NFL Week 5: Reviewed

VERY VERY HETEROSEXUAL THIS WEEK!

Welcome back to the BIG TDs Football Blog!

This is your speed-run recap of each game from the previous week, where I use as few words as possible to summarize the events of each game.

Let's get to it!

Falcons 36, Buccaneers 30 - Go read last week's Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends, where I broke this game down in a fair amount of detail; phew, one game reviewed already!

Vikings 23, Jets 17 - Vikings descended upon England for the first time since King Harald Hardrada sailed up the River Humber to Stamford Bridge with his men in 1066. However, unlike Harald, this Viking conquest was not repelled and Xi Jinping's favorite team raped the people of (New) York and pillaged a victory.

Yet, this was the first time Sam Darnold looked less like good Minnesota Sam Darnold and much more like shitty NY Jets Sam Darnold, completing less than half his passes, throwing for only 179 yards and no scores while tossing an ugly pick. In fact, the whole Vikings offense has sucked since the second half against Green Bay. The Vikings won primarily on the back of their defense, which picked off Aaron Rodgers three times, with Andrew Van Ginkel taking this one to the house:

The Vikings are 5-0 and they deserve the bouquets being thrown their way right now, but I do wonder if this week was a glimpse of their ceiling long-term.

Oh, and Rodgers looks miserable right now. A-Rod made a lot of pinpoint throws that were dropped by his teammates. He doesn't appear to respect Robert Saleh or the way Saleh coaches this team. Unfortunately for Aaron, the Jets' offense is worse than the Jets' defense and Rodgers is the offensive coordinator in all but name, so he can only blame himself for New York's 2-3 record.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS when you abandon the run and throw 54 passes!

Bears 36, Panthers 10 - Renowned heterosexual, Caleb Williams, balled out on Sunday. In many ways, Williams' performance against the Panthers was his big "coming out party". He didn't turn the ball over, threw for 2 TDs, and topped 300 yards for the second time in 3 games. And his numbers should've been better! He had a rushing touchdown wiped out by a penalty and his receivers fumbled a couple of his balls he placed in their hands! Williams' strong play was so encouraging it was almost as if a big rainbow sprung up over Soldier Field. Watch.

Listen, folks,,, I hate to brag, but I've had an orgasm before (multiple times, actually) and while watching your young quarterback have a breakout game is not as enjoyable as sexual release . . . IT'S PRETTY FUCKING CLOSE!

Williams controlled this game from beginning to end, looking like the game had slowed down for him. The number 1 overall pick showed all of the things that critics had been calling him for, including accuracy on his deep ball:

I'M GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE ALL OVER THE KEYBOARD!!!!!!!

But before I do, I admit that Caleb Williams and the Bears put up 424 yards of offense against a dog-shit Carolina Panthers team riddled with injuries. The Panthers are very bad and suck donkey penis. Their roster might struggle to beat one of those peak-Saban-era Bama teams and the Bears skull-fucked the few decent warm bodies Carolina trotted out there:

If the Bears desire to play meaningful football in December, they need to beat shitty teams like the Panthers. That they beat the Panthers so soundly gives me hope the Bears can fatten up with their next 4 games coming against the Jaguars, Commies, Cardinals, and Patriots. If the Bears can go 3-1 over their next 4 . . . well, let's just say I might end up doing to my television what Caleb Williams does to human biological females (passionate sexual intercourse).

Go, Caleb, Go! Mount her!

Packers 24, Rams 19 - It brings me no joy to report to you that Lambeau Leninist, Jordan Love, sucks and might be the worst quarterback in the whole league. When he's not (allegedly) engaging in communist subterfuge against his (rumored) lover Christian Watson, he throwing some of the WORST interceptions the NFL has ever seen.

Dear Lord (which atheist communists in Green Bay are forbidden from believing in), what was Comrade Love thinking? The decision to throw that ball was a bigger miscalculation than Stalin's bumbling invasion of Finland during The Winter War. Shockingly, General Secretary LaFleur has not benched Love in favor of Malik Willis who is undefeated on the season. It remains to be seen how long the status quo will remain as CHAOS unfolds in Communist Green Bay.

The Packers won 24-19, they are 3-2, Jordan Love threw for 2 TDs, and 224 yards and posted his best quarterback rating of the year. So, perhaps he wasn't so bad.

Ravens 41, Bengals 38 (OT) - Holy shit, what a game, by far the of the early Sunday window. Burrow and Lamar in a heavyweight classic, exchanging blow for blow, racking up yards, and points, and leaving it all out on the field.

Unfortunately for the Bengals, they lost despite nearly 400 yards 5 TDs from Burrow, and nearly 200 yards and 2 TDs from Ja'Marr Chase. They had a chance to win this game in overtime but a botched snap and hold led to a missed FG. When the Ravens got the ball back, Derrick Henry uncorked a 51-yard run and Justin Tucker kicked a chip shot to send Cincy to 1-4 and put their fleeting playoff hopes on life support.

The Ravens have now won three straight, after starting the season 0-2 and they look FORMIDIBLE. Lamar threw for 350+ and 4 TDs in this game and looked every bit like the reigning MVP, pulling rabbits out of his ass like this:

The Bengals should've won this game, but their defense is SHITE and has been all year long. Only the Panthers have given up more points this year. When Cincy ends up missing the playoffs, brutal losses to the Patriots, Chiefs, and this one to Baltimore stick out as the reason why.

FUN STAT: With 92 rushing yards and a rushing TD on Sunday, Derrick Henry topped over 10,000 career rushing yards and 100 combined total TDs. The only other players in NFL history to accomplish this feat in under 125 games are LaDainian Tomlinson, Adrian Peterson, Emmitt Smith, and Jim Brown.

Broncos 34, Raiders 18 - The Broncos' defense is good, but I think the outcome of this game has much more to do with the Raiders being one of the worst franchises in the NFL. In 2019. the Raiders forced Jon Gruden out after the NFL (maybe/probably) leaked "insensitive" e-mails he had sent to his brother. The Raiders replaced Gruden with Rich Bisaccia, who led the Raiders to their only playoff birth in the last 8 years.

Instead of hiring Bisaccia, who was highly regarded around the league, the Raiders hired Josh McDaniels and let him build a dysfunctional roster to his liking. The McDaniels era was a disaster, he was fired midway through last year and replaced by Antonio Pierce, who finished the season 5-4 but is also kind of a dumbass with little coaching experience. Then, perhaps motivated by their mistake of letting Bisacchia walk years earlier, Vegas hired Pierce to be their full-time coach and he's not very good.

Today, he benched Gardner Minshew (who is not good) after two ugly turnovers for Aidan O'Connell (who is very very not good). The results were . . . predictable.

It's a small miracle that the Raiders entered this game 2-2. They have a poorly constructed roster that makes ZERO sense - a combination of stars (DaVante Adams and Maxx Crosby) and guys who shouldn't have starting jobs in the NFL. Las Vegas needs to tear its roster down to the studs and embrace a long-term rebuild - but they won't because they're dumb and continue to make dumb decisions that compound previous dumb decisions.

CAUCASIAN OF THE WEEK: RILEY MOSS

Riley Moss was a star cornerback for the Iowa Hawkeyes, earning First Team All-Big Ten honors twice and being named Big Ten Cornerback of the Year in 2021. Despite being scrappy, cerebral, deceptively quick, and possessing all the intangibles you'd want out of a cornerback, Moss fell to the third round of the draft in 2023. Well, that slight appears to have helped fuel Moss' hard hat, lunch pail work ethic. After spending most of his rookie season on the bench, Riley worked tirelessly in the offseason to become the first regular caucasian starting cornerback in the NFL since Jason Sehorn in 2003.

Then today, this notable caucasian became the first melanin-deficient cornerback to intercept a pass since Troy Apke in 2019!

How about that?! What a heady play! Tremendous fundamentals! This guy is a winner! The type of football player you'd want your daughter to bring home! Moss has a LOT of heart and gets the most out of his abilities! This Des Moines, Iowa native also has a great white guy name "Riley Moss" - our Caucasian of the Week!

Dolphins 15, Patriots 10 - This was the sad game of the early Sunday window. This was the opposite of the Ravens and Bengals. This was like watching Iowa play Northwestern in football - zero offensive flow and LOTS of punting! These two teams suck so fucking bad. They are painful to watch. Before racking up some garbage yards on the game's final drive, Jacoby Brissett had thrown for only 96 yards on 27 passing attempts. That should be illegal.

But it wasn't just bad offense, it was bad everything. These teams are terrible and the NFL should've canceled this game and given both teams a tie. This game set football back 50 years. Please relegate both teams to the XFL.

Jaguars 37, Colts 34 - Joe Flacco is a fucking legend, threw for 359 yards and 3 TDs, but was strip-sacked at the end of the second quarter, which led to a Jaguars FG. Those three points ended up being the difference in the game as Jacksonville became the final team to win a game in 2024.

Oh, and Trevor Lawrence remembered how to be good at football, finally uncorked the clogged colon of the Jags' offense, and unleashed a month's worth of backed-up waste all over EverBank Stadium. This ball (bowel) movement must have felt like a sweet release for Lawrence, who threw for 371 yards and 2 TDs, including completions for 85 and 61 yards - the exact kind of BIG plays missing from this offense all year long.

Sitting at 1-4, three games behind Houston in a stacked AFC, the Jags don't have much hope to pull out of their current state of doom. So ultimately, all this win did was fuck the Colts who fell to 2-3 and have not won in Jacksonville since 2014.

Commanders 34, Browns 13 - Number 2 overall pick, Jayden Daniels won his fourth straight start for the Commies of D.C. - but he threw an INTERCEPTION!

AN END ZONE INTERCEPTION! Caleb Williams didn't do that today. Caleb Williams didn't throw an interception at all AND he loves "vajayjay"! I disagree with those suggesting that Jayden Daniels is a bust, but he's lucky the Browns are terrible or else that terrible INT might have cost his team the game (I am choosing to ignore that he threw for a TD and ran for 82 yards)!

The Browns are the Browns. There is no reason to stick with Deshaun Watson at this point. He cannot throw. He cannot run an offense. Pull off the band-aid and let Jameis Winson try and force the ball to Amari Cooper in triple coverage. That would at least make this team fun to watch. Of course, head coach, Kevin Stefanski shot that idea down in his post-game presser, so, yeah, fuck.

Cardinals 24, 49ers 23 - This was the biggest upset of the weekend. The Niners lost their kicker in the second quarter which caused them to go for it on fourth down in odd situations. That impacted the outcome of this game, but the Niners lost because they're a sloppy football team. Last year's team would not lose at home to an inferior Cardinals team when leading 23-10 in the second half. Arizona was allowed to creep back into this game because of two very costly turnovers. Flappr All-American Boy, Brock Purdy, threw a costly INT deep in his own territory and then Jordan Mason fumbled away a 4th quarter red zone opportunity that would've put Arizona away:

The Niners lost this game despite scoring on a blocked FG. The Niners are now 2-3, currently sitting in THIRD PLACE in the NFC West behind Arizona and Seattle. I think San Fran ultimately wins this division, but blech - they look like a mess right now on offense and defense.

Giants 29, Seahawks 20 - This was the second biggest upset of the weekend, not because the Seahawks are good, but only because the Giants stink worse than one of those DISGUSTING New York bodegas and didn't even have Mailk Nabers this week. But the Giants took an early lead, ran the ball effectively, controlled time of possession, and forced Seattle to abandon the run and throw the ball 40 times. Despite all that, Seattle had a chance to win the game with a minute remaining, but they lined up for a FG, and then. . . this happened:

The Seahawks host the Niners next week in a game that will help shake out which of these two teams sucks worse than the other.

Texans 23, Bills 20 - The Bills trailed this game 20-3. Josh Allen finished this game going 9/30 for 131 yards. The Bills somehow clawed their way back to tie this game. The Bills then gave it away by choosing to throw the ball three times out of their endzone (all incompletions), forcing them to punt the ball back to Houston with 7 seconds left on the clock. Stroud completed a short pass, the Texans called a timeout and John Christian Kaʻiminoeauloamekaʻikeokekumupaʻa "Kaʻimi" Fairbairn (full name) booted this BOMB from 59 yards away:

This franchise-record-long FG sealed the win for Houston and it would never have happened if the Bills had any understanding of clock management. I swear that Bills head coach, Sean McDermott, must have eaten lead paint chips as a kid. Given the chance to accept a 10-second run-off before Buffalo's final drive (which started from their own THREE-YARD LINE), McDermott declined. Instead, he thought his offense, which sucked all fucking day, was going to somehow gain about 70 yards in 41 seconds for a FG attempt. Mind-boggling. All head coaches should be forced to play Madden all off-season for clock-management training.

Cowboys 20, Steelers 17 - The Steelers should not be 3-2, but they are because they have an uncanny ability to beat the living piss out of their opponents and make extraordinary plays that no other teams can reliably count on. They're in every game because their defense is top-tier and then . . . they just find a way. Sometimes T.J. Watt will turn a strip sack into six when the Steelers' backs are up against the wall. Or George Pickens or Pat Freiermuth, after being shut down all game, will magically find themselves wide open for a game-breaking catch. They're good at blocking field goals! This is the brilliance of Mike Tomlin's coaching career. He gets the most out of his team and lets his opponents beat themselves.

So it was a shock to see the Cowboys, a combustible team coached by a big, bloated, man composed of farts and pickled eggs, avoid choking away this game away. The Steelers almost Steeler'd their way to a victory too, punching the ball out on a goalline dive. But Dak Prescott recovered the fumble and three plays later threw a dart to Robert Turbin on fourth down to save the Cowboys from their latest primetime humiliation.

This was an impressive throw and catch, and the Cowboys' offensive line provided pretty stellar protection, allowing the play to develop. With the loss, Justin Fields' record when his defense gives up more than 20 points dropped to 2-28. I think last night was the first time that doubt about Fields started to creep into the minds of Steeler fans. He wasn't terrible, but he ran himself into sacks, missed open throws, and struggled to move the ball against a Dallas defense missing Micah Parsons, Dexter Lawrence, and pretty much their entire starting defensive line.

Are we one loss away from letting Russ cook?

TONIGHT: Saints at Chiefs

Somehow the Chiefs are only 5.5-point favorites at home against a Saints team that turned back into a pumpkin after an impressive start to the season. Vegas must be worried about Mahomes ability to move the ball without his best wideout against a pretty good Saints defense. I still think the Chiefs cover.

Fuck, they're going to win the Super Bowl again, aren't they?

BYE WEEK: Lions, Chargers, Eagles, and Titans

Thank God the bye weeks have arrived. Not having to recap 2 extra games saved me like 90 minutes of rambling and making weird GIFs that nobody cares about.