NFL Week 3: Reviewed

This is your speed-run recap of each game from the previous week, where I use as few words as possible to summarize the events of each game.

Let's get to it!

Jets 24, Patriots 3 - Go read last week's T.I.T.S., where I broke this game down in a fair amount of detail; whew, one game reviewed already!

Packers 30, Titans 14 - Malik Willis, who prior to taking snaps for the Packers looked like he belonged in the XFL, threw for 202 yards and a TD and also ran for 72 and a TD. He finished the game with a 120.9 QB Rating. Fuck Matt LaFleur (gay). Fuck Malik Willis (also gay). Fuck Jordan Love (even gayer). Fuck former Packer Jordy Nelson (just because). Fuck the Titans for trading Willis to the Packers only for Wills to beat the shit out of them weeks later and fuck you too!

. . . . I didn't mean that last part, I'm just a little emotional right now. I'm sorry.

You realize how frustrating this is for me, though, right? Green Bay is the Soviet Union of the NFL, which is why Stalin wearing a Cheesehead is the cover art this week. Think about it - the Packers have no owner, they are "owned by the collective" of "shareholders" (aka apparatchiks) living within their Potemkin village.

Well, guess what, you cheese-eating communist fucks, collectivism killed millions! I hope you enjoy your never-ending string of quarterback success while others around you (me) die of quarterback starvation. This is quarterback genocide! A literal Holodomor, ever heard of it?! You already had a Hall of Fame QB on the roster and what did you do to him? You sent Commissar Rodgers to the Jets, the football equivalent of sending him to Siberia to die working in a gulag!

You Lambeau-Leninist cunts make me want to puke!

Broncos 26, Buccaneers 7 - Bo Nix looked like the QB that Sean Payton thought he was drafting (Drew Brees, but not as good) and the Broncos D made Baker Mayfield's day a living hell, sacking him SEVEN times.

This was the perfect Week 3 NFL Game, where a team we thought was good (the Bucs) played a team we thought was bad (the Broncos) and the bad team beat the living shit out of the good team. Now we don't know if the bad team is good or the good team is bad. Both probably suck, though. A very NFL outcome.

Colts 21, Bears 16 - WHY MUST THE LORD CONTINUE TO TEST ME LIKE THIS?!? WHY CAN'T ANYTHING EVER WORK OUT FOR THIS STUPID FUCKING TEAM?!? WHY COULDN'T WE RUN THE BALL AGAINST THE WORSE RUN DEFENSE IN THE LEAGUE?! WHY DID OUR FINGER PAINT-WEARING GLORY (HOLE) BOY TURN THE BALL OVER THREE TIMES?!?! WHY DID WE JUST LOSE A VERY WINNABLE GAME AGAINST A SHITTY QB AND SHIITTY DEFENSE!?!

I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU SICK FUCKS WANT, RIGHT, TO HEAR HOW I'M GOING TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT, RIGHT?!? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!

aheh . . . . that felt good to get off my chest.

Now that cooler heads have prevailed, I can be a touch more reasonable about what I saw on Sunday from my team. We stunk, for sure, but we stunk in a way that calmed my nerves a bit - namely, we stunk because of our terrible coaches who called an awful game and a terrible GM who built a terrible offensive line. Put another way, Caleb Williams played better, continues to play better each week, and does not look like a bust.

What do I mean by that? Well, I was impressed (and have been impressed) by Caleb Williams continuing to operate from the pocket despite being pressured way more than the average NFL QB. Most rookies respond to pressure by bailing on the play and trying to improvise outside the pocket (see: Fields, Justin). That works sometimes, but you have to win from the pocket in the NFL. Williams hasn't let his baptism by fire in the NFL ruin him just yet - an example:

Williams finished his day 33 of 52 for 363 yards, 2 TDs and 2 INTs. It wasn't all good. It wasn't all bad. It was progress for the most important person in the franchise. Likewise for his favorite target, fellow rookie, Rome Odunze, who caught Williams' first TD (which happened to also be his own first TD catch):

But the Bears still lost a very winnable game (Anthony Richardson sucks) because the Bears cannot run the ball (averaging less than 3 ypc) and our coaches call retarded plays like this one on 4th and goal from the 1-yard line:

I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT!!!!!!

Steelers 20, Chargers 10 - The Justin Fields-led Steelers are 3-0 and Fields just had his best game of the season (finishing with 232 yards, on 25/32 passing, 2 combined TDs, and 1 INT). I am not ready to talk about Justin Fields just yet, but I would caution all Steelers fans to wait before buying a #2 jersey. I saw flashes of this in Chicago and your team hasn't had to play from behind yet and Fields hasn't been asked to win Pittsburgh any games. Bookmark this for when he pumpkins.

Ravens 28, Cowboys 25 -

Don't let the final score or any of Dak's gaudy stats fool you, the Cowboys trailed 28-6 in the 4th quarter. They did mount a comeback attempt, but it was mostly just for show. They got their asses beat, at home, for the second straight week:

The Ravens avoided an 0-3 start and appear to have saved their season (for now) by remembering what they do best - run the fucking ball. Henry put up 151 and 2 TDs, Lamar ran for 87 more and the team averaged over 6 yards per carry. That's how they're going to win. That's how they should play.

Giants 21, Browns 15 - The Giants fumbled the opening kickoff, the Browns recovered and then DeShaun Watson threw a TD to Amari Cooper on his first pass of the game. The Browns then let Daniel Jones rattle off 21 straight points before the end of the first half. Deshaun Watson was sacked 8 times and looked like a guy who simply can't throw the ball the same way he did in Houston.

The ball looks limp coming off his hand. Watson looks cooked and has been the worst QB in football (outside of Bryce Young). The Browns are fucked.

Vikings 34, Texans 7 - The Vikings are 3-0, just skull-fucked the Texans and C.J. Stroud into oblivion and Sam Darnold is the best QB in the NFL right now. You all saw that coming right? I mean, I certainly did when I picked them to finish third in the NFC North last month! Look at this throw from Darnold, he's no fluke - he's playing with confidence, going through his reads quickly and throwing decisively:

HOW DID THE VIKINGS GET BETTER AFTER LOSING KIRK COUSINS TO ATLANTA, AND LOSING MCCARTHY TO A TORN MENISCUS AND GET BETTER? HOW IS SAM DARNOLD NO LONGER SHITTY!? I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT!

Well, it's a combination of Kevin O'Connell being a good coach, putting elite talent around him, and Darnold getting a chance to watch after being put in unwinnable positions as a rookie in NY. Darnold was always talented, now he's experienced, has an arsenal of weapons, and isn't being asked to do too much.

Fun fact: did you know that Sam Darnold is YOUNGER than Joe Burrow? It's funny the situation you put a rookie QB in can make all the difference. Maybe more teams should consider that before rushing to draft one in the Top 10 each spring.

Panthers 36, Raiders 22 - Andy Dalton threw for 316 yards, 3 TDs, and 0 INTs and the Panthers blew the fucking doors off of a Raiders team who just went into Baltimore and beat the Ravens. Everyone saw this coming, right?

What an indictment on Bryce Young. This kid gets benched and his team responds by putting up an offensive show as good as any we've seen this season. What this tells me is that his teammates knew he sucked and believed they had a chance to win with Dalton - so they played a little harder. They believed in ANDY DALTON more than the number 1 overall pick from last year and THEY WERE RIGHT!

That is so fucking embarrassing. Not sure what Carolina does Bryce Young now -he has very little (perhaps negative) trade value and cutting him just means dead cap space. Guess he's just gonna sit unless an injury forces him back onto the field? I'm not even sure that Bryce Young wants that to happen.

Lions 20, Cardinals 10 - The Lions got back to Lions' football - they ran the ball 43 times (averaging 4.3 ypc), controlled time of possession (held the ball for 13 more minutes than Arizona!), and won the game.

This allowed Jared Goff to play efficiently off-play action - completing 18/23 passes for 199 and 2 TDs - which is what he does best. No gimmicks. No crazy gambles. The Lions won how the Lions should win. Ok, well, there was this ONE gimmick:

Damn, that fucking awesome! Gimmicks are fun, sometimes!

Seahawks 24, Dolphins 3 - The Dolphins are fucked without Tua (who was placed on IR last week). They had no chance against the Seahawks, who literally pulled down their pants and violated them.

New Seahawks' coach, Mike McDonald, has Seattle off to a 3-0 start and leading the NFC West by 2 games over anyone else. They haven't played a difficult opponent yet but will get their first real test next week when they travel to Detroit. That will be a real "contender or pretender" match-up.

Rams 27, 49ers 24 - This was the best game of the weekend (thus far). The Rams had to have this win and the Niners found a way to give it to them. If you just looked at the box score, you would guess that San Francisco won this game by two scores - the Niners outgained the Rams by almost 150 yards, controlled the ball for seven more minutes, and were better on third downs. But the Niners also missed a crucial FG, gave up a long punt return and, when the game was on the line, Ronnie Bell dropped his pass:

That was a great throw by Flappr's All-American Boy, Brock Purdy, and a TERRIBLE drop by Bell. If Bell HAD caught that pass, with the score tied 24-24 and a minute left on the clock, the Niners would've had the ball on the Rams' 20-ish-yard line and could have drained the clock to zero and kicked the game-winning FG. Instead, the Niners punted, the Rams returned the ball 38 yards to the 50, got the benefit of a pass interference penalty and won the game on a short FG.

While Bell's drop certainly DID cost SF the game, the Niners' defense also imploded in the final 20 minutes of this game - ruining a stellar performance from Purdy (who finished his day 22/30 for 292 and 3 TDs). After struggling all game, Stafford threw for half of his 221 yards in the foruth quarter, including this 50-yard BOMB to Tutu Atwell, who somehow got behind the Niners' D:

Credit to Sean McVay and Stafford for avoiding an 0-3 start and probably saving the Rams season. The Niners are somehow 1-2 and sit in last place (tied w/ the Cards and Rams) in what looks like a very weird NFC West.

Eagles 15, Saints 12 - Philly almost lost another seemingly unlosable game because they turned the ball over twice, failed to convert fourth downs, committed seven penalties, and were unable to score until the 4th quarter. Nick Sirianni turned down a FG and failed to score for the second straight week, causing scumbag Eagles' fans to lose their minds. Saquan got redemption for his game-losing-drop last week by running for two 4th quarter TDs, including this 65-yarder:

The Saints are probably not as good as they looked in Weeks 1 and 2; Derek Carr, Alvin Kamara, and the Saints' offense turned back into pumpkins.

Chiefs 22, Falcons 17 - Last week, Kirk Cousins drove the Falcons 70 yards in just over a minute to stun the Eagles and win the game. This week, in a very similar set of circumstances, he didn't. That's the difference between the Chiefs and the rest of the NFL right now. The Chiefs don't lose close games. The Chiefs don't lose games that they probably SHOULD lose (because the refs rig the game).

That's it. That's all there is to say. Oh, actually, let's talk about this guy!

That Norse-looking white boy carrying the rock is undrafted rookie fullback, Carson Steele, who got 17 carries last night for Kansas City! He gained 72 yards filling in for Isiah Pacheco! Steele's sister was getting married last night while Carson made his first start in the pros! They watched during her wedding reception! Steele has a pet alligator named 'Crocky-J'! His name is Carson Steele - a pretty badass name for a fullback! He's a white running back - not too many of those these days!

If the Chiefs win the Super Bowl this year with Greenwood, Indiana, native, Carson Steele, as their primary ball carrier, all will be forgiven and I will become their biggest supporter. A tandem of Butker and Steele might break the league.

Bills 47, Jaguars 10 - Josh Allen shit pumped the Jags up and down the field the entire night, with the Bills taking a 34-3 lead into the half. It's probably time for Doug Pederson to look for a new job because his team quit on him. Take a look at the effort on this 3rd & Goal play, does anyone look invested in making a stop?

I'd say no! That's pretty pathetic! The Jags have too much talent to get blown out by THIRTY-SEVEN points by anyone! At 0-3, Jacksonville is easily the second biggest disappointment of this young season (the biggest disappointment is coming up next). Meanwhile, the Bills are 3-0 in the midst of their current rebuilding cycle and Josh Allen looks healthy and is playing the best football of his career. It's been a pretty crazy start to the season.

Commies 38, Bengals 33 - The Bengals . . . what a shit show. In Week 1 the offense couldn't score against the PATRIOTS. In Week 2, their D caves on the final drive of the game and lose to the Chiefs. In Week 3, facing down the barrel of an 0-3 start to the season, the Bengals give up THIRTY-EIGHT points to the Commanders AT HOME and get humiliated on national TV

Only six teams since 1979 have made the playoffs after starting 0-3, including just one since 2000, and none have won a Super Bowl. The Bengals are fucked.

The Commies, on the other hand, look like they might have a bonafide quarterback on their hands. Jayden Daniels made some sick throws in this game and, more importantly, he was efficient throwing the football - ending his night with 253 yards passing, completing 21/23 attempts and 2 TDs, including this 27-yard dime to Terry McLaurin that sealed the game:

Wow, that was sick. On third and 7, no less. Pretty sweet. Wish my rookie QB had made a pass that nice this week. Oh well!

I GUESS I'LL JUST BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT!