Welcome back to the BIG TDs Football Blog! Sorry I missed last week, but my dog passed away and I wasn't in the mood to write 5000 words on football for the 40 of you that read each week!
My apologies! I'm back now, though, so let's get to it!
Lions 34, Packers 31 - Go read last week's S M & U T, where I broke this game down in a fair amount of detail; phew, one game reviewed already!
49ers 38, Bears 13
I was busy during the game yesterday (family engagement) and did not watch this game. This is unusual for me, I haven't missed many Bears games over the past 20 years (even the bad ones). I did get an occasional update from others checking their phones and it sounded like we got butt-fucked in San Francisco, butt as they say . . . when in Rome (Odunze)!
You know, I'm no football genius, but it seems difficult to win games when you get outgained by 315 yards in a half! SO MUCH FOR THE FIRED COACH BUMP! The Bears lost their seventh straight and were outgained by 315 yards in the first half. Caleb Williams was bent over and pounded by large men 7 times during this game (not because Williams is a homosexual but because this is a Bay Area custom). Williams has now been sacked 56 times during the season - most for a Bears quarterback in the Super Bowl era. NOT GREAT!
**sigh**
Time to hook up my copium machine and see how I can find a silver lining here.
Let's see here . . . well, yes, the Bears were humiliated in this game, but at least they didn't lose in heartbreaking fashion! They got their asses pounded! They never had a shot to win and didn't lure us into believing otherwise this time!
And losing this game is better for the Bears. Right now, the Bears 4-9 record gives them the ninth pick in the draft, but they are only one win better than the 3-10 Patriots, who hold the THIRD pick in the draft . . . so keep losing, I guess!
Also, Williams has now gone seven games without throwing a pick. That's cool! And he threw two touchdown passes in this game to our other impressive rookie, Rome Odunze, including this sweet ass catch!
So, yeah, it's not good to be embarrassed on national TV (again), but it could've been worse! And I don't mind losing to the Niners, who are currently one of my favorite teams in the league. Flappr-Endorsed All-American Boy, Brock Purdy, played his best game of the year, going 20/25, for 325 yards, 2 TDs, and a 145.4 passer rating! That makes me happy, even if it came against the Bears.
There you have it, there is always good to be found in any given situation. Even 38-13 losses to teams beleaguered by injuries and coming off back-to-back humiliating losses! That's called perspective, folks!
Fun Stat: Fuck you, there is no fun stat for the Bears right now.
Dolphins 32, Jets 26 (OT)
Aaron Rodgers threw for 300 yards for the first time in nearly three seasons, but Tua Tagovailoa drove the Dolphins for a game-tying field goal in regulation and then threw a 10-yard touchdown pass to Jonnu Smith on the first possession of overtime to keep Miami's slim playoff hopes alive.
What a weird season for two teams that had Super Bowl aspirations coming into the year. Outside of a few clunkers, the Jets could easily be 10-3 instead of 3-10 - they've lost SEVEN games by one score or less. Likewise, had the Dolphins not lost Tua for four starts early in the season (three of them losses), they're likely 10-3 instead of 6-7 and two games out of the final playoff spot.
But that's the NFL - it's cruel, maddening, and losing organizations find ways to lose and continue losing.
Fun Fact: With the loss, the Jets were officially eliminated from the playoffs for the 14th consecutive year - the longest active playoff drought in professional sports.
Jaguars 10, Titans 6
Mac Jones won this week's sad bowl. He threw two picks and zero touchdowns. These teams are incredibly depressing. There is nothing else to say here.
Fun Fact: Doug Pederson still coaches the Jaguars. Why? I don't know.
Saints 14, Giants 11
The 4-8 Saints beat the 2-10 Giants by the score of 14-11, there is nothing worth writing about this game. Time for a palate cleanser.
Much better.
Fun Fact: A New York Giants player allegedly paid an Only Fans model to flash the Saints team during the game to distract them.
Maybe there was something worth writing about in this game. Check back Friday.
Vikings 42, Falcons 21
Minnesota shoved their Viking horn into the mouth of their recently departed quarterback, Kirk Cousins, picking him off twice and Sam Darnold sodomized the Falcons defense, throwing for 347 yards and FIVE TOUCHDOWNS, including this one to Justin Jefferson:
Yeah, Falcons, you might want to cover Justin Jefferson (who finished the game with 132 yards, 7 receptions, and 2 TDs) he's the best WR in football! He makes big plays! Not covering him is a poor defensive strategy!
The loss was the Falcons' fourth straight and knocked them out of first place.
The Vikings are now 11-2 on the season and appear to be on a collision course with the 12-1 Lions for a pseudo-Division Championship game in the final week of the season. Sam Darnold is enjoying a career renaissance this season - having thrown 28 TDs this year to only 10 INTs. Minnesota is a fun team to watch and are a lo-key dark horse to win the NFC. MUST BE FUN TO ROOT FOR SUCH A TEAM!
Next up, they play the Bears, at home, on Monday Night Football. I can't wait to watch that game and embrace the existential dread of my fandom.
Fun Stat: In his last four games, Kirk Cousins has thrown for 0 TDs and 8 INTs. The Falcons are 0-4 in those games. Not good, Kirk!
Fun Stat #2: Fuck you, Vikings fans. I hope you choke on cured fish, you lutefisk eating communist sodomites!
Eagles 22, Panthers 16
Jalen Hurts threw for only 108 yards on 14/21 passing and the Eagles couldn't find any offensive rhythm the entire day. Philly nearly lost this game and might have if Xavier Leggette hadn't dropped this touchdown on the final drive of the game:
Yet, Saquon Barkley still rushed for 124 yards, the Eagles won and clinched a playoff berth for the seventh time in eight seasons. That's pretty damn impressive organizational consistency.
Meanwhile, the Panthers continue to play well against quality opponents. Bryce Young isn't exactly dominating out there, but he's clearly taking a step forward after his disastrous rookie campaign and being benched earlier in the season. The former first-overall pick looks less like the "biggest bust in NFL history" and more like a "guy who never lived up to expectations". That's progress!
Fun Stat: Saquon Barkley now has 1,623 rushing yards this season, surpassing LeSean McCoy for the franchise record for most rushing yards in a single season.
Steelers 27, Browns 14
There was no repeat of the snow globe game that these teams played in their last meetup. The Steelers (the good team) beat the Browns (the bad team) at home by two scores. That's what is supposed to happen. Former Kansas City Chief ball-dropper, Kadarius Toney, dropped another ball. That's what is supposed to happen.
Russell Wilson threw for two touchdowns, but only for 158 yards on 15/26 passing. That's meh. Sometimes the Steelers' offense looks meh. The question remains if this offense's meh-ness will doom them to another early playoff exit.
Hard to say, but I would bet on yes because the Steelers struggle to run the ball efficiently (3.9 ypc) and their passing offense seems inconsistent.
Fun Stat: The Steelers are 13-3 over their last 16 regular season games dating back to last season while starting Mason Rudolph, Justin Fields, and Russell Wilson at quarterback.
Buccaneers 28, Raiders 13
After losing four straight, the Bucs have won their last three games and currently sit atop the worst division in football. The Bucs' current three-game win streak has come against three last-place teams, the latest being the Raiders, whom Baker Mayfield shredded for nearly 300 yards and three touchdowns.
The Bucs supplanted the Falcons atop the NFC South, but lost both games to Atlanta earlier in the year, meaning Tampa will need to finish the season with a better record to claim their fourth straight division crown.
They probably will. I guess? I like this team, but they're clearly just battling for King of the Retards status. At best, they win the division and surprise a wild card team at home before losing in the divisional round.
Meanwhile, the Raiders started Aidan O'Connell in this game, who had to be carted off the field due to a knee injury. I am not sure what the Raiders saw from O'Connell that inspired them to make him a focal point of the team this year, but they did seem to really like him. It sucks that he got injured again, but his play throughout his young career screams "third-string quarterback" to me.
Hope he gets well soon.
Fun Stat: Aidan O'Connell, an Illinois native, looks like Farva from Super Troopers.
Seahawks 30, Cardinals 18
The Seahawks wrested control of the NFC West on the back of almost 200 combined yards and two touchdowns from Zach Charbonnet.
With the win, Seattle's fourth straight, the 'Hawks improved to 8-5 and staved off a three-way tie atop the division. They're not all that impressive, though, right? Geno Smith is a fun story to root for, and I understand that he leads the league in passing yards, but what about his 14 TD to 12 INT ratio this season? Likewise, the Seahawks' middle-of-the-road 38% third-down efficiency would not worry me if I was scheduled to play them come January.
The Seahawks are among the best in the mediocre tier of teams this season. They can beat other mediocre teams but struggle against true contenders. When Seattle played the only two good teams on their schedule - they got their doors blown off, losing by a combined 34 points to the Bills and Lions. They have a chance to change this narrative over the next two weeks, with home games against both the Vikings and Packers . . . but I'm not convinced they will.
Much like the NFC South, this division just doesn't seem likely to put forth a champion that will do much come playoff time.
Fun Stat: With the loss, Kyler Murray is now 0-5 vs Geno Smith all time.
Rams 44, Bills 42
Josh Allen passed for 342 yards, threw for 3 TDs, rushed for 82 yards and scored 3 rushing TDs for the Bills (an NFL record) . . . who still somehow lost this game.
The offensive numbers put up in this game were pretty wild: over 900 total yards, over 650 passing yards, 11 touchdowns, 0 sacks, 0 turnovers, and only 4 punts. This game ultimately came down to a blocked punt, which the Rams returned 22 yards for the outcome-deciding score.
The loss was an impactful one for the Bills, who now likely have no chance of overtaking the Chiefs for the number 1 seed in the AFC - meaning a potential AFC Championship showdown between the two would be played at Arrowhead.
Meanwhile, the Rams who started the season 1-4, have won 6 of their last 8 games and stand as the sole legitimate contender to the Seahawks for the NFC West crown. LA's recent winning ways coincide with their offensive weapons finally getting healthy, most notably Puka Nacua and Cooper Kupp who missed a few of those early season losses due to injury. In this game, Nacua and Kupp combined for 17 catches, over 250 yards and 2 TDs. When these two are on the field, defenses have to play less aggressively, Matthew Stafford gets sacked less and the Rams offense is very difficult to shut down.
The Rams, currently in second place, one game behind Seattle, finish the season with three of their last four games against the Niners, Cards, and Seahawks. At a minimum, it will be fun to watch down the stretch.
Fun Stat: Josh Allen racked up 52 fantasy points this week, but I had him on my bench because I was distracted and forgot to check my lineup. I lost this matchup!
Chiefs 19, Chargers 17
The fucking Kansas City Chiefs.
The fucking Kansas City Chiefs doinked their fucking way to a division title.
The fucking Kansas City Chiefs are 12-1 but could easily be 9-4 or 8-5! However, remember when I was talking about the Jets and said, "Losing organizations find ways to lose and continue losing"? Well, the same goes for winning organizations - they find ways to win and continue winning and the fucking Kansas City Chiefs are a prime example of this - they win by doinking FGs through the uprights and by blocking FGs to save the day.
That being said, this Chiefs team feels as weak and vulnerable as any in recent memory. They rank 11th in points scored. They rank 15th in yards per game, including 19th in rushing yards per game. They rank 24th in Red Zone Offense. Mahomes is having the worst season of his career, seems likely to throw for less than 4,000 yards for the first time ever, and set a career-high in INTs.
Put another way, I am, once again, making the mistake of thinking that the fucking Kansas City Chiefs are not going to win the Super Bowl this year and will, once again, feel very stupid when they inevitably win the Super Bowl.
Fun Stat: Chargers Head Coach, Jim Harbaugh, quoted a ballad about "Sir Andrew Barton" during his post-game interview:
Barton was a famous Scottish seaman (yes, SEAman) who was kind of a pirate, but also kind of part of the Scottish royal navy. in 1511, while cruising the English coast, looking to raid Portuguese treasures, he encountered Sir Edward Howard who had Barton's head removed and delivered to Henry VIII.
Barton's exploits have been immortalized in English and Scottish ballads, making him sort of a rockstar of the high seas, remembered more for his daring than his untimely end. The quote, "Fight on my men, I am hurt, but I am not slain; I'll lay me down and bleed a while, and then I'll rise and fight again." comes from one of those ballads.
ON BYE: Colts, Ravens, Broncos, Patriots and Commanders
TONIGHT: Bengals (-4.5) at Cowboys
The Cowboys are fresh off back-to-back wins against the Giants and Commanders, while the Bengals have lost four straight - all by one score or less. Cincy is the better team, with the better offense and they will beat the lesser opponent.
My pick: Bengals 30, Cowboys 14
My 2024 MNF Record: Straight Up (5-2), Against the Spread (4-3)
Hey! I am one of forty! This weekly review is the only sports news I get, so I appreciate the effort. Thank you!
My Niners stink this year and we still beat your Bears like a red-headed step child. At what point do you give up on that franchise?
I feel like the viking chick in the GIF would totally kick my ass, and I wouldn't mind.
I rely on flappr for all news and sports.
Let’s go Bengals.