Giants 7

The Giants are a total mess and appear primed to fire both head coach Brian Daboll and GM Joe Schoen. It is no surprise that Daboll's plan to energize the team by inserting excessively Italian quarterback, Tommy DeVito, failed.

The Bucs are a better team. They won. And I love Baker Mayfield but watching him score a touchdown and then mock Tommy DeVito's trademark gindaloon hand celebration felt unnecessarily mean. Mayfield is a Heisman trophy-winning, former-first overall pick. DeVito is an undrafted second-year QB who has maximized his talent in the few opportunities he's gotten in the NFL - not exactly a fair target for Mayfield, who won the Heisman Trophy before being selected first overall in 2018.

Part of what makes Baker Mayfield such a fun player to root for is that he's an asshole, but this felt like watching a jock stick his foot out to trip a special needs student and then laugh uncontrollably when he fell into the mud. Not really funny, just kind of like . . . "awww man, why'd you have to pick on that kid, I saw him eating boogers during homeroom.

Then again, it is always fun to make fun of Italians . . . so, maybe this is fair game?

Fun Fact: The Giants have scored the fewest points in the NFL.

Chiefs 30, Panthers 27

I told you last week that the Chiefs looked vulnerable. I did not, however, think they looked "barely lose to Bryce Young and the Panthers" level vulnerable. The Panthers tied this game with less than 2 minutes left and KC needed a 33-yard scramble from Mahomes to get them into position for the game-winning FG.

Last year, the Chiefs would've blown this Panthers team out by 30, they barely eked out a W. The team looks different. Everything is a bit off. The defense has carried them most of the year, but this week - Mahomes threw 3 TDs and the defense allowed Bryce Young to toss for a season-high 263 yards and a TD.

Again, things look off with the Chiefs. They keep winning because they have Championship DNA, but if they don't figure some things out, they're going to end up playing against a team (the Bills or Ravens) whose talent will overcome the Mahomes-Reid-Kelce-Jones mystique and end their season.

Dolphins 34, Patriots 15

Tua torched the Patriots for 317 yards and 4 TDs. The Dolphins won their third straight and improved to 5-6. They are somewhat back in the playoff hunt, but their current win streak has come against shitty teams (Rams, Raiders, Pats).

We will see if the Dolphins are REALLY playoff contenders when they travel to Wisconsin next week and play those cheese fucking clowns in Green Bay.

The Patriots suck. That is all there is to report here. Moving on . . .

Fun Fact: Tua Tagovailoa's full name is Tuanigamanuolepola “Tua” Tagovailoa and it is illegal in the city of Green Bay to be Samoan, complicating matters for the Dolphins' visit next week.

Titans 32, Texans 27

For weeks ago, the Texans were 6-2 and had the equivalent of a three-game lead over second-place Indianapolis Colts. Since then, they've gone 1-3 with losses to the Jets, and now the Titans, mixed in with a close loss to the Lions. C.J. Stroud, who entered the season on somewhat of a pedestal, has regressed (statistically, at least) in his sophomore year.

After throwing only 5 INTs his entire rookie season, he's already thrown 9 through 12 games. His TD% is down. His yards-per-game average is down. His yards per attempt is down. Everything about the Texans' offense looks materially worse than last year, Stroud included.

And yet, The Texans still hold that three-game lead over the rest of the AFC South (tiebreaker included) because the rest of the AFC South sucks big hairy donkey penis. But are the Texans legit Super Bowl contenders? I think the answer is no.

Meanwhile, Will Levis actually looks pretty good lately! He outplayed Stroud in this game, tossing 278 yards and 2 TDs (1 INT). In his three games since returning from minor surgery, the second-year QB is playing the best football of his career -completing 53-of-78 passes for 748 yards, with 5 TDs to only 2 INTs.

Those are pretty good numbers for a guy who became a meme for game-losing futility earlier this season. It would be nice to see the Titans signal caller change the "Will Levis is a retard who can't play football" narrative that has developed, because Levis seems like a good enough dude and is easy to root for.

We shall see.

Fun Fact: Will Levis once dated this girl, Gia Duddy, but then broke up with her.

Lions 24, Colts 6

The Lions dominated the Colts on their way to their tenth victory of the season. Detroit outgained Indy by 120 yards, held the ball for 14 more minutes and converted on 9/15 third downs while limiting the Colts to only 3 out 12 conversions of the same.

After looking somewhat competent in a win over the Jets, Anthony Richardson looked like Anthony Richardson again - completing less than 40% of his passes. Genuinely do not know what the Colts do with this kid, he's only completed more than 50% of his passes in only 2 of his 8 starts this season (for comparison, 60% completion percentage is seen as mediocre, base level of competency)!

It's very hard to win games when you're that inefficient at throwing the football. The Colts are now 4-7 and are officially a sad team to watch.

Fun Fact: The Lions have scored a touchdown in 25 consecutive games (including the playoffs) a league record.

Fun Fact #2: Jared Goff is married to ELITE SSO, Christen Harper:

Packers 38, 49ers 10

Fuck the Packers. Fuck Jordan Love. Fuck Matt LaFleur. They bullied the Niners without Brock Purdy or Nick Bosa. I don't even count this game as a win, it's officially not a win for Green Bay.

They're cheaters and I hope they all get diarrhea.

Fun Fact: I hate the Green Bay Packers.

Broncos 29, Raiders 19

As if things couldn't get any worse for the Raiders this season, Gardner Minshew

broke his collar bone in this game and is out for the remainder of the season. Desmond Ridder, who was cut by Atlanta and Arizona this season, despite being cheap and having 19 games of starting experience, is now Las Vegas' presumptive starting quarterback.

Thankfully, all of this bad news does not appear to have fucked up Mark Davis' dick-game. The bowl-cut-haired, P.F. Chang's loving, owner of the Raiders was seen on the sidelines, rizzing up a few Sin City baddies prior to kick-off:

Mark Davis is friends with a little guy known as Tom Brady, ever heard of him?

Unfortunately, Davis and Brady, their team sucks and they lost to a team that only seems to be getting better as the season progresses. Bo Nix posted another impressive game, going 25/42 for 273 yards and 2 TDs to lead the Broncos to their 7th win of the season. Not bad from the rookie signal caller who looks more and more like late-career Drew Brees with every passing week.

Denver is now 7-5 and would make the playoffs if the season ended today. That Sean Payton guy might be pretty good at coaching. Who knew?

Fun Fact: Mark Davis is the sexiest owner in the NFL.

Cowboys 34, Commanders 26

The Commanders offense looks like shit lately. This is a common occurrence for Kliff Kingsbury-designed offenses. The argument is that eventually, defenses catch on to the schemes and play designs Kingsbury runs and his offenses flounder down the stretch. The numbers seem to confirm this theory - 68% of Kingsbury's wins as HC/OC/Offensive Advisor have come in the first half of a season.

The Commies started this season 5-2 and are 2-3 since (should be 1-4 if not for that FUCKING HAIL MARY against the Bears), including Sunday's loss to the Cooper Rush-led Cowboys.

The hype around Jayden Daniels is starting to wain too, he doesn't look like the world-beater he was to start the season (many are calling him a bust with turnover problems). His performance against a Cowboys defense that had given up the SECOND-MOST points league was not good - 275 yards, 2 TDs, and 2 INTs. These numbers are not impressive and would've looked terrible if not for a dump pass that Terry McLaurin took 86 yards to the house with less than a minute left.

Washington fans believed that this score was about to send the game into overtime and it WOULD have, if not for a soul-crushing missed XP.

Awwwww too bad fuckos! Suck a dick and then choke on the dick and die. If you can't tell, I still haven't gotten over that Hail Mary. Jayden Daniels sucks. Fuck him.

Fuck the Cowboys too. I don't know why, but fuck 'em.

Fun Fact: Fuck you three, Carl!

Eagles 37, Rams 20

Nobody can stop Saquon Barkley right now. The former second-overall pick averaged 9.8 yards per carry enroute to a 255-yard, 2-TD game, including this house call from 72 yards away:

Barkley also added 47 yards receiving just for kicks, giving him 302 total scrimmage yards on the day - only the 12th time in NFL history a player topped 300 yards in a game. Just fucking remarkable - the type of stuff that we all kind of thought was possible when he was coming out of Penn State.

Big picture-wise, the 2022 version of the Eagles might be back. Sunday's win was Philly's seventh straight, the team is now 9-2 and has been dominating opponents the way they did during their Super Bowl run 2-years ago. There is no team in the league that wants to play them right now - not with the way the offense is humming and not with the way they've been rushing the passer, racking up 11 sacks over their past three games.

As of right now, the Eagles look like the only team that could threaten the Lions' dream of reaching their first-ever Super Bowl.

Fun Fact: Over the last two games, Saquon Barkley has amassed over 500 yards from scrimmage. That's more than the Jets (460) and the Jaguars (313) have gained as a team over the same two-game stretch.

Seahawks 16, Cardinals 6

What an ugly score. I can't get my juices up to write about a game that ended 16-6. There is nothing sexy about a 16-6 game.

Sorry Seahawks fans, I know you took over first place with this victory. I'm very happy for you, I like Geno Smith, but I'm getting ZERO erection from this score.

I also don't think any team from this division is a threat to do anything in the postseason. The NFC West is just the island of misfit toys right now. Nobody wants to claim the division for themselves, they just keep finding ways to lose and let other teams back into the race. Seattle was 4-5 two weeks ago and in last place. Now they're 6-4 and in first place.

Ugly division. Ugly score. No sexual arousal whatsoever from this game.

I didn't even want to make a GIF for this matchup, but I had to do something to get the taste of mediocrity off of my tastebuds.

Fun Fact: Only 34 games in NFL history have ever finished with the score 16-6 and I'm sure that none of them produced a viable boner.

Ravens 30, Chargers 27

It's late. I'm tired. The Ravens won. Derrick Henry and Lamar Jackson are very good. The Chargers are a scrappy team but lack playmakers.

The Harbaugh that I like less beat the Harbaugh that I like more.

Pee pee. Poo poo. Ka-ka. Doo Doo. Good night.

Fun Fact: Lamar Jackson leads the league in total yards.

ON BYE: Falcons, Bills, Bengals, Jaguars, Saints, Jets