NFL Week 4: Reviewed

COMMIES! The Vikings are COMMIES!

Welcome back to the BIG TDs Football Blog! This is your speed-run recap of each game from the previous week, where I use as few words as possible to summarize the events of each game.

Let's get to it!

Cowboys 20, Giants 15 - Go read last week's T.I.T.S., where I broke this game down in a fair amount of detail; whew, one game reviewed already!

Vikings 31, Packers 29 - It brings me no joy to report to you that Jordan Love (0-2 as a starter) returned from injury and looked like absolute dog shit for 3 quarters. Love threw THREE interceptions! That's not good! That's very bad!

He threw this one into TRIPLE coverage and injured Christian Watson on the play with his terrible throw! Was this intentional? Was this some communist power play to take out a rival? Are Love and Watson homosexuals and did Love throw Watson into harm's way as part of some lovers' quarrel? I cannot say for sure, but yes.

You know who hasn't thrown a single interception this year for the Packers - Malik Willis, who went 2-0 starting in place of Love (who has not won a game). This has led many NFL experts to question whether or not there is a QB controversy brewing in communist Green Bay! The Packers are in SHAMBLES! We might be witnessing the fall of the Soviet Union! One can only hope!

On the other sidelines, Sam Darnold kept things rolling for mid-career rediscovery, throwing for another 3 TDs and 275 yards - including this one to Justin Jefferson:

That was a ridiculous catch. This motherfucker cannot be covered. The Vikes are now 4-0 with a road division win in their back pocket. Yep, things are looking pretty great for the Purple People Eaters! Unfortunately, Vikings fans must accept that their Governor is an avowed Maoist who loves China, making Minnesota the official team of the CCP. So, if you root for the Vikings, you're a communist sympathizer. No, actually, you're full-blown communists, just like the Lambeau Leninists you beat on Sunday. Sorry, I don't make the rules, you commie-supporting lutefisk-eating dirtbags!

Isn't it weird how two of the Bears' division rivals are secretly communist? Kind of shocking how convenient it is for me to hate and slander them, considering they're both communists and communists are the scum of the earth. Oh well!

Bears 24, Rams 18 - At the start of this game I was ready to blow my fucking brains out. The Bears' first three drives racked up 25 yards, ended in punts, and saw Caleb Williams taking a POUNDING from large men looking to have their way with him. It looked like another Suicide Sunday for yours truly, but then Montez Sweat happened:

The Bears offense followed this turnover by . . . running two unsuccessful plays but then were bailed out by a pass interference call that put the ball at the 1-yard-line! The Bears were able to punch it in from there and take a lead they would not relinquish for the remainder of the game.

The win keeps the Bears playoff relevant for the time being. That's cool, but more importantly, noted female sex organ enthusiast, Caleb Williams, looked like a rookie NFL QB who was learning, improving, and becoming comfortable in the league. His final stat line - 17/23 for 157 yards and one touchdown - wasn't going to win you a fantasy matchup, but he was more than efficient to win this game.

Williams still missed some throws, but he didn't turn the ball over and kept the chains moving. And, when needed, he made some throws I haven't seen a quarterback make since, maybe, Jay Cutler(?) . . . like this TD to D.J. Moore:

Williams recognized Moore was covered by a linebacker, threw with anticipation, and placed it where only Moore could make a play on the ball. Williams made this great throw from the pocket, with his protection breaking down on 3rd and 5.

This is a winning football. This is growth from a young QB.

I'm still not convinced Williams is the messiah, but I am happy for him. He's 22 and was expected to turn this franchise around before ever stepping on the field. When he struggled out of the gate, some (not me of course) assumed the worst and WANTED TO BLOW THEIR FUCKING BRAINS OUT. But he's righting the ship, took home a big W, and celebrated accordingly on his way to the locker room.

Yep. All man. Loves biological female cooter and playing ball. 1000% heterosexual.

Broncos 10, Jets 9 - Bo Nix threw the first TD of his career and led his team to consecutive road victories against teams with winning records!

Bo Nix also started this game by going 7-of-15 for minus-7 passing yards in the first half. He finished this game completing less than 50% of his passes (12/25) and only somehow threw for 60 yards in the game. Nix's long completion on the day was 29 yards, meaning that the Broncos only games 31 yards on his 11 other connections. Nix became the first QB in the Super Bowl Era to win a game averaging less than 2.5 yards per attempt! That's really fucking hard to do!

The Broncos defense is good. After giving up 26 to the Seahawks in Week 1, Denver has only given 29 in the three weeks since. They made Aaron Rodgers look miserable on a rainy day in New Jersey, sacking him 5 times and pressuring him on nearly every damn play.

This is a game the Jets should not have lost and the kind of game they cannot lose if they want to return for the first time in 13 seasons. But they did lose, because they're the Jets and haven't made the playoffs in 13 straight years.

Bengals 34, Panthers 24 - The Bengals finally won a game! They're now 1-3 and have the faintest of heartbeats for their fledgling season (since 2013 only 13% of teams that started 1-3 made the playoffs). If there was ever a team to overcome a 0-3 / 1-3 start to the season, it would be this Bengals team solely based on their talent and the man slinging the rock.

The bad news is that the Bengals defense still sucks. They let Chuba Hubbard run for over 100 on them and didn't sack Andy Dalton once. The good news is that Joe Burrow still looks like Joe Burrow (except for his gay hair), throwing for 7 TDs to only 1 INT on the season. If the Bengals can beat the Ravens next week, things will look considerably brighter in Cincy - until then, they're still fucked.

The Panthers are showing some life, but still suck and have no hope for the foreseeable future.

49ers 30, Patriots 13 - The Niners snapped a 2-game skid with an ass-whooping of the New England Patriots, who suck and whose only achievement this season is beating the Bengals in Week 1 to fuck their season up. This game was never close. The Niners went up 20-0 on this insane TD from Purdy to Kittle and the remainder of the game was just a formality.

That was some Randy Moss-type shit from notable White, George Kittle. San Fran is back to 2-2 with the win. They need to win against Arizona next week before they enter a seven-week stretch where they play Seattle (twice), Dallas, KC, Tampa, Buffalo, and Green Bay.

Falcons 26, Saints 24 - The Falcons were outgained, took more penalties, possessed the ball for 10 fewer minutes and didn't score an offensive touchdown but won this game on a 58-yard FG from notable Asian, Younghoe Koo:

That kick was harder than Chinese algebra and Koo made it look easy! Prior to that, the only Falcons scores came on a pick-six and a fumbled punt into the endzone off the shoulder pad of Rashid Shaheed.

Both of these teams suck, but one of them will probably sneak into the playoffs.

Colts 27, Steelers 24 - Down 3 with just over 2:39 left to play, Justin Fields had a chance to play the hero in Pittsburgh and lead the first real game-winning drive of his career. Instead, he fumbled a snap, lost 12 yards, and threw a pass that should've been intercepted on 4th down. This is not to say that Fields played poorly in this game - he threw for 300 yards and scored 3 total TDs, but every time JF1 (now JF2) was put in this position while in Chicago, he failed. So for as good as he might be looking through 4 weeks in Pittsburgh, the only thing that's changed is the talent around him and what he's been asked to do (much less).

Fields, who leads the NFL in fumbles since being drafted in 2021, fumbled twice more, including this one that took the Steelers out of FG range (they lost by 3).

Joe Flacco came into this game to replace an injured Anthony Richardson (who refuses to slide) and threw for 2 TDs because he's Joe Flacco and he's ELITE. Even if Richardson can play next week, Flacco should start. The Colts are good enough to win if they don't have a QB who turns the ball over constantly.

Buccaneers 33, Eagles 16 - The Baker Mayfield story was fun last year - a former number 1 overall draft pick who bounced around 4 teams in 2 years and then rebounded to make a Pro Bowl and lead his team to the playoffs. This year, he's just fucking good. Real good. Baker had 2 passing TDs in the first quarter today (and a rushing TD).

There aren't many (if any) QBs playing better football than Baker Mayfield right now and that's cool because Baker is cocky, fun to watch, and play with reckless abandon. The Bucs aren't serious contenders for anything other than an NFC South title, but who could've guessed we'd be talking about Baker Mayfield as an MVP candidate after he was released by the Panthers 18 months ago?

The Eagles, however, are not a fun story outside of Saquon Barkley, who netted another 100+ total yard game and seems to do crazy shit like this every week.

Philly could be 3-1, but they could also be 0-4 and nothing has seemed functional about this team since the Niners beat the fuck out of them in December of 2023. They'll still make the playoffs because the NFC is total shite, but Siriani looks to be coaching his final season for The Bird Gang unless they somehow go on a run.

Raiders 20, Browns 16 - The Browns fucking suck. The Raiders fucking suck. One team had to win this game and I would've guessed beforehand that the Browns had enough talent on defense to pump out a sad sticky dribble down their leg to secure the victory. But they couldn't even do that. Deshaun Watson has ruined this team. He continues to throw the ball several times during each game but for laughably low yards per attempt averages per attempt (5.5 this time around). Then when he did have his team in a position to win, he did this:

Watson can't pull the trigger, doesn't get a throw-off, and takes a sack. The Browns lose and are royally fucked. The Raiders suck too. Ugly football all around.

Texans 24, Jaguars 20 - The Texans won this game because C.J. Stroud drove his team 70 yards with 2:39 on the clock and made a clean throw with 18 seconds left to seal the W. This is why the Texans are good. Good quarterbacks win on 3rd down, in the red zone, and in the 4th quarter. For as complicated as we make football seem, this is what matters.

Stroud converted 54% of 3rd downs, while Trevor Lawrence converted 33% of the same. The Texans converted 75% of their red zone opportunities while the Jags converted 66%. Houston scored 7 points in the 4th quarter and Jacksonville scored zero. The Texans are 3-1 and the Jaguars are 0-4.

Chiefs 17, Chargers 10 - Part of the reason why the Chiefs have so much success is that they don't often beat themselves but their opponents often do. Like this play, in a tied game, in the 4th quarter, on a third and 5 from the 6-yard line.

Palmer catches the ball and inexplicably just falls down short of the line to gain when it looked like he could've powered his way in for a TD. The Chargers would fail to score on 4th down and watch the Chiefs score the game-winning points two drives later. You're not going to beat the Chiefs if you fuck up simple things like not falling down before even being touched.

The Chiefs' offensive isn't even all that impressive right now. Mahomes is turning the ball over. They can't run the ball consistently without Isiah Pacheco and their offensive line looks more suspect than I would've thought. But when teams beat themselves, the Chiefs make them pay. They are 4-0. They are going to three-peat and I'm going to blow my fucking brains out.

CAUCASIAN OF THE WEEK: Ladd McConkey

Yet, it was not ALL bad for the boys in powder blue as we witnessed the emergence of a new exciting white, Andrew Ladd McConkey, who made this amazing catch in the first quarter:

McConkey, a rookie out of Georgia, had to reach around a defender to make that grab and was still able to keep his body inbounds to secure his second TD of the year. Impressive agility for this scrappy grinder! Showed a very high football IQ and some true grit and determination. Very coachable! This caucasian sensation joins the likes of fellow melanin-deficient wideouts, such as James Hunter Renfrow, Cooper Dough Kupp, Alec Matthew Pierce, and Adam John Thielen to make pretty sweet grabs on the year. He even has a great white guy name!

Congrats, Ladd!

Commanders 42, Cardinals 14 - Ok, Jayden Daniels is insanely good and he was drafted #2 overall, one pick after the Bears selected known vagina enthusiast, Caleb Williams. This is supposed to make me very angry and upset. Whatever, I don't care. I'm happy that Daniels is doing well, though I wish he was doing slightly less well so that people would stop comparing him with Caleb Williams.

I mean, does he have to run for a TD and throw for a TD every week? Do his teams really need to put up nearly 40 points in consecutive weeks? Did he neeeed to set an NFL completion percentage record through 4 games (82.1%)? Does he reallllly have to complete highlight-worthy throws like this?

I would say no, Jayden Daniels does NOT need to do this, but he seems intent on making things awkward for me.

Well, whatever, I don't care. I will say, however, that I watched another similarly skinny athletic QB light up the scene in D.C. only for his knee to be torn to shred by the end of the year and I would HAAAAATE if that happened again to Jayden Daniels. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I'm not rooting for that in the slightest. Caleb played great this week and looooves pooosay! Shut the fuck up, haters. Stop trying to cause drama where there is none. Both can be good!

Ravens 35, Bills 10 - Ahhh, yes, a reality check game. The Bills are not as good as they've looked and the Ravens are not as bad as they've looked. Josh Allen took his 3-0 team into Baltimore and they got their skulls-fucked good and hard.

This game was never really all that close. The Ravens led 21-3 at the half, controlled the clock and their defense put a hurting on Buffalo every time they touched the ball. Oh and the Ravens remembered they're a running football team and signed an absolute FREIGHT TRAIN in the offseason to . . . run the fucking ball. Watch King Henry take this ball 87 yards to the house. Vintage stuff:

For the Bills, last night's game reminded everyone of all the playmakers they lost in the offseason. Instead of Stefon Diggs making a tough catch along the sidelines, rookie Keon Coleman dropped a sick throw from Allen that would've helped the Bills close the gap before half-time. There was no Gabe Davis to make big-bodied catches in the red zone. The Bills looked pedestrian against a good team, on the road. I still think they're much better than expected, but we might have caught a glimpse of their ceiling on SNF.

Titans 31, Dolphins 12 - I'm not going to pretend like I watched this game. I didn't even watch any highlights of this game. I'd rather watch Tim Walz deep-throat a banana. Even the score was ugly - 31 to 12, what kind of score is that? Makes me flaccid. The only reason to watch this game was to see what kind of hilarious mistake Will Levis would make this time, but he got injured!

Mason Rudolph replaced Levis, but he sucked too. The Titans somehow still won their first game. The Dolphins started Tyler Huntley, who sucks and shouldn't be in the NFL. The Titans and Dolphins have to be the two most irrelevant teams in the NFL right now. They are both bad, but not fun bad like the Jaguars or the Panthers. They're sad bad and sad bad is unwatchable.

Lions 42, Seahawks 29 - This was the best game of the Week 4. Everyone assumed the Seahawks were paper tigers at 3-0, having only beaten the Broncos, Patriots, and a Tua-less Dolphins team. But Seattle went into Detroit and went toe-to-toe with the Lions for most of this game. The Lions won by two scores, but this game could've easily gone the other way. But the Lions won and have their claim as title contenders on the shoulders of their quarterback, who had quite a game.

Goff went a perfect 18-for-18 on the evening, setting the record for most passing attempts without an incompletion in a single game in NFL history. He also tossed 2 TDs and . . . caught that TD above from Amon-Ra St. Brown: Look at that notable caucasian catch and scamper into the endzone!

Now let's talk about the real story of this game - the Lions' black uniforms.

Yep, they're hideous. I posted this on Twitter earlier in the evening and many of you complained and said mean things like "such an L take", "You’re wrong. These rock" and "You keep banging your mom. F outta here." For the record, I do NOT have sexual intercourse with my mother, so YOU can F outta here, sir!

I think some of you got mad because of how wrong you are. Black alternate uniforms are ugly. They are the bane of sports uniform design, a lazy trend that spring up in the 00s by shitty teams looking to make a quick buck. Think of the black alternates we witnessed during the last 20 years. The Mets - hideous. The Niners - an abomination. The Jets, the Commanders, the Cardinals, the Colts and, yes, the Lions - all fucking ugly.

I don't like any part of these alternates. They look like designed by a retarded kid in Madden create-a-team. The black lion logo inset on the blue helmet lacks any contrast, making it look like a black blob. This is a shame because the Lions finally returned to their roots and fixed two decades of tragedy by bringing back their Barry Sanders era look.

These look sick, some of the best in the league (though, I'd bring back the original logo too). So don't call me a hater just because I'm a Bears fan, I like the Lions unirforms, I just hate black alternates and I especially hate black and blue as a color combination. If you disagree, you are wrong and have shitty taste. I know what I'm talking about. I am a fashion designer!