NFL Week 8: Reviewed

Welcome back to the BIG TDs Football Blog!

I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT! I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT! I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT! I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT! I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT! I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT! I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT! I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT! I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT!

Commanders 18, Bears 15

Why? WHY? WHY!?!?! Why didn't they just knock the fucking ball down?! THAT WAS FUCKING THE WORST FUCKING WAY TO LOSE THAT STUPID FUCKING GAME AND I WANT TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT!

This is what you sick fucks came here for, right? You wanted to see me write I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT 50 times, right? Well, there you go.

**sigh**

You know, I'm not ready to talk about this game. When the Bears do this to me, it ruins my whole week. I can't even listen to any sports content this week because the Bears lost in such humiliating fashion that every show on every network is going to rehash this soul-crushing loss over and over again. All week long. I do not need any reminders of what happened last night. I saw what happened and had to be talked into removing the twine rope around my neck from my wife. So SORRRY that I'm going to make you a widow and orphan our children, but the BEARS lost!

So, this week, I must avoid sports media at all costs, lest I give in to my dark temptation to bathe with a toaster or bake my head inside of an oven.

And the thing is, the Bears didn't deserve to win this game. They played like shit on offense coming out of the bye week. They had two weeks to prepare for this game and they ended up looking as bad as they did to start the season.

In some respects, that's more upsetting than losing this game like total retards. The offensive line could not pass block. When they did, Caleb Williams didn't look good. He missed on a lot of throws. Bad misses. Williams finished the game strong, looking VERY heterosexual, but that was only after struggled for the better part of three quarters.

Yes, he led his team down for a go-ahead touchdown with 30 seconds left on the clock, but the number 1 overall pick played poorly on the whole, finishing the game 10 for 24, 131 yards, and a 59.5 passer rating.

Those are Anthony Richardson numbers.

The only reason the Bears were in a position to win this game is because our defense, until LITERALLY the final play of the game, played like fucking animals. The Bears D limited alleged nipple ring wearer, Jayden Daniels, to field goals instead of touchdowns. They deserved better than a stupid, gay, fluke, loss.

The Bears should be 5-2 but are instead 4-3 and it happened in the WORST way possible. Welcome to my life, you filthy fuckers.

Now let's move on so I can finish this blog and BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT!

Packers 30, Jaguars 27

To make matters worse, the cunty communists who play at Lambeau Field won again. I fucking hate the Packers, I fucking hate stupid, sexy, Matt LaFleur and I fucking hate Jordan Love, who threw his league-leading NINTH interception of the year before injuring his groin and crying about it on the sidelines.

Rumors are swirling in NFL circles that Love hurt his groin off the field, while "bottoming" for five men at a bar for homosexuals in Madison, Wisconsin. I can neither confirm nor deny such reports, but the hit that "injured" him did look soft.

Losing Love did not bother the Packers, who proceeded to score 17 points in his absence on the arm of Malik Willis, who threw for a touchdown, and the legs of Josh Jacobs who butt-fucked the Jaguars the entire second half, racking up 127 yards on 25 carries and 2 touchdowns.

Yet, even when the Packers lose their starting quarterback, they still find ways to win games. They took Malik Willis, who looked like he should be playing in Canada and turned him into the best backup in the league. They can do these things because they're a winning franchise with good coaches and an infrastructure designed for QB development. And because they're communists who worship Satan, who uses his powers to ensure they always have a Hall of Fame QB, but who is only allowed to win one Super Bowl before being traded to the Jets.

Fuck the Packers.

Eagles 37, Bengals 17

The Bengals, who had won 3 of 4 and were looking to claw their way back to .500, got their asses kicked at home (again). The Bengals are now 3-5 on the season (0-4 at home) and their path to a playoff berth looks perilous.

Conversely, this was the best the Eagles have looked in about an entire calendar year. They dominated on both sides of the ball, outgaining the Bengals by over 100 yards. The Eagles also won the turnover battle and time of possession.

The Eagles improved performance might be because the team is getting healthy and playing the brand of football that had them within a few plays of a Super Bowl two years ago. They played from ahead, which allowed them to run the ball and Jalen Hurts to capitalize on play action to make big plays down the field.

With the win, the Eagles improved to 5-2, but still have five divisional games left on their schedule. Who knows if this version of the Eagles will show up against the Cowboys and Commanders, but if they do, they will be very difficult to beat.

Browns 29, Ravens 24

Who had the 1-6 Browns beating a Ravens team that had just ripped off 5 straight wins and had the top-rated offense and defense coming into the game?

No, I did not predict the biggest upset of the NFL season thus far, but I did beg Browns' head coach, Kevin Stefanski, to replace Deshaun Watson with Jameis Winston weeks ago. Why? Because it was clear that Watson was broken, and gun-shy, and the team had no confidence in him behind center. Winston, on the other hand, is the antithesis of gun-shy, he's a machine gun of ADHD football energy who gives zero fucks and fires the ball all over the field (often into the hands of his opponents, but slightly more often into the hands of his teammates).

The Browns needed some retard juice to kickstart a team that looked defeated and James Winston is the Johnny Walker Blue Label of retard juice.

Winston went off in his first start for the Browns, throwing for 334 yards and 3 TDs. Guess how many 300-yard passing games Watson has thrown in his 19 starts for Cleveland? Yeah. Zero. The Browns scored 29 points against the top defense in football. Guess how many times they had scored 20 before Sunday. Yeah. Zero.

Just listen to Jameis' post-game interview. He's quotes Eminem lyrics because he's a fun-loving retard (good kind). Winston might throw for five picks in his next start, but he's passionate and wants to win. Teammates can sense that and feed off his energy. Teammates can sense that and live with his mistakes.

Winston was always the answer for this Browns team and I'm glad he finally got his chance to show them what he can do and further highlight how awful of a decision it was to trade for Watson (worst in NFL history). Too bad that opportunity came too late in the year to salvage their season. Too bad too many teams cannot comprehend the concept of sunk cost.

Lions 52, Titans 14

There isn't much to say about this one. The Lions humiliated the Titans, who might be the worst team in the NFL this season. This game was tied 14-14 in the second quarter, before Detroit returned a kick 72-yards to set up the first of Jared Goff's three TDs on the day. Mason Rudolph then threw an INT on his next pass and the Lions scored 38 unanswered points.

You rarely see shit-kickings of this magnitude in the NFL. If the Lions had so desired, they could've scored 80. The Titans are terrible and only seem to be getting worse under first-year coach, Brian Callahan.

Cardinals 28, Dolphins 27

Tua came back and played well (28/38 for 234 yards and 1 TD), but his returned was ruined by a pesky Cardinals that refused to quit and erased a 10-point deficit and won on a walk-off field goal.

The national media had written off Kyler Murray as a failed franchise quarterback, but that fucking midget is quietly playing at a pro-bowl level this season - his first full campaign since tearing his ACL in 2022. Through eight games, the former Heisman Trophy winner has completed 67% of his passes, throwing for 11 TDs, and 3 INTs, adding 2 more TDs with his legs on 8.4 yards per carry.

Murray has looked dangerous while leading this surprising Cardinals team to a 4-4 record, which places them atop the shockingly mediocre NFC West. I have doubts that Arizona can win this division, but Cardinals head coach, Jonathan Gannon, deserves a ton of credit for how much he's gotten out of his roster. The Cardinals' defense is not particularly loaded with talent, but they play with reckless abandon and punish ball-carriers. That style of play only manifests when a coach instills that type of culture in the locker room.

The Bears travel to Phoenix to play the Cardinals next Sunday and I cannot wait to see how Gannon and Murray ruin next week for me.

Patriots 25, Jets 22

The Aaron Rodgers humiliation ritual continues.

Rodgers grew a conscience and dared to speak out against the atrocities committed by the communist cunts in Green Bay, so they banished him to New York and sentenced him to hard labor. The latest painful display came against a Patriots team that had lost six straight games, lost their impressive rookie QB to injury, and was recently called "soft" by their own head coach.

What's puzzling is that Rodgers, while perhaps not quite the dude he was during his peak, doesn't look bad. But they just can't get their shit together and keep it together for a full game. Despite firing the coach he didn't like and trading for the receiver he pined for . . . the Jets are 2-6, sitting in last place, and without much hope of ending a 13-year playoff drought.

This is about as embarrassing as things could get for Rodgers. This Bart Starr Struggle Session is as brutal as I've ever seen.

Falcons 31, Buccaneers 26

This was a de facto NFC South Playoff game as the winner of this matchup would take the division and hold the tiebreaker moving forward. The Falcons won, Kirk Cousins threw 4 TDs, but the Bucs handed this win to Atlanta by turning the ball over three times, including two pretty bad INTs from Baker Mayfield.

That's what happened in the game and while I'm sure you're dying to hear more about my analysis of the NFC South, I want to instead talk about these sexy ass creamsicle throwbacks.

Damn, those look good. They pop on television.

They're probably not something Tampa should wear full-time, but they're unique and vibrant and stand out in a league where most teams rotate between different shades of blue, red, and black. These were the Buccaneers uniforms that I grew up watching in the 90s, back when they played in the NFC Central against the Bears and sucked donkey dick. That's probably why the Bucs ditched the creamsicles in 1997, because they were too inextricably connected to the losing this franchise endured through its first 21 seasons (only 3 playoff appearances). They needed a new look to match the defensive juggernaut they had built and that would go on to win a Super Bowl in 2002 with Jon Gruden at the helm.

But still, doesn't football look more aesthetically pleasing when teams wear uniforms with character? I think so.

Texans 23, Colts 20

At this point, I think Colts head coach, Shane Steichen, is purposely sabotaging his team. There is no other way to explain why he continues to play Anthony Richardson while Joe Flacco stands next to him on the sidelines.

Yes, Richardson is still young, and you don't want to give up on him. And yes, Richardson makes some eye-popping throws each game, but in between those, he's one of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL.

Yesterday, against the division-leading Texans in a must-win game, Richardson completed 10 of 32 passes for 175 yards with a 1 TD and 1 INT . . . and the Colts STILL ALMOST WON. They probably WOULD HAVE won if Flacco had been in the game! Richardson has completed a league-worst 44.4% of his passes this year, by far the worst in the NFL. Richardson isn't just bad, he's JaMarcus Russell-level bad, who never had a completion percentage lower than 48.9%! He would benefit from some time watching and developing without the pressure of expectations.

Guess what happens when you don't complete a pass? You gain zero yards! You cannot consistently win football games when nearly 60% of your passing attempts result in zero yards! And the Colts aren't a bad football team, they're a pretty above average team that might have an extra win (or two) if Flacco, who has completed 65% of his passes, was under center.

Instead, Indy sits at 4-4, two games back of Houston, who now owns the tiebreaker over them and seems likely to repeat as AFC South Division Champs.

So fucking stupid.

Chargers 26, Saints 8

Spencer Rattler is awful, the Saints are a hopeless mess, and the Chargers don't appear to be serious contenders this year, so I'm using my 1-game-per-week "Sad Bowl Exemption" to absolve myself from having to write much about this game.

Here's the one thing worth noting - at one point during this contest, the score was 9-5, which I don't think I've ever seen before.

9-5 is a very weird score to see at any point of an NFL game. I'm sure it's happened before, but still . . . doesn't that look strange to you?

Bills 31, Seahawks 10

I thought that Seattle was going to give more trouble to a Bills team who traveled cross country to play them. This was a "prove-it" game for the Seahawks, who fell to 4-4 and only have wins over teams with losing records*. They failed miserably as Buffalo throttled them early and Seattle never threatened to make this a game.

Josh Allen continued his MVP-caliber campaign, throwing for 283 yards and 2 TDs in the victory. Allen did throw a pick on Sunday, which is only notable since it was his first of the year. To see Allen thriving after Buffalo traded Steffon Diggs and let Gabe Davis leave in free agency is impressive. He has taken control of the offense and appears to be learning to play within himself more than in previous seasons.

FUN FACT: Josh Allen now has the same number of total touchdowns as Buffalo's legendary, four-time Super Bowl-losing, quarterback Jim Kelly's career passing touchdowns (237) in 58 fewer games played. Allen has 56 career rushing TDs to Kelly's seven.

*Editor's Note - @Natnl_Disgrace pointed out that the Seahawks defeated the Broncos, who have a winning record. So, Seattle has beaten ONE team with a winning record. I was wrong. Womp. Womp.

Broncos 28, Panthers 14

Denver has a massive Bo-ner after its rookie QB finally put up an impressive game through the air, tossing 3 TDs and racking up 284 yards while completing 28 of 37 passes. This performance came against the Panthers, who suck and make essentially every quarterback look good, but still - this was good to see from Nix who had some comically inept stat lines earlier this year.

Oooo, that was pretty!

Good for Bo Nix and the Broncos who improved to 5-3 on the season and will likely fall back to .500 after facing the Ravens and Chiefs the next two weeks.

This game also featured the return of Bryce Young to the starting lineup after Andy Dalton hurt his wrist in a car accident. One has to wonder if Dalton purposely crashed his car to avoid having to play for the Panthers, but I digress - Young stepped up and was . . . pretty mediocre, which for him was an improvement!

The Panthers were never really in this game. Young finished this game throwing 24 for 37 for 224 yards with 2 TDs and 2 INTs, but most of those yards came in garbage time when the Panthers trailed by 21. So, baby steps, I guess, not really.

Chiefs 27, Raiders 20

Antonio Pierce was hired because he coached the Raiders to a victory over the Chiefs on Christmas Day last year in Kansas City. This was a dumb reason to hire a coach, and it was even dumber when Pierce proclaimed that he figured out how to beat the Chiefs. In February of this year, Pierce said "We've got the Jordan rules and what I'm calling from now on as long as I'm here, the Patrick Mahomes rules" which is basically the idea that the Raiders would bully Mahomes on the field.

The Raiders got their first chance to deploy the "Mahomes Rules" since Pierce made that comment. Mahomes beat them and had his best game of the year.

To the Raiders' credit, they did play KC tough and did hammer Mahomes a few times, but it's probably not a great idea to publicly challenge and provide additional motivation to the best player of his generation. And if you do, it's probably not a good idea to publicly admit that your plan to stop him is to "whoop his ass" the way the Pistons did to Michael Jordan in the 1980s and 90s. This is especially dumb when you play in a league that has structured its rules to penalize any plays that might injure quarterbacks.

But Antonio Pierce is dumb, and the Raiders are 2-6, so . . . yeah, makes sense.

49ers 30, Cowboys 24

I'm not going to lie, I did not watch this game last night.

By the time Sunday Night Football rolled around, the Bears had already lost on a Hail Mary and I wanted to BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT! So, by that point, I could not stomach any more football. In fact, I would've rather poured myself a Clorox cocktail to drink while sitting in my car, with the windows down, and the garage door closed.

If you can't connect the dots, I am trying to say I wanted to kill myself.

I did see the Flappr-endorsed All-American Boy, Brock Purdy, rebounded after a terrible outing last week and lead his team to a victory, tossing 260 yards and a touchdown, while adding another on the ground to go with 56 yards rushing.

More important than anything that happened on the field (not really), after the game Niners All-Pro Defensive End, Nick Bosa, crashed Purdy's SNF post-game interview wearing a MAGA hat, which he displayed prominently on camera.

I typically hate when athletes get political, but I am willing to abandon that principle because it favors the side I like better. I particularly enjoyed how the other players, Purdy and Kittle in particular, did not look upset by Bosa's act of political valor. Seems like there may be more than a few Trump guys on that roster.

Moreover, this based act of patriotism is leading many to wonder if the Niners have now replaced the Cowboys as "America's Team".

It might seem odd to suggest that a team from San Francisco, known for the most progressive city in the US, could be a bastion of American values . . . but the proof seems emblazoned on the hat of our Caucasian of the Week, Nick Bosa.

CAUCASIAN OF THE WEEK: NICHOLAS JOHN BOSA

Libtards lost their minds when they saw Bosa's Sunday night stunt. They called him a homophobe. They called him a racist. They called him dumb. They called him racist and dumb. They also who championed Colin Kaepernick's weekly protests of our national anthem, so fuck 'em.

Such an act of political incorrectness should not have come as a surprise to those familiar with Bosa, the great-grandson of Tony Accardo, a Chicago mob boss who started as Al Capone’s chauffeur before working his way up to head capo.

This 27-year-old, Fort Lauderdale native was, like his brother Joey, a star at THE Ohio State University, where he was named a First-team All-American and Big Ten Defensive Lineman of the Year in 2017. That season catapulted Bosa to being drafted second overall by the Niners in 2019. Since joining the league, this gritty pass rusher with a high motor and even higher football IQ has the 5th most sacks in football. He's also won a Defensive Player of the Year and been named a First-Team All-Pro (twice). Very gritty. Very scrappy. Very cerebral.

Most importantly, Bosa has a great white guy name. "Nick Bosa" sounds like the name of a guy who worked the door at college frat parties, tried to involve you in a get-rich pyramid scheme, and sold ecstasy on the side. We salute Nick and his unrelenting bravery displayed when he popped onto national television wearing a MAGA hat 10 days before an election. That and his tireless work ethic, dedication to his craft, the "heady" way he plays the game, and his seemingly endless array of intangibles! Nick Bosa is the kind of NFL player you'd let your daughter date and he's our Caucasian of the Week!

TONIGHT: Giants at Steelers

The Steelers are 6-point favorites at home against this dogshit Giants team and although that number feels a little high for a team that has struggled to score points, I think the G-Men are that bad and Pittsburgh will cover.

More important than who wins this game, is whether or not the Massively Milker'd MAGAite returns to Acrisure Stadium for an encore performance of last Sunday's Springy Silicone Showcase. Let's all cross our fingers and pray for more Pumped-Up Pompoms parading through Pittsburgh.

My Pick: Steelers 24, Giants 14

My 2024 MNF Record: Straight Up (2-2), Against the Spread (1-3)

ON BYE WEEK: Nobody.