NFL Week 9: Reviewed

Welcome back to the BIG TDs Football Blog!

Each week I recap each game with my own unique brand of commentary. I usually write way too much about each game, but between this blog and S M & U T, I wrote like 12000 words last week. I also think I have the flu or something, so you're going to get something far less than my best effort here.

Let's see how I do.

On Bye Week: Steelers and 49ers

Cardinals 29, Bears 9

The Bears fucking suck and I want to blow my fucking brains out. Happy?

The Bears offense sucked on Sunday, but they usually suck. The Bears defense also sucked, though, which is unusual. Before this game they hadn't given up more than 21 points. Sunday, they couldn't stop the run.

The Cards brutalized them all. day. long. Like on this 51-yard TD right before half.

That score put Arizona up 12 and ended the game because Caleb Williams also sucked. His accuracy has gone to shit. He's missing on throws in a way that isn't giving his targets a chance to catch the ball. He's also trying to make the most difficult throws and passing up on much easier ones. I'm not ready to declare that Williams is a homosexual, but he's played like one the last two weeks.

The Bears offense makes EVERYTHING look difficult and complicated. They don't do anything particularly well. They have no rhythm. They take dumb penalties. They can't score in the first quarter (only 10 points in 8 games), which means they end up having to play from behind and throw the ball . . . but they can't block.

On Sunday, they gave up 6 sacks to a Cardinals defense that had 11 total coming into the game. This OL fucking sucks and they're getting worse.

I actually stopped watching after this sack. I couldn't take it anymore. This team is so fucking annoying. They're going to find a way to lose to the patriots next week. I can feel that one in my bones. It will end the season for all intents and purposes, and I will blow my fucking brains out.

Fun Stat: The Chicago Bears are now 3-18 in road games under Matt Eberflus. During that stretch they are 0-18 on Sunday road games and have -181-point differential. NOT GOOD!

Lions 24, Packers 14

My only consolation this week is that the Leninists of Lambeau got their shit kicked in by the Lions and were exposed as frauds.

Head apparatchik (and alleged homosexual), Jordan Love through his league leading TENTH interception in this game. This time it was a back breaking pick-six (also league leading) at the end of the first half.

Good grief, what a terrible interception. That throw was so pathetic that one has to wonder if Love might be engaging in a homosexual affair with one (or several) of the Lions players?! How else could you explain how Love (literally) threw the game away on this play? How embarrassing? One has to wonder how long it will be before General Secretary LaFleur benches his treacherous quarterback in favor of Malik Willis - who is undefeated on the season and has thrown zero picks.

Perhaps Love possesses humiliating kompromat of LaFleur engaging in acts of bestiality and he's leveraging these photos as a way to maintain his job? This is, of course, only speculation but is also almost certainly true.

The Lions, meanwhile, are just very good. They don't turn the ball over. They don't give up sacks. They run the ball very well. They throw the ball with incredible efficiency. They pummel you into submission with the run and then throw the ball over your head to generate big plays.

They also seem to be having the most fun out of anyone in the NFL. Just look at this wild celebration from Amon-Ra St. Brown. Unreal.

The only question I have about the Lions long term is whether or not they can maintain a pass-rush without Aidan Hutchinson. So far it hasn't mattered.

Fun Stat: The Lions, now 7-1, are off to their best start to a season since 1956.

CAUCASIAN OF THE WEEK: BRETT FAVRE

Oh man, this one hurts me to type out. The 'Ol Gunslinger ruined my life for 16 years in Green Bay, but I can't help but respect that he had the balls to step up and endorse Donald Trump at a rally in Green Bay a week before the election.

Brett Lorenzo Favre was a three-time MVP for the Pack, where he won his lone Super Bowl using his deceptive speed, high football IQ and tireless work ethic to lead Green Bay to a win over the New England Patriots in 1996. Favre, who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in January, is the NFL all-time leader in interceptions thrown, with 336. He also holds the NFL record for the longest touchdown pass in league history (99 yards) and for the most consecutive starts: 297. He beat the Chicago Bears 11-straight times at Soldier Field and the more I keep writing about him, the angrier I get so . . . I'm just going to say that I hope he is doing well with his diagnosis.

I hate myself for this. Trump better win Wisconsin tomorrow.

Bengals 41, Raiders 24

The Bengals finally won a game at home! They had lost their previous 4! They blew the Raiders out! They should, they're the far better team!

Joe Burrow tossed 5 TDs in this game! He has 25 on the season through nine games - that's the most in the NFL! Unfortunately, the Bengals are only 4-5 on the season and the dirty little secret about their 4 wins is that they've all come against really bad teams. They have a chance to get back to .500 next week and breathe life into their playoff hopes . . . but that will require them to beat the Ravens.

That seems like a tall task.

Ravens 41, Broncos 10

The Broncos and Ravens both entered this game with identical 5-3 records. If you thought they were equally good teams, you were fooling yourself. The Ravens have had one (if not the) hardest schedules to start the season, while the Broncos have wins over the Bucs, Jets, Saints, Panthers and Raiders. Denver has gotten fat on bottom feeders, and it showed as the Ravens beat the living shit out of them.

Bo Nix did not look good. He threw a pick on the first play of the game.

Things never got much better. Nix finished the game 19/33 for 223, 0 TDs and a 65.6 passer rating.

Lamar Jackson, on the other hand, was fucking unreal. He only threw 19 passes but completed 16 of them for 280 yards and 3 TDs. Jackson posted a 158.3 passer rating, which is only .3 off of a perfect rating.

The Ravens outgained the Broncos by 78 yards, won the time of possession battle and averaged 7.3 yards per play (to the Broncos 4.7). The Ravens are contenders. The Broncos are pretenders. Simple as.

FUN STAT: Derrick Henry ran for 2 TDs on the day, including his 100th career rushing TD. Only 10 running backs in NFL History have reached that milestone.

Chargers 27, Browns 10

Last week I wrote about how the Browns needed Jameis Winston's special brand of retard juice to jumpstart their season. He brought the fun with 3 TDs in Cleveland's big upset victory over the Ravens! But as is the case with Jameis, each game is a new experience and this week . . . he threw three picks and basically lost his team the game.

When you start Jameis Winston, this is always a possibility. Jameis Winston will never win you a Super Bowl because he cannot stop turning the ball over. But he will make your team immeasurably more entertaining to watch and if you already suck, there is no better player in the league to start under center.

You might think I'm being mean here, but I love watching Jameis Winston play.

The Chargers earned their 5th win of the season by taking an early lead and methodically running the ball down Cleveland's throat. Justin Herbert was locked in again and threw for 250 yards in the first half and they spent the second half pounding the rock and controlling the clock with J.K. Dobbins. This is how the Chargers are going to win games under Jim Harbaugh.

Fun Stat: The Chargers have allowed only 10 touchdowns this season. That's tied for least allowed through eight games in franchise history.

Eagles 28, Jaguars 23

The Eagles are 6-2 but might be the worst team with a good record in football right now. They really haven't played any decent teams since Week 1 and they're most impressive win since was probably last week against a mediocre Bengals team. This week, they beat a 2-7 Jaguars squad by 5 points at home and it required a bad Trevor Lawrence interception in the end zone to seal the game.

Point being, I'm not sure how good the Eagles really are. They play in a bad division and have had a pretty easy out of conference schedule this year. We will see how they fare against the Commanders in two weeks.

The only other thing of note in this game was this Matrix-esque, backwards, hurdle from Saquon Barkley . . .

Holy shit. Unreal. That's the coolest thing I've ever seen done on a football field.

Fun Stat: Barkley eclipsed 1,000+ scrimmage yards for the season during the third quarter - he's just the first Eagles' player to reach that threshold in the first eight games of a season since LeSean McCoy in 2013.

RIGHT AROUND HERE I CAME DOWN WITH FLU-LIKE SYMPTOMS SO MY EFFORT LEVEL TANKED.

Panthers 23, Saints 22

The Saints lost their seventh- straight game, and this might have been the most embarrassing of them all - they lost to the Panthers with Bryce Young starting at quarterback.

In all honesty, Young played pretty well! His stat line is going to make any nipples harden or pants tighten (16/26, 171 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT), but his numbers look worse than he played in part due to this INT that was perfectly thrown but ripped out of the hands of Xavier Legette.

That's a bad beat. You can't throw a ball better than that one.

More importantly, Bryce Young led his team to a victory - something he's done only twice in 20 starts under center. Nobody has been shit on more than this in his young career and you can't help but feel happy for him today.

This was against the Saints, though. Who suck real bad. So bad that a bunch of ex-players were roasting them during the game. So bad they fired Dennis Allen on Monday morning (career 26-53 record as a head coach).

It might finally be time for New Orleans to hit the reset button and enter a few years of dead salary cap hell so they can start building again from the ground up.

Bills 30, Dolphins 27

Tyler Bass kicked a career-long 61-yard field goal with 5 seconds left to give the Bills their 7th win of the season and drive the final nail into whatever playoffs hopes Miami had left this season.

Good heavens, the Lord really has it out for the Dolphins' this year. Everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. Tua gets injured in week 2. They lose three out of four in his absence. Tua comes back with his team at 2-4 and plays well, but they lose both games on last second field goals. That's brutal. Worst case scenario for a team that felt like it was ready to contend for a Super Bowl.

Josh Allen threw three touchdowns in the second half of this game, giving him 20 total touchdowns on the season. He has been the best player in the NFL this year. The Bills are 7-2 and have a 4-game lead in the division. The only question that remains for them this year is whether they can beat the Chiefs in the playoffs.

My vote would be no.

Titans 20, Patriots 17 (OT)

Both of these teams suck and I wish I didn't have to write about this game, but Drake Maye made a really cool play to send the game to overtime.

In some ways, Maye's heroics were an act of cruelty. Nobody really wanted to see more of these two teams compete against one another. In overtime, the Titans ran the ball down New England's throat for 7 straight minutes before settling for a field goal. Then Maye threw a pick to end the game.

Both teams suck. But that one play was cool.

Commanders 27, Giants 22

The Commanders, like the Eagles, have a very good record (7-2, but should be 6-3 if not for the Bears being literally retarded), but I remain unconvinced that they're really much of a threat to do much in the playoffs.

This week they beat a shitty Giants team who gave them all they could handle. Sure, Jayden Daniels numbers looked good (15/22 for 209 yards and 2 TDs), but the Commies didn't control this game. They could've lost if not Daniel Jones being hilariously inept. Just look and Danny Dimes stat line at the end of the first-half:

So, yeah, the Commies look good, but let's see how they do against the Steelers and Eagles over the next two weeks before we decide to crown their asses.

Fun Stat: Washington is 7-2 for the first time since 1996.

Rams 26, Seahawks 20 (OT)

I did not watch this game and did not watch any highlights, but did hear that Geno Smith threw a really bad pick-six.

Wow, that is a really bad pick-six. Geno finished this game with 3 INTs on the day (to go along with 3 TDs and over 350 yards passing), but you can't turn the ball over so much and you absolutely CANNOT throw an endzone pick six.

Somehow, the Rams are now 4-4, tied for second place in the NFC West. The entire division is either 5-4 (the Cards), 4-4 (Rams, Niners) or 4-5 (Seahawks). A very competitive division. It's the opposite of the AFC East. Should be fun to see who emerges down the stretch.

Fun Stat: Geno Smith leads the league with 2,560 passing yards. I wouldn't have guessed that, would you?

Falcons 27, Cowboys 21

I'm sick and I'm just going to ignore this game. Cowboys lost. Fell to 3-5. Dak injured. Season likely over. Mike McCarthy Faaaarrrrrt.

Seriously, when is this guy going to get fired? Jerry Jones has lost his fastball. Old Jerry Jones would've fired McCarthy and hired Belichick six weeks ago. Or in the offseason. Like it or not, the NFL is more fun when the Cowboys are in the playoffs and losing in spectacular fashion.

No Cowboys collapse = less fun.

Fun Stat: The Falcons are now 6-3 and this is the first time they've had this many wins nine games into a season since 2016 - the season they had a 28-3 lead over the Patriots in the Super Bowl . . . but choked it away and lost.

Vikings 21, Colts 13

Man, the fucking Vikings could've really helped me feel better by losing last night, but I just learned that they won.

Moreover, I had been begging the Colts to start Joe Flacco, and they finally did, but the Vikings shut him and Indy's offense down.

Now I look like an asshole.

I wasn't asking for much, I just wanted the Vikings to lose so the Bears weren't 2-games back of every team in the division. But they fucking won. Sam Darnold threw for 290 yards and 3 TDs (2 INTs) while Justin Jefferson had 7 catches for 131 yards. That guy is so good.

The Vikes avoided a third-straight loss and are (for now) no longer on fraud watch.

What a dicks. Fuck them.

Fun Stat: Justin Jefferson eclipsed 6,600+ career receiving yards in 68 games - the fastest of any player in NFL history.

TONIGHT: Buccaneers at Chiefs (-8.5)

I don't think the Chiefs are playing good enough on offense to beat the Bucs by 9 points, even at home. In fact, I lo-key the Bucs are going to win this game outright. I'm not confident enough to pick them to win, but I do think they cover.

My Pick: Chiefs 28, Buccaneers 24

My 2024 MNF Record: Straight Up (3-2), Against the Spread (2-3)

PLEASE GO VOTE TOMORROW!