NFL Week 2: Reviewed

This is your speed-run recap of each game from the previous week, where I use as few words as possible to summarize the events of each game.

Let's get to it!

Bills 31, Dolphins 20 - Go read last week's T.I.T.S., where I broke this game down in a fair amount of detail; whew, one game reviewed already!

Texans 19, Bears 13 - The Bears should have won this game, but didn't because their rookie QB was getting his ass POUNDED by Texans all night long. I know that sounds like a gay joke, but please, not right now, I'm grieving. Williams was sacked SEVEN times and according to NextGen Stats, Williams was pressured on 36 of 42 dropbacks. This is how you ruin a young QB, by letting defenses hammer him repeatedly, in various barbaric, ,stomach-turning and sinful ways.

The Bears' offensive line has been comically bad thus far - we cannot run the ball, we cannot protect the pass, we cannot stop making pre-snap penalties. This begs the question, why did our GM, a FORMER OFFENSIVE LINEMAN, choose to allocate our resources to a flashy RB and TE instead of acquiring some protection for his rookie QB? Why let hordes of men physically mount and break this young, ample, buck of a QB? Because the Bears are fucking stupid, that's why!

This does not mind you, excuse Caleb's poor play. Simply put, he's looked like a rookie in his first two starts, which is my nice way of saying that he's sucked. His deep ball accuracy has been ATROCIOUS, missing multiple open looks in both games. And . . . his short ball accuracy has been ATROCIOUS, missing multiple open looks in both games. The truly special QBs look special from the first game they play (Mahomes), and when his defense gave him the ball and a chance to win this game, Caleb got on his knees and choked on the girth of the moment.

I'm not ready to pull the "WHY GOD, WHY, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, Caleb Williams is a bust" alarm just yet, but I'm getting pretty close and it's only Week 2. I might take the Kurt Cobain remedy for my Bears quarterbacking migraine by Week 5 if things don't start improving fast.

Oh, and Caleb Williams ISN'T gay, btw. Stop saying that about him!

Saints 44, Cowboys 19 - Derek Carr lit the Cowboys up for 232 yards 2 passing TDs, and 1 rushing TD, and has been the best quarterback in the league through two games. The fucking NEW ORLEANS SAINTS scored on their first FIFTEEN offensive possessions to start the season! Alvin Kamara jumped in a time machine, came back as the 2020 version of himself, and scored FOUR TDs. The Cowboys getting blown out at home has become a yearly tradition.

20 Buccaneers, Lions 16 - This was the best game of the early window on Sunday. These teams beat the shit out of each other. Baker Mayfield was chased around by Aidan Hutchinson all day (4.5 sacks) but kept grinding out scoring drives. Baker's stat line was not gaudy yesterday (12/19, 189, 1 TD, 1 INT), but he made plays like this to lead his team to an impressive road victory:

If I'm being honest, though, the Lions gave this game away. Detroit outgained Tampa 463 yards to only 216 and won the time of possession battle by almost EIGHT minutes, yet still lost. This felt like a loss for the coaches. Sure, Dan Campbell did some Cool Dan Campbell stuff, like this fake punt from his 5-yard line:

But then Dan Campbell did some Retarded Dan Campbell stuff, too like . . . having his FG unit rush on the field while Jared Goff was trying to spike the ball, resulting in a too-many-men penalty that wiped points off the board before halftime. So, this was a pretty standard Dan Campbell game. The Lions are no longer the lovable losers and can't afford to blow winnable games if they want to make another deep playoff run.

Vikings 23, Niners 17 - Many people were shocked by this result, but I was not because Kevin O'Connell is a good coach who beat a 5-1 Niners team last year. San Fran misses Christian McCaffrey, who was placed on IR this week and will miss 4 games with Achilles tendonitis. They racked up a shit load of yards against the Vikings but couldn't get in the endzone without their All-Pro difference-maker in the backfield. Luckily for CMC, he has an SSO who wants to "rip her IUD out" and "have his babies" and is assuredly doing what she can (lots of sex) to nurse him back to full strength.

Packers 16, Colts 10 - Malik Willis won a game that he started at quarterback and looked very competent - going 10-12 for 122 yards and a touchdown! Malik Willis had a career 52% competition percentage with 0 TDs and 3 INTs coming into the game! This makes me want to blow my brains all over the walls of my living room! Fuck Matt LaFleuer (very French, very gay, name) and his coaching prowess. Anthony Richardson's usefulness being limited to a few deep balls each game is not a way to win football games.

Seahawks 23, Patriots 20 (OT) - Somehow, the Patriots continue to play well against superior opponents, this time taking the Seahawks to overtime. The secret sauce appears to be their running game, which racked up 185 yards and helped them win time of possession by over 6 minutes; whatever, the Patriots still lost, still suck and fuck them for what they did to Bill Belichick.

Chargers 26, Panthers 3 - Bryce Young is becoming must-watch TV every Sunday because it's fascinating to see the inventive way he will fail each week. The Chargers skull-fucked Panthers 30 to 3, sacking Young twice, picking him off once, and limiting him to only 84 yards passing on 26 throws (3.2 YPA lolololol).

The Bolts improved to 2-0 behind pounding the rock with the oft-injured combo of J.K. Dobbins and Gus Edwards, taking pressure off of Justin Herbert for the first time in his career. This Harbaugh guy knows how to coach.

UPDATE: Bryce Young has been benched in favor of Andy Dalton. This is incredibly embarrassing, but watching from the sidelines might end up being exactly what Young needs to get his career back on track. He's been the worst QB in the league in his short career, looks lost right now, and wasn't getting better.

Browns 18, Jaguars 13 - This game was an affront to offensive football. Deshaun Watson continues to throw the ball several times per game without accumulating any yards (186 yards on 34 throws). Trevor Lawrence continues to struggle to throw the ball with any efficiency (14/30 for 220 and 0 TDs). Both of these teams are miserable to watch because they should be good, but somehow suck dick on offense. Even the final score 18 to 13 is ugly to look at. The Browns won, but it wasn't satisfying in any sense. Both of these teams have problems.

Jets 24, Titans 17 - Aaron Rodgers is back, well sort of, he made some sick throws in this game but failed to throw for over 200 yards for his second straight game. When you watch him, though, the sparkle on throws remains. Will Levis turned the ball over in almost the same way as he did last week, trying to shovel it to a teammate to avoid a sack. This mistake cost his team points in the red zone and caused his coach to ask this question on the field (watch until the end):

Levis appears to suck, badly and is a candidate to be the starting next QB to be benched this season.

Raiders 26, Ravens 23 - WOOOOOF, the Ravens are down bad right now after losing to the Raiders AT HOME, falling to 0-2 for the first time since 2015! Lamar Jackson became the first reigning MVP to start 0-2 since Kurt Warner in 2002! This loss was an ugly one too - the Ravens led this game by 10 in the fourth quarter before Gardner Minshew remembered that Davante Adams was an All-Pro WR and targeted him like 8 times in three drives to kickstart the Raiders offense and led his team to a W. The Ravens D looks vulnerable. The Ravens O looks constipated. The Ravens Super Bowl aspirations look doomed.

Commanders 21, Giants 18 - This was the Sad Bowl. Two sad teams, playing sad football. One team had to win, and it was the Commies . . . by kicking SEVEN field goals. In a twist of fate, the Giants lost their kicker on the first play of the game and had no backup, despite the fact that they knew Graham Gano had a hamstring injury and had an open roster spot. That decision probably cost them the game. What a stupid, shitty, team. POSITIVE NOTE: Danny Dimes threw 2 TDs in this game, meaning he now has 4 passing TDs and 3 pick-sixes thrown since signing his $160 million contract!

CRAZY STAT: Prior to this game, NFL teams were 1132-0 if they scored 3 or more TDs than their opponent. The Giants (3 TDs) ended that 1132 game streak on Sunday vs the Commanders who had 0 TDs! Congrats Big Blue!

Cardinals 41, Rams 10 - Marvin Harrison, Jr. racked up four catches for 130 yards and two TDs yesterday . . . in the first quarter, including this jaw dropper:

Kyler Murray finished the game with 3 Touchdowns and a perfect quarterback rating of 158.3. The Cardinals are fun team to watch and are quickly transitioning from "spunky team that keeps games close, but loses" to "shit, they might actually contend for a playoff spot this year". The Rams, whom I had high hopes for this season, got their doors blown off and are sitting at 0-2 with their two best playmakers (Kupp and Nacua) currently nursing injuries. McVay's crew is staring at an 0-3 start as an angry Niners team travels to town next Sunday. Not good.

Steelers 13, Broncos 6 - Fucking Steelers did it again, man. No team has won these many games with such little offense than Mike Tomlin's Steelers since the end of Big Ben's peak. This time they beat a shitty Broncos team while averaging only 4.3 yards per play, netting only 251 yards and converting only 4 of 13 third downs. Having T.J. Watt, who can apparently sack QBs by his mere presence, definitely helps win this way:

The Broncos and Bo Nix look particularly shitty through two games of the season. Nix has thrown 0 TDs and 4 INTs thus far, including one in the back of the endzone, which prompted this very funny response in his post-game presser:

Sean Payton thought he was drafting highly accurate and competent Oregon QB, Bo Nix, but so far it looks like he got erratic and shitty Auburn QB, Bo Nix instead.

Not good!

Chiefs 26, Bengals 25 - The refs did it again, they saved the Chiefs from the jaws of defeat with a questionable pass interference call on 4th down and the game on the line:

To me, that ball is uncatchable and the Bengals defender jumps straight up, meaning that that the Chiefs' Rasheed Rice is the one that actually initiates contact. It's borderline, but the refs don't throw this flag if it's not the Chiefs. Yes, I'm just jealous and want them to lose.

The bigger takeaway from this game might be that KC lost RB, Isiah Pacheco, for the foreseeable future with a broken fibula. Pacheco has been Andy Reid's best weapon since the mid-point of last season. If the Chiefs can't run the ball as well as they have been with Pacheco, the pressure on Mahomes to make magic happen swells - making it more likely that he gets beaten up trying to extend plays. This is worth watching.

The Bengals? Well, they're now 1-9 in Weeks 1 and 2 of the season with Joe Burrow under center and Jamarr Chase looks like he doesn't want to be there without a new contract. Things don't look good in the Queen City.

Falcons 22, Eagles 21 - What an ending! The Eagles seemed to have this game locked up until Saquon Barkley dropped a third down pass that stopped the clock, forced his team to kick a FG to go up six and gave the ball back to Atlanta.

ENTER Kirk fucking Cousins! KirkyChainz drove the Falcons down the field in 65 seconds and buried a dagger in the heart of Philly! The Eagles got zero pass rush on Cousins that entire drive and he sliced and diced them for 63 yards before tossing the game winning TD to Drake London from 7 yards out:

The Eagles actually looked like their old selves last night but let this one get away in stunning fashion. It will be interesting to see Nick Siriani can hold the team together or if they'll begin to fold like they did down the stretch last year.