NFL Week 7: Reviewed

Welcome back to the BIG TDs Football Blog!

This is your speed-run recap of each game from the previous week, where I provide my uniquely Flappr commentary on each game from the past week!

Let's get to it!

The Bears: are on a bye week and I'm very worried about Caleb Williams maintaining his focus. It's well known by now that Williams is a notorious pussy hound with a thirst for poonani that can only bearly (a fun pun) be satiated by a near-constant intercourse with his girlfriend, who is a real person.

So, naturally, my mind wanders to how Caleb is spent his week away from the team. Did he get his hands dirty and deepthroat more of his playbook in effort to choking when spitting out plays in the huddle? Did he reach around to teammates for a little extra "pitch and catch" to develop chemistry with them? Did he lock himself in a room and watch film of men on men in the trenches to better understand the finer points of penetration in the run and pass game?

Or, did he spend an entire week being a renowned box smasher, shredding snatch the way he's shredding defenses in his past three games? For the Bears sake (and mine), I hope he was able to keep his eye on the prize last week. I hope Caleb was elbow deep in depths of Halas Hall studying, practicing, sweating, and then taking a steam with the fellas. That's a lot to ask of a such a prolific pounder of puss, but it's what he must do if he wants to be great.

Packers 24, Texans 22 - Folks, , , , it brings me to joy to report to you the Leninists of Lambeau remain in utter disarray. Alleged homosexual, Commissar Jordan Love, threw TWO interceptions in this game! Not one, but TWO, giving him EIGHT total for the season and tying him for the MOST IN THE NFL!

Dear heavens, what a terrible throw! Jordan Love misjudged his target on that throw than Stalin did Hitler in the leadup to Operation Barbarossa! What a terrible quarterback! He should be benched!

Perhaps feeling distraught over the folly of their erstwhile (alleged) homosexual signal caller, Proletariat Packer Fans committed a hate crime reminiscent of Lenin unleashing The Red Terror to repress dissidents in the wake of his October Revolution. This cowardly act of terror occurred after Texans running back charged through the BabyBel Army's front lines for a touchdown and attempted to conduct a "Lambeau Leap" to celebrate his accomplishment. Instead of being met as a liberator, Mixon was brutalized by local Oprichniki who refused him entry.

This is literally the most racist thing I've ever seen, and every fan of this horrific communist collective should be arrested as collaborators. You disgust me.

The Packers improved to 5-2 with the win and Jordan Love threw 3 TDs. Love now has 15 passing TDs on the season, which is tied for the most in the NFL.

**shrug**

Fun Stat: Josh Jacobs caught a touchdown pass in this game, the first receiving TD of his 7-year career (80 games).

Jaguars 32, Patriots 16 - This was another really shitty London game between two really shitty teams. Outside of a Patriots TD drive to open the game, this one was never competitive. The Jags led this game by 12 at the half and New England never put up much of a threat thereafter. The only notable truly notable thing from this game is that Drake Maye played well and has played well in both starts to begin his career.

Maye went 26 for 37, throwing for 276 yards and 2 TDs with 0 INTs despite his team getting blown out by two scores. And sure, the win was impressive by Jaguars' standards, but does anyone think their season ends in any fashion other than Doug Pederson being fired? At this point, it's only a matter of when, as the 2-5 Jags enter the hardest portion of their schedule with their next 5 games coming against GB, PHI, MIN, DET, and HOU.

If Pederson still has a job after that stretch, I will be shocked.

Lions 31, Vikings 29 - This was the game of the weekend. I thought this was going to be the game where the Lions exposed the Vikings as frauds, but that didn't happen. The Vikings fought tooth and nail and lost on a last second FG from Jake Bates, a dude who was selling bricks in Houston a few months back:

This field goal was the culmination of a magnificent drive from Jared Goff, who led Detroit 44 yards in a two-minute drill to set up the game winner. Goff, who is playing MVP caliber football for the Lions, continued his streak of insane efficiency, completing 22 of 25 passes for 2 TDs, 280 yards and a 140.0 passer rating.

Yet, it was almost not enough because the Vikings are fucking good. Despite trailing by 11 with only minutes left in the third quarter, Minnesota kept pounding the rock and chipping away at the Lions until they forced a David Montgomery fumble and returned it 36-yards to give themselves a 4th quarter lead. Likewise, Darnold did not wilt under the pressure of a big game, he ran the offense well and took advantage of his playmakers, namely Justin Jefferson, who 7 of his 8 targets for 81 yards and a touchdown.

No, the Lions are legit, even without Hutchinson (sacked Darnold 4 times) and the Vikings are legit and their 5-0 start was not fugazi. This fucking sucks (for me) because the Bears still haven't played a single divisional game yet and somehow the NFC North is the best division in football right now. Timing is everything.

Commanders 40, Panthers 7 - As a Bears' fan, I am devastated to report that supposed rookie sensation, Jayden Daniels, was injured in the first quarter of Sunday's game against Carolina, leading MANY experts to ask if he's an injury prone BUST like Robert Griffin III. Mind you, as a Bears' fan, I am saying this and not rooting for the second overall pick to be a bust, but injury risk is common among running quarterbacks, so there is some reason for concern.

Let me be clear, I don't want Daniels to miss next week's showdown against FIRST overall pick, Caleb Williams. Currently, Daniels' status against the Bears remains uncertain, which is a shame because I was greatly looking forward to the insanely hot takes that would come out of that contest! Those takes would not make me want to blow my brains out! Not at ALL! The Commies should be cautious and sit Daniels, even if he's healthy enough to play! I say this for his own good!

What's worse for Daniels is that his backup, the much-maligned Marcus Mariota, came in and matched Daniels' performance throughout the season, completing 18 of 23 passes for 205 yards, 2 TDs and a sparkling 132.8 passer rating. Mariota's ascendant play has led many experts to conclude that Daniels is nothing more than a system quarterback, who has thus far benefitted from the superior play calling of Kliff Kingsbury and the talented playmakers around him. I have not concluded that, but based on available evidence, many people are! That's terrible.

There is nothing worth saying about the Panthers, they're hopeless and might not win a game the rest of the season. It was kind of funny to see that Bryce Young got some garbage time action and went 2/2 for -4 yards. Poor kid.

Colts 16, Dolphins 10 - The Colts benched Cool Joe Flacco in favor of Anthony Richardson and, predictably, Indy's offense struggled. After averaging 238 passing yards and 27 points per game under Flacco, Richardson threw for only 129 yards, completing only 41% of his passes and the Colts barely scratched together 16 points against the Dolphins.

The only reason the Colts won this game was because Miami, already without Tua Tagovailoa, lost its second-string quarterback and resorted to playing Tim Boyle for an entire half of NFL football. Look, Richardson is not good enough right now and should not be playing in-lieu of Flacco. The Colts have a good enough roster to make the playoffs, but that's not going to happen if their QB can't complete more than the occasional crazy deep ball.

My advice to the Colts? Put Flacco back in, while you can, before you lose a game you can't afford to lose and wouldn't have lost if they hadn't benched Flacco.

Bengals 21, Browns 14 - Deshaun Watson (likely) tore his Achilles tendon and will miss the rest of the season. AND THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS FOR THE BROWNS!

This game was in Cleveland and when Watson was being carted off the field, Browns' fans cheered "you deserve this" loud enough that it could be heard on the TV broadcast. While I respect the frustration and have no love for Watson, I have to admit, I think that's a bit too far. The truth of the matter here is that Browns' fans don't really care about Watson's sexual assault allegations, they just care that he sucks and has sucked since their team orchestrated the worst trade in the history sports to bring him to Cleveland. If Watson had been playing well and the Browns were winning, the same fans would be as devastated as Lions' fans were for Aidan Hutchinson. That's a fact and if you think otherwise, you're a fucking liar.

But Watson sucks and the fans' celebrating his injury are being defended because libtard sports journos pretend to care about sexual assault allegations. It's lame and a fanbase that openly cheers for its own player's injury is gay, no matter how poorly he's played. If I was a Browns' player, I'd be pretty disgusted.

The Bengals improved to 3-4 with the win and might not be quite as dead as we once believed. Somehow the Bengals are 3-1 on the road and 0-2 in Cincy. A win at home against Philly next week will get me back on the Bengals bandwagon.

Eagles 28, Giants 3 - Saquon Barkley returned to New York and shoved his "Giant Member" down their throats, racking up 187 all-purpose yards and a TD.

Giants' fans booed Barkley, but the team let him walk during Free Agency, never even making him an offer. In fact, the Giants were on the off-season version of Hard Knocks and we got a chance to see owner John Mara tell GM Joe Shoen that he'd "have a tough time sleeping if Saquon goes to Philadelphia…" and then watch Shoen react to the offer Barkley got from Philly, saying "OK, we're not going to go there. We're out." So, yeah, the Giants thought that allocating $12.5 million per year to a running back was a poor use of their cap space. They thought they could replicate Saquon's production with a cheaper option, and they were wrong.

Whoops.

Seahawks 34, Falcons 14 - A week after setting leading his team to a thrilling comeback and setting the franchise single game passing yards record against the Bucs, Kirk Cousins was picked off twice, fumbled once and the Falcons' three game winning streak came to an end against Seattle.

The Falcons and Seahawks seem like teams that are in similar positions. Both have fairly talented rosters, led by good, not great, quarterbacks but have some defect

and neither appears good enough to threaten for more than a playoff berth and early playoff exit. The defect for both teams seems to be their defenses.

The Seahawks' defensive weakness is against the run, where they rank in the bottom quartile of the league, giving up 144 yards a game. This game was no different as Bijan Robinson was Atlanta's most potent offensive weapon, racking up 103 yards on 21 carries (a 4.9-yard average) and a TD.

Conversely, the Falcons' have basically zero pass rush. Through seven games this year, Atlanta has only SIX sacks, the fewest in the league. They knew their pass rush was going to be a problem going into the season, which is why they acquired Matthew Judon from the Patriots during training camp. But Judon has only 1.5 sacks on the year, so . . . yeah, problem not solved. The Falcons are not going to win against good quarterbacks if they can't pressure them. Simple as.

Bills 34, Titans 10 - A pretty good team played well at home and shit pumped a really bad team. No surprises here, though, it wasn't quite such a shit pumping until the second half, where Josh Allen overcame a slow start to toss for 258 yards and 2 TDs, including this one to newly acquired WR, Amari Cooper:

Fun Stat: Josh Allen, who had the most turnovers in the NFL over the past 4 seasons (75), has ZERO turnovers this year! That's pretty wild.

Rams 20, Raiders 15 - This was the "Meh Bowl" of the week. Aidan O'Connell hurt his finger. Gardner Minshew was bad. The Rams won. Meh.

CAUCASIAN OF THE WEEK: BROCK BOWERS

This game may have sucked donkey dong, but the Raiders' gritty rookie tight end out of Georgia sure has not. Brock Allen Bowers has been nothing short of impressive through 7 games of his freshman campaign. The gritty pass catcher with deceptive speed and a high football IQ leads the league in receptions (47) and leads all tight ends with 477 receiving yards. On Sunday, Bowers nabbed 9 balls for 93 yards and set the record for most catches by a tight end through his first seven career games. Very gritty. Very scrappy. Very High IQ Football.

During this year's NFL draft coverage, I remember seeing Nick Saban mention that there were two players in this draft that his Alabama team played against and could not guard: Malik Nabers and Brock Bowers. That's high praise and Bowers' unique skillet from the tight end position has made him a nightmare to cover. It's a shame that he ended up in Las Vegas, where the best years of his career are almost certainly going to be wasted by the organization!

Most importantly, Bowers has a great white guy name. "Brock Bowers" sounds like the cheesy stage name of a male porn star and the 13th overall pick has grown a mustache to match that vibe. We salute Brock and his male receding hairline (at 21 years old!) for his tireless work ethic, dedication to his craft, the "heady" way he plays the game and seemingly endless array of intangibles! Brock Bowers is the kind of NFL player you'd let you daughter date and he's our Caucasian of the Week!

Steelers 37, Jets 15 - Russell Wilson returned to the starting lineup and while many will claim that he played well enough to validate Mike Tomlin's decision to bench Justin Fields . . . I'm not sure the game film provides enough proof. Don't get me wrong, Wilson played OK, but I'm not sure he played as good as his 16/29 for 264, 2 TDs and 109.0 passer rating might indicate. There was a lot of this:

The Jets led this game 15-6 right before halftime until the Jets started Jetsing themselves. Rodgers threw his first of two picks to Steelers undrafted rookie DB, Beanie Bishop. Wilson converted that turnover into points and did the same at the start of the second when Rodgers threw a perfect pass, only to see it bounce off Garret Wilson's chest and into the waiting hands of Bishop.

This game might look very different in the Jets didn't hand it to the Steelers. If the Steelers were trailing into the 4th quarter, forcing the Steelers to abandon the run and Russ to throw more . . . I'm not sure that works out so well for them. Yet, that didn't happen, and for one night the Steelers got a glimpse of what their offense COULD look like if they had a passer who defenses had to respect. So, they could run the ball, and they did, effectively, so Steelers fans are very happy. For now.

The Jets, on the other hand, look fucked. Firing Robert Saleh hasn't helped. Their defense has gotten worse, and their offense still looked stunted, despite acquiring Devante Adams in a Hail Mary "let's try and save our troubled marriage by having a baby together" type desperation move. They needed this win to avoid falling to 2-5 and burying hopes they had for ending a 12-year playoff drought.

Instead, the Jets lost, badly, and there doesn't seem to be any answers in sight.

Chiefs 28, 49ers 18 - This Super Bowl re-match in San Francisco went the way that the first and second Super Bowl matches went . . . the Chiefs won. Making matters worse (for me), Flappr Endorsed All-American Boy, Brock Purdy, had his worst game as a professional, tossing three INTs and, buddy, they weren't pretty:

The most maddening thing about this game (and the Chiefs 6-0 record thus far) is that Mahomes didn't even play well! Mahomes went 16 for 27, for 154 yards and 2 INTs! He's currently tied for the league lead in INTs (8) with that cunt Jordan Love. He currently has a 6:8 TD to INT ratio! The Chiefs are still undefeated! That's the dirty little secret in the NFL right now, Kansas City is winning and Mahomes hasn't even rounded into shape. FUCCCCK!

This game was no different, Mahomes tried to give the Niners this game, but every time he gave them a chance to turn his mistakes into points . . . Purdy made an even bigger mistake that KC turned into points. There just isn't any excuse that can be made for that - serious teams capitalize on and win games when their opponents make mistakes. Mediocre ones cannot.

The Niners are mediocre right now. The Chiefs are not.

Broncos 33, Saints 10 - Go read last week's Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends, where I broke this game down in a fair amount of detail, including how Spencer Rattler looks like a Henchman from dystopian Marxist future where everyone is an odd shade of Khaki due to state mandated race-mixing.

TONIGHT: Ravens at Buccaneers AND Chargers at Cardinals

Baltimore enters tonight's road matchup against the Bucs on a 4-game win streak and as -4.5-point road favorites. I think Tampa covers, but ultimately lose by 3.

My Pick: Ravens 27, Buccaneers 24

The Chargers are -2.5-point road favorites against the Cardinals and while I'm a bit hesitant to anoint LA as a "good team", I do think a Harbaugh coached squad is good enough to handle an inconsistent team like Arizona. I'll take the Chargers to cover.

My Pick: Chargers 21, Cardinals 17

My 2024 MNF Record: Straight Up (2-2), Against the Spread (1-3)

POST MNF UPDATE: GOOD THING I DON'T GAMBLE!

ON BYE WEEK: Bears and Cowboys