Welcome back to the BIG TDs Football Blog!
This is your speed-run recap of each game from the previous week, where I use as few words as possible to summarize the events of each game.
Let's get to it!
Bears 35, Jaguars 16 - CHEERIO, LADS! I'm reporting to you from Tott'num Stadium in London, where the Caleb Williams smoked the Jags like a proppa FAG!
You see, Williams, threw for FOUR BLOODY TOUCHDOWNS on the day and lit up the Jaguars defense like one would a cigarette, which they call "fags" in England!
I'm not going to lie; this game was like sexual release for me. I don't care that they were playing against a shitty Jaguars team in disarray, I don't care that Caleb Williams threw an awful INT that should've been an easy TD and I don't care that Williams also doinked a pass off the facemask of his offensive lineman.
The Bears are doing what you'd expect from a competent football team - soundly beating inferior opponents. This is not something the Bears have done in recent memory. Even when the Bears have been good, they had to eke out wins against bad teams because they've always struggled to score points. But THIS Bears offense is clicking on all cylinders right now and it feels FUCKING AWESOME.
Theeeeeee (sorry, the keys on my keyboard were stuck together) number 1 overall pick continues to get better and make fools of those who called him a "bust" after a couple of bumpy weeks to start the season. In Caleb's last 4 games, he has completed 70% of his passes for 7.9 ypa, for 1,050 yards and 9 TDs to 3 INTs. He's also has added 110 rushing yards at 7.3 yards/run. He is taking fewer sacks and continues complete passes over the MIDDLE from THE POCKET:
A new era offensive competency has (hopefully) arrived in Chicago. For the first time since 2013, the Bears have scored thirty-five or more points in three straight games. For the first time since 2006, the Bears have won back-to-back games by 19+ points. For the first time since 1956(!) the Bears have scored 5+ offensive touchdowns in back-to-back games. For the first time in a long time, watching the Bears does not make me want to BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT! And it's all because of this very, very, very, heterosexual quarterback who has more touchdowns (9) through his first six games than Mitch Trubisky (7) or Justin Fields (7) had during their entire rookie campaigns.
With the win, Bears improved to 4-2 and head into their bye week with a road matchup against "rookie phenom" Jayden Daniels awaiting them on October 27th. I'm sure my takes coming out of that game will be measured and not at all overly emotional, hysterical or psychotic. Moving on . . .
CAUCASIAN OF THE WEEK: COLE KMET
I swear that this blog is not just my place to get my rocks off on the Chicago Bears. I do try and give time and thought to my analysis on each team and each game. I didn't want to give Caucasian of the Week to a Chicago Bear, but there was no other Caucasian who stood out more than Bears Tight End, Cole Kmet, who caught two touchdowns and served as the Bears long snapper after the starting snapper went down with an injury. He snapped each of the Bears five extra point attempts and the Bears made all of them!
Long snapping is not as simple as people at home might think. The snapper has to get the ball to the holder at the perfect height with the right number of down to the exact number of rotations to ensure he can spin the laces out for the kicker. Snapping is a very technical skill that 32 players in the league spend their entire careers perfecting. Cole Kmet is NOT a long snapper, but he is a very handsome man who successfully long snapped on Sunday. I'm not gay for saying that - he's objectively good looking. Dude has a chiseled jaw line. Great head of hair. Full beard. Very masculine. It's no wonder that Caleb Williams has thrown more TDs to him than any other player on the roster. Alphas attract Alphas. Simple as that.
What can you say other than this guy is a winner! The type of football player you'd want your daughter to bring home! Kmet has a LOT of heart and gets the most out of his abilities! This Lake Barrington, Illinois native also has a great white guy name "Cole" and he's our Caucasian of the Week!
Packers 34, Cardinals 13 - Folks,,,, it brings me to joy to report to you the Leninist of Lambeau remain in utter disarray. Alleged homosexual, Commissar Jordan Love, threw his FIFTH interception of the year - tying him for second most in the ENTIRE NFL despite playing two fewer games than most due to injury.
Heavens, did you see that pass? It wasn't even close to its intended target. A pathetic throw from a bad player and even worse human being. It remains BEWILDERING how General Secretary, Matt LaFleur, has not benched Love in favor of Malik Willis who is undefeated and has thrown ZERO interceptions on the year.
Making matters worse, the Proletariat Poop Packers allowed a touchdown from Kyler Murray, a quarterback that can be accurately described as a "midget" or "little person". How an NFL team allowed itself to be humiliated by a member of the dwarven community is as shocking as it is comically inept. Oh well.
The Packers won by 21 and improved to 4-2, Love threw for 258 yards and 4 TDs.
**shrug**
Ravens 30, Commanders 23 - This was the marquee matchup of the weekend - Lamar vs Jayden. "Rookie sensation" vs the reigning MVP. The Ravens won and their offense looked unstoppable, racking up nearly 500 yards! Lamar averaged 12.4 yards per attempt, throwing for 323 and a TD and Derrick Henry rolled for 132 with a 5.5 average and 2 TDs.
The Ravens have rolled off 4 straight wins since starting 0-2 and will be very difficult to beat if they play like this. The question for Baltimore in the Jackson era has been, can Lamar stay healthy and can they win in the playoffs. That will remain the question until he beats the Chiefs and makes a Super Bowl.
Supposed rookie sensation, Jayden Daniels, looked TERRIBLE against the Ravens. The number 2 (like poo) overall pick ONLY averaged 7.7 yards per passing attempt and 3.7 on his rushing attempts. His team lost and now MANY experts are asking if he might be the biggest bust since Ryan Leaf. I am not asking that, but many people are, and I think it's wrong. He's a rookie. Let him develop! Daniels finished the day 24/35 for 269 yards, 2 TDs and a 110.3 passer rating.
FUN STAT: Since becoming the Ravens' starter in 2018, Lamar Jackson has gone 22-1 against NFC teams.
Lions 47, Cowboys 9 - There is so much that I could write about this game, but I simply can't spend 3 hours breaking down all that went down. I'm going to be responsible and focus on only two things from this game.
First off.
Yes, this was a big time Mike McCarthy fart game. The Cowboys got the shit beaten out of them at home. Again. For the fourth straight game. Dating back to their blowout loss to the Lambeau Leninists in the playoffs last year, here are the scores of the Cowboys' last four home games:
Packers 48, Cowboys 32
Saints 44, Cowboys 19
Ravens 28, Cowboys 25
Lions 47, Cowboys 9
The latest of which came on Jerry Jones' 82nd birthday, which I . . . can't imagine felt too good. A lot of people believe Jones might fire McCarthy after this loss, but I doubt that will happen. Jerry isn't the same Jerry that fired Jimmy Johnson after winning a Super Bowl. Jerry has gone soft in his old age. He let Jason Garrett hang around after years of failing to get beyond the first round of the playoffs. He's let McCarthy stick around after years of doing the same. After Sunday's loss he made sure to let the media know that he's "not considering" firing Farty Mike.
That makes me happy because McCarthy coaching in Dallas is fun for me.
Second. This fucking sucked.
That was the left tibia of star defensive end, Aidan Hutchinson, being shattered into at least a few different places. As you'd imagine, his season is over, which stinks because at the time of his injury, he was leading the league in sacks with 7.5 in just 5 games played. Hutchinson was the frontrunner for defensive MVP this season and is by far Detroit's best player on defense. I'm not saying the Lions are hopeless without him, but this sure fucking hurts their chances to make the Super Bowl. You could argue that they'd be able to manage losing Goff easier than they could losing Hutchinson - that's how much he meant to the Lions defense.
Buccaneers 51, Saints 27 - Some of you may be wondering - how does this schmuck watch all the games each week? Well, I watch Red Zone in between wiping asses (my own and my toddler's) and fixing shit around the house. This weekend, I had Red Zone on and heard the host, Scott Hanson, say that "the story" on New Orleans rookie QB, Spencer Rattler, is that "he has swag and is looking to shake things up in the Saints offense". That's cringey, especially for a guy who looks like Spencer Rattler. I'm sure Spencer is a nice lad, but he looks like a henchman from a movie about a dystopian Marxist future where all races of people have been mixed and everyone is a strange shade of khaki.
Anyways, this was a wild game. The Bucs jumped out to a 17-0 lead but found themselves trailing 27-24 heading into the half. The Bucs then proceeded to score 27 unanswered points and blow the Saints right the fuck out. The Saints scored 27 in the second quarter and 0 points in all of the other quarters. Baker Mayfield threw THREE picks in this game, but added 4 TDs, including two to Chris Godwin who went off for 11 catches and 125 yards. Spencer Rattler's "swag" did not save him from throwing two INTs or the Saints from losing their fourth straight game.
Eagles 20, Browns 16 - I can't watch either of these teams without being sad right now. They're just fun sponges. The fun Eagles of two years ago are dead. They have zero rhythm on offense. In between the occasional big play is 10-15 plays of blehhhhhhhhh. Likewise, the Browns are among the most depressing teams in the league. Deshaun Watson is a human black cloud right now. He looks sad. He's playing like shit and has completely BROKEN this Browns team.
This sad vs sad matchup was unsurprisingly sad to watch. The Browns had a chance to tie the game at the end of the 4th quarter, but had a false start turn a 4th and goal from the Philly 8 into a field goal from the Philly 13. The Browns never got the ball back and lost. This game was so sad that Eagles coach, Nick Siriani, was taunting Eagles fans AFTER WINNING because they had (allegedly) chanted "Fire Siriani" during the game. Again, the Eagles WON this game.
Philly is now 3-2 (and should be 4-1), but anyone watching this team (including Eagles fans, apparently) knows that they don't look like a serious contender.
FUN STAT: Until finally converting one in the final minute of third quarter against the Eagles, the Browns had gone 0 for their previous 26 on third downs conversions with Deshaun Watson under center. That is very bad!
Colts 20, Titans 17 - Joe Flacco played his third straight game for the Colts and led his team to another victory. His numbers weren't gaudy (22/38 for 189 yards with 2 TDs and an INT) but with the game on the line Flacco evaded the rush and gave Michael Pittman, Jr. a chance to make a play. Pittman did, the Colts took the lead and never looked back.
The Colts should not put Flacco back on the bench, even if Anthony Richardson is healthy. The Titans, however, should put Will Levis on the bench, even if he is heathy. Levis was terrible again on Sunday, throwing for only 95 yards on 27 attempted passes (16 completions). That's hard to do and suggests that the Titans coaches don't trust him to throw the ball much beyond the line of scrimmage. It's hard to win that way and it's time to see what Mason Rudolph can do.
If there is a bright side for Tennessee, it's that the Titans are currently the best fun-bad team in the league, routinely providing viewers with A+ memeworthy images in each of their losses. This week's Titan-ic Fail came courtesy of high-priced cornerback L'Jarius Sneed, who the Titans traded two picks to the Chiefs to acquire in the offseason. Sneed helped the Colts get into to scoring range after committing a pass interference call on notable Caucasian receiver, Alan Pierce and then just kind laid dead on the field:
Chargers 23, Broncos 16 - The Chargers went up 23-0 on Denver before the Broncos made things interesting at the end of the game. The Chargers improved to a very quiet 3-2 on the season. Justin Herbert is not putting up eye-popping stats this year, completing 64% of his passes for 815 yards and 6 TDs - but he's not turning the ball over. Herbert has only 1 pick on the year and hasn't thrown one in his last 61 attempts. The Chargers are pounding the rock and trying to keep Herbert from getting beaten up like he has the majority of his career.
Meanwhile, Bo Nix sucks but then does things that make you think he does not suck. Example: Nix started this game 3/10 for 22 yards and an INT, but he finished 19/33 for 216, with 2 TDs and the one turnover. Nix ended up being responsible for nearly 90% of the Bronco's total offensive yards and ended up being Denver's leading rusher. Very bad first half and then pretty good! Perhaps Nix can be best described as "sucks but does not BLOW". Not a bad place for a rookie.
FUN STAT: Right before kickoff, Jim Harbaugh went into the blue medical tent and was checked out for a heart arrhythmia. He was OK and returned to coach the game. This was the second time Harbaugh has experienced this issue on the sideline and Coach Harbaugh is 2-0 in arrhythmia games. Impressive.
Texans 41, Patriots 21 - The Pats started third overall pick, Drake Maye, on Sunday and are now officially off of the "Sad Team" list. Maye wasn't great against a good Texans defense, but he did throw 3 TDs (along with 2 picks) on the day, even if two of those were in garbage time with his team down 20 points.
That's all there really is to say about this game, except for pointing out how awesome these Patriot throwbacks look. They should wear these full-time. They are dope as fuck and a good example of how essentially all modern uniforms are ugly by comparison, including, yes, the Pats uniforms in the Brady era.
FUN STAT: Drake Maye was drafted out of North Carolina, the same school as former Chicago Bears quarterback, Mitch Trubisky, who sucked donkey dick and ruined my Sundays for 4 consecutive years.
Falcons 38, Panthers 20 - The Panthers are an irrelevant team that exists solely to help provide victories to other NFL teams. I feel sorry for their fanbase. They deserve better and one day they will be good again. Maybe. Assuming David Tepper sells the team. They lost again to the Falcons and it wasn't close.
Moving on.
Steelers 32, Raiders 13 - The Steelers were not going to lose this game to the Raiders. The Steelers are well coached and have T.J. Watt who regularly makes plays like this to save his team and win them football games:
T.J. Watt did this again on the goal line to prevent a TD later in the game. T.J. is somehow better than J.J. and might be the best player in the NFL right now.
The Raiders, on the other hand, are poorly coached. They started Aidan O'Connell who would be a league average XFL quarterback over less bad Gardner Minshew. They do have all-pro DE (and notable Trump supporter), Maxx Crosby, but the dysfunction of the franchise appears to have broken him.
It remains astonishing to me that this Raiders team has two wins this year and should baffle all of you that one of them came against the Ravens. They are terrible and rudderless and should trade Maxx Crosby who after the game called his shove of linebackers coach, Mike Caldwell, a "love push" and said that "We’re grown men. We’re alpha males. We don’t greet each other the same. … The camera, it made it look bad. It looked like I was throwing him out the club, but that was not what happened at all."
Free the Alpha Males. Free Maxx Crosby.
Bengals 17, Giants 7 - The Bengals badddddly needed this victory and they got from the feet of Joe Burrow. Wait a second . . . I meant "from the arm of Joe Burrow", right? Why am I talking to myself? This is a blog . . .
Well, would you look at that, Burrow took the rock 47 to the house, the longest QB TD run in Bengals history. The Bengals passing offense, which had been on fire, did basically nothing the whole game while the Bengals defense, which had been absolute dog shit, shut down the Giants and won them the game. Very weird shit.
One note on the Giants D - they're good. They sack QBs. In fact, they lead the league with 22 sacks on the season. They not only sack QBs, they punish them.
I'm not sure how Burrow survived his head bouncing off the turf like that, but he did, and he sealed the win with a dart on third and 12, forcing the Giants to use their remaining timeouts. The Bengals are now 2-4 and still have a pulse.
49ers 36, Seahawks 24 - Go read last week's Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends, where I broke this game down in a fair amount of detail, including the power of the support of SSOs and their impact on the outcome of football games.
TONIGHT: Bills at Jets
Somehow the Bills are a 1-point favorite on the road after putting up a couple of stinkers and losing Von Miller to a suspension. I think the Jets win outright. Teams that fire their coach always get a dead cat bounce and the Bills aren't good enough to overcome that.
My Pick: Jets 24, Bills 20
My 2024 MNF Record: Straight Up (1-0), Against the Spread (1-0)
BYE WEEK: Vikings, Chiefs, Dolphins, and Rams
Thank God the bye weeks have arrived. Not having to recap 2 extra games saved me like 90 minutes of rambling and making weird GIFs that nobody cares about.