Rome is burning. The world bleeds. A mother weeps. Friends, times are tough.
I love writing about Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects, but it's time to stop fooling around. That's why I felt compelled to retire T I T S (coincidental acronym) and get serious. I still LOVE T I T S. I will never stop loving T I T S. I love big T I T S. I love small T I T S. I love T I T S of all sizes in between. Some might say I'm the pre-eminent T I T S journalist of my day.
That's because I'm a T I T S man and always will be.
Yet, with the election only weeks away, I must shift gears and refocus my unique brand of journalism on Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends. I'm going to cover news, sports, and memes and provide you with VERY Serious commentary on weird shit from around the internet, though not necessarily in that order.
The T I T S era of Flappr has ended, but I hope you'll join me on this journey as we become a Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends blog.
Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends!
Sydney Sweeney: is the best spokeswoman of all time.
What better way to start the Serious Matters era than with a story on the most serious of matters - Sydney Sweeney's continued march toward global domination. The French have a word for this, it's "apropos". Yes, very apropos, indeed.
Just look at Sweeney, she's confident, direct, and commands your attention. You may try to divert your eyes but the laws of physics will preclude you from doing so. Sydney Sweeney's Bountiful Bathing Bobbers are a black hole, they are all-consuming, destroy star systems, and cannot be escaped.
This is why she is the best saleswoman in the history of mankind (except for Jesus). Dr. Squatch? Had no fucking clue what that was until I saw this advertisement and I've already ordered Diddy-Baby-Oil quantities of the product. I still don't know what it is or what it's used for, but I had to have it because SYDNEY SAID SO! However much they paid Sweeney for this commercial, it was not enough. They could've transferred dominion over a small Central American country (maybe Nicaragua?) and it still would've been a steal because for all intents and purposes Dr. Squatch didn't exist before Sweeney hopped in that tub. Now it does and Dr. Squatch has Sydney to thank.
This transitions perfectly to an Unfolding Trend (very apropos), namely "How Hot Girls Became the Right's New Obsession" a question asked by Newsweek in its latest example of publishing retarded think pieces. While I would like to think my blogging efforts played a role in this "development", even I am not so vain to claim credit for human biological imperatives. Hot girls have always been an obsession of heterosexual men with even a modicum of testosterone and self-respect. This used to be universal, but so many libtards have castrated themselves (either literally or figuratively) that only "The Right" can now lay claim to this dominion.
Newsweek's article posits that "The Right's" hot girl obsession is based on a "narrow and conventional definition of sex appeal, or 'hotness'." This gets us to the REAL reason this piece was written - to explain how finding Sydney Sweeney attractive is racist because she's white and her beauty runs counter to "cultural change" and "expansion of beauty standards to be more inclusive in terms of body size, race, and ethnicity." Put another way, progressives are mad that conservative men refuse to get "all bricked up" for pink-haired BIPOC landwhales.
Dear Lord, what a humiliating and illuminating commentary on progressivism by progressives. They admit that they're conventionally unattractive and view forced reprogramming as their only pathway to achieving beauty. Well, too fucking bad, Marxist ugmos! Men, real men, the type of men whom this country needs to win wars, drill oil, and change lightbulbs, refuse to indulge in your delusions. Not gonna fucking happen, you bridge dwellers. Welcome to the dawn of the Age of the Mommy Milkers. This is sexy, apolitical, Sydney Sweeney's world now. I hope you make yourselves comfortable because it's not going away anytime soon.
As you can tell, Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends is vastly different than Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects. I hope you weren't too thrown off by the change in tone and coverage. Moving on.
According to the popular, large-breasted, Instagram content creator featured in this story, she was walking down the street when someone called out to her "Got Milk?". I wouldn't say his comment was 'bizarre' per se, but it was lazy and lacked inspiration. To be clear, I am AGAINST catcalling women, it's cringey, pointless, and generally just kind of rude! BUT, if you're going to do it - at least make it clever! If the catcall is clever, you might even make her smile! I mean, she's not going to chase you down and throw her poonani at you, but if you make her laugh then, perhaps, your catcall was a net positive to society (or at least net neutral).
"Got Milk?" will not make the average woman laugh. "Got Milk?" is a reference that dates back to 1993 and is a joke that's been made to and about Milker'd Maidens ad nauseam ever since. Yelling out "Got Milk?" to a Dairy Endowed Debutant is akin to asking a watchmaker "how he unwinds" after work. Ha ha ha. You must be fun at parties!
Now, solely as a public service, I will share with you some alternatives to "Got Milk? to enhance the big bosom catcalling experience for all involved (**winks** are optional and should be deployed according to style):
"The hills are alive with the sound of moooo-sic" **wink**
"I feel like we've met before, I have a photographic mammary" **wink**
"Your eyes are even prettier". **wink**
"Wars have been started over far less." **wink**
"My dear, I am a Dairy Sommelier and I must tell you that I would make the perfect pairing to compliment your voluptuous vintage." **wink**
"Argh, Matey, I see ye are a Pendulous Pontoon'd Pirate! May I board ye vessels and share in ye bosomy bounties?" **wink**
"I wanted to ask you "Got Milk" but that's cringe and if I'm going to catcall I felt like I should put forth an effort, so . . . "Carrying Calcium?" **wink**
"Sweetie, they're going to ask you to leave this patch because you're making all the pumpkins jealous" **wink**
Again, I am OPPOSED to catcalling! But these lines are at least a bit more refined and carry with them a degree of appreciation and admiration for their large-chested subjects, rather than overt objectification. Please use the lines responsibly.
Ahhhhhhhh I see what they did there. Do you see what they did there? Almost "spills out of her top handling a snake" . . . they're making a hand job joke! The snake is a euphemism for the human male sex organ, which she is "handling". Very clever! She has very a Supple Set of Spellbinding Serpent Seducers! This is fun boobie blogging and that's a good thing!
I'll be honest, though, I have never understood reptile people. I know some of you love lizards, snakes, geckos, turtles, and the like an I'm sure each has its charms (not really), but as pets? Not sure I see the appeal. A gecko isn't going to greet you at the door when you get home from a long day in the wage cage. You can't teach a turtle to do cute tricks, like shake your hand, or roll over and play dead. And if you spread peanut butter on your privates and expect a snake to just lick it off, well, , , buddy, you just made yourself a reservation for an unpleasant evening!
Nah, I'll stick with dogs, our furriest, most boopable companion. Man's best and only friend against the dangers of the wild. When the robot armies turn against us and the Great War for Humanity unfolds, the snake will slither and the turtle will (very slowly and methodically) run, but the dog will remain by your side.
If you're not already, I strongly encourage you to become a canine supremacist.
News! News! News!
VP Debate: Vance the victor, Walz the whimperer
I don't think VP debates determine many votes and people should not place undue weight on how the candidates performed.
That being said, JD Vance was a star on Tuesday night and has been quietly kicking ass on the campaign trail for months now. What Vance showed last night was that the impression of Vance held by too many Americans was nothing more than a media creation of Democrat talking points. JD introduced himself to many Americans for the first time and was not "weird" did not "hate women" and was not some insane far-right boogeyman. Vance presented himself as an excellent communicator who was in control of all the facts, assertive but not rude, and a decent human in love with his family and his country.
Perhaps most importantly, Vance sold Donald Trump and Trumpism better than any human being I've ever seen last night, including, and most notably, Donald Trump himself. Vance framed Trump policies and conservatism in a way most Republicans can and should learn from. On immigration, he didn't engage in histrionics, he was grounded and forced viewers to ask themselves questions they've been too afraid to consider - "Why?" and "How does this help me?".
When pressed on "climate change", Vance expertly framed the issue through the America First prism, arguing that we should build more clean energy here and that if libtards believe in global warming, then why do their policies promote dirty manufacturing in China? Trump has never pitched Trumpism to America like this before because he cannot synthesize his good ideas into digestible talking points. Trump is a CEO and Vance is his Executive VP of sales. This can work.
Similar to Vance, America met the real Tim Walz last night. Walz was never the by-golly-gee, Dontcha know, full of joy and empathy for the gays, public school teacher media concoction that was introduced to America. Walz was nervous, frowny-faced, his shoulders slumped, and he regularly stammered while searching for his pre-packaged talking points. In a word, Tim Walz looked "weird" on the debate stage, at one point saying he's "become friends with school shooters":
I know my biases and I think I can still call it like I see it despite them. JD Vance won the debate handily. Vance was authoritative and confident, while Walz was jittery, evasive, and seemed to be playing defense most of the evening. If any truly open-minded Americans were watching last night (all 300 of them), I struggle to see how any of them could conclude otherwise.
Here's the TL;DR: Vance was a star, he won but it won't matter all that much.
I'm going to be brief (hard for me, as you can tell), but the story here is that Kamala Harris' husband allegedly slapped a former girlfriend in the face "so hard she spun around" according to three of her friends. This assault took place while waiting in a valet line late during the Cannes Film Festival back in 2012.
I assume some of you believe that this might upset some female voters, but I sincerely doubt that this is the case because such voters primarily care about abortion. Now if Doug had forced his former babysitter to NOT have an abortion, well, that could've moved the needle, but a slap? This will bother some, but they'll still pull that lever for Kamala. A slap? The women on The View will excuse and hand waive this away by the time you read this blog.
What's concerning to me, however, is that I've been told that Emhoff is "redefining masculinity" to be less toxic and much more effeminate and gay. Well, I've never laid a single finger on a woman, so what does that make me? Am I an even bigger soy boy than Doug Emhoff? Do I need to slap my wife to reach a normal level of Doug Emhoff's redefined masculinity? Fuck you, Doug, I refuse to hit women and I don't care if that makes me gayer than Tim Walz sashaying at a campaign rally!
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Sunday: Loungewear; and Debate: J.D. Vance Defeats Tim Walz, Norah O’Donnell and Margaret Brennan
The one where Robert Stacey McCain shares his thoughts on the VP debate:
"It was another three-way gang-up, with the three Democrats (Walz, O’Donnell, and Brennan) taking turns hurling accusations at Vance. Every question was either a Democratic Party talking point or, in some cases, a set-up to give Walz a chance to explain away his various scandals. Like, they asked Walz about changing his gun-control stance, he does his yada, yada, yada (rehearsed response) and then — without giving Vance a chance to reply — they moved on to housing . . .
Give credit to J.D. Vance. He was focused and unflappable, maintaining his poise and stating his points clearly and confidently. Also, Vance is just much better-looking than Walz, which matters a lot on TV, especially when the target audience is confused suburban white women who can’t make up their mind who they want to vote for: “Hey, that guy with the beard has cute blue eyes . . .” That’s a few votes in swing states."
I don't have much to add here. The debate was a three-on-one gangbang and J.D. took turns pleasuring and satisfying each participant with relative ease. Moreover, Vance does undeniably possess a 10/10 set of "fuck me eyes" and the salt-n-pepper beard is a good look for him. People have cast their votes over less.
Odds and ends
Don't have sexual intercourse with pumpkins.
Dikembe Mutombo passed away from brain cancer at age 58.
Pete Rose, baseball's all-time hit king, passed away at age 83.
Jimmy Carter, still alive; turned 100.
The plot thickens: sources say Nuzzi and RFK had “incredible” FaceTime sex.
Davante Adams wants to be traded to the Jets or Saints.
Izabooboo fairly questions Vance's enthusiasm for government intervention.
Sarah raises a good point on Joe Biden's irrelevance.
Krissy did not watch the debate; did enjoy the memes.
Halee (Happy Birthday!), did watch the debate; and found JD Vance to be "hot" and . . . ehhhh lubricating.
Sports! Sports! Sports!
TNF: Falcons win OT thriller over Bucs in game of the year
On the night Matt Ryan was enshrined in the Falcons' ring of honor, Kirk Cousins broke his franchise record by throwing for 509 yards and 4 TDs! Baker Mayfield maintained his high level of play, tossing another 3 TDs of his own! Both QBs were efficient, converted third downs, and scored touchdowns in the red zone.
Yet it was high-level execution by Kirk Cousins that determined the outcome of this game. Down 3 with the ball on the 43-yard-line, 12 seconds left on the clock and no timeouts, Cousins completed a pass to Drake London (who finished the game with 154 yards receiving) for 15 yards. Cousins was then able to get his team to the line and spike the ball with 1 second remaining on the clock setting up notable Asian, Younghoe Koo, for a game-tying FG that sent the game to overtime.
From there, Cousins ended the game on the first drive of the extra frame on this throw to some guy named <checks notes> KhaDarel Hodge:
WHAT A GAME! Probably the game of the year! Both teams played competent and fairly mistake-free football. Most importantly, the game was stalled or decided by flags thrown on every play. This felt like a Newton-Brees-Ryan era NFC South matchup, where the offenses were high powered, and the teams took pride in beating the shit out of each other. With the win, the Falcons improved to 3-2, wresting first place in the division away from the Bucs.
NFL Week 4: Reviewed by Flappr
"CAUCASIAN OF THE WEEK: Ladd McConkey
Ladd McConkey showed deceptive speed on Sunday. He is scrappy, a grinder, and has a high football IQ. Ladd is coachable, gritty, and has a great white guy name"
That's a quote from me in this week's BIG TDs Football Blog! See what you're missing out on? Click the link, read what I had to say about your favorite team, and stay for the custom gifs, highlights, and my weekly meltdowns over the Bears! PLUS, you must see who wins the Caucasian of the Week Award!
Joe Flacco: an unexpected career resurgence
Joe Flacco came in relief for Anthony Richardson (who sucks) and quarterbacked the Indianapolis Colts to a win over an undefeated Steelers team that boasts one of, if not the, best defenses in the league. Flacco threw for 168 yards on 16/26 with TWO passing TDs and ZERO turnovers.
Even if Anthony Richardson is healthy enough to play on Sunday, the Colts would be crazy to put Flacco on the bench. Much like the Browns were crazy to allow Flacco to leave in free agency after he thoroughly outplayed Deshaun Watson after being signed off the street and starting five games to lead Cleveland to the playoffs last year. But the Browns let Flacco walk because they had invested so heavily (and foolishly) in Deshaun Wason and they had kept Joe Cool, every guy in that locker room would've known the wrong guy was calling plays on the field.
Here's the thing that baffles me - Flacco is 39 and until last year he hadn't been particularly good at playing quarterback in about a decade. You don't see guys at Flacco's age suddenly rediscover the magic that made them special years and years before. I can't think of a case that matches what Flacco has done. After being mediocre to bad in his final four-ish years in Baltimore, Flacco moved on to Denver, where he was also bad and benched halfway through his lone season with the Broncos. Then Flacco spent three years backing up shitty quarterbacks for the Jets before being plucked off his couch by the Browns in DECEMBER of last year. Last Sunday, Flacco picked up with the Colts where he left off with the Browns, looking every bit like a solidly above-average NFL starting QB:
Twerking in the face of your opponent is something only a real bum would do. It should also not be a suspendable offense. Both things can be true.
Make no mistake, I dislike showboating, hate bat flips, and think taunting is usually lame. But players and participants should police this assholery in the arena, not the leagues and not the refs. We're talking about MMA here, a sport where the primary objective is to beat your opponent until they submit or until a referee determines you've beaten too much shit out of them. And they're policing twerking? No, that's fucking dumb. Similar to the recent trend of taunting penalties we've seen in the NFL for things like "finger guns" pointed at nobody. How gay.
Dickhead players acting like dickheads are part of what makes sports fun. Villains drive narratives and add depth to rivalries that fans pass down from one generation to the next. They help build stories that make games, leagues, and teams more interesting. For example, the Caitlin Clark story has been fun to follow because she's a talented basketball player, but also because she and Angel Reese have been shit-talking each other for two years now. Magic and Bird. Peyton and Brady. Caleb Williams and accusations of homosexuality. You get the idea.
Instead of having the nanny state step in and "protect sportsmanship", the proper course of action was to allow fans to hate on this plump pooper'd pugilist and then root for her next opponent to knock her into next week. Instead, the UFC has deflated the narrative balloon and ruined all the drama.
If you want to stop this Ass-shaking Argentinian from twerking, find an opponent who can throw will give her the Doug Emhoff experience in the octagon. Until then let players and fighters distribute their own justice, it's always better that way.
You didn't think we'd launch this Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends blog without visiting with our old friend, Paige, did you? That wouldn't have been very apropos, now would it have been? No, not apropos at all!
So let's see, what's she up to this time? Oh, well, it appears that she's running a thirst-posting campaign where she poses in "31 costumes in 31 days" for Halloween! That sounds fun, but I must admit that I am not nearly as big a fan of raven-haired spooky Nurse Paige this year as I was of Baywatch Paige last year.
I'm sorry, but this woman is a prototypical blonde bombshell in the mold of Jayne Mansfield, Bo Derek, and Pamela Anderson. Seeing her with jet-black hair just feels like a misuse of her gifts and borderline unethical. It's like having Tom Brady on your team but making him play running back. Some women are well-suited for the dark-features look, like Zooey Deschanel, a natural blonde who dyed her hair black and looks undeniably better. But Paige is a blonde and should remain one, good thing this was only a wig.
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):
It wouldn't be an edition of Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends without a look into the goings on over at Black Sports Online - it's been a feature for as long as this series has existed!
Accordingly, we must rate the literalness of this BSO headline! Upon review you will see that, yes, these photos depict "hockey goalie Mikayla Demaiter" wearing a "cut-out swimsuit" and giving fans a "reason to stop and stare" Well done, gents.
Now let's look at what Mikayla's commenters had to say!
Pakistani pontificator, @IzmailZuccar, got straight to business, telling Mikayla "Babe you drive me nuts ❤️". No frills, no bullshit, just a proclamation of what this woman does to him - she drives him nuts! One can almost imagine Humphrey Bogart posting similar sentiments on a theoretical Ingrid Bergman thirst post!
@gordon1974 felt compelled to share his thoughts in the comments, posting "Stare, ogle, look lovingly etc, etc!🤩🫠 A vision of loveliness" which I guess is his way of letting Demaiter know that he finds her attractive. I am curious about Gordon's use of "etc" here - what beyond staring, ogling and looking lovingly could he have been contemplating? And why the double "etc"? We may never know.
My personal favorite came from proud horny Italian @marceloantonucci who said "You're like ice cream, I only like you in my mouth" which might be the creepiest Instagram comment I've read thus far. It doesn't even make sense. It's just creepy and wildly off-putting. This is NOT an acceptable alternative to "Got Milk?"! This is worse than "Got Milk?"! Do not use that ice cream line on anyone! Not nice!
Meme of the Week!
A couple of weeks back, the memes on Jewish dick-exploding beeper bombs were so good that I could not choose just one. Well, this week was a proverbial goldmine of meme material, and the community DID NOT DISAPPOINT. Between the memes from Tuesday's debate to the memes on Domestic Abuser Doug, there were countless choices worthy of meme of the week. I cannot pick one and will not pick one, but I will share an assortment of some of my favorites.
Debate Memes:
Two contrasting images from the Vice-Presidential Debate perfectly tell the story of its outcome and the performance of the candidates. One of them is an image of J.D. Vance breaking the fourth wall, wearing a wry smile on his face as he shares a moment of incredulity with the viewer watching at home. This image birthed a million memes, none of which captured the playfulness of the pose than this one from @LoneStarTexian, which racked up over a MILLION impressions on X:
The other image - a balding, tub of goo, Tim Walz, eyes bulging out of his skull, looking like he was about to puke, shit, or puke-shit from being too nervous on the debate stage. This photo also birthed a million memes, none of which captured the despair and humiliation of the pose than this one from @midnightmitch:
These two screen captures tell the story of that debate without words. When paired together, as @grandoldmemes did here, these images tell the story better than words ever could:
Yet, the debate memes did not end there, not even close. You had memes that spanned every type of template, medium, and genre of comedy, like this simple, yet effective, and on-point movie reference banger from @MBrassenstein:
Domestic Abuser Doug Memes:
When news broke about how the man who was redefining masculinity allegedly slapped an ex-girlfriend for flirting with another man . . . the memeing community swelled up faster than a black eye. Take this incredibly inappropriate one from the legendary @richard_harambe, for example:
Or this debate meme crossover offering from @magills_ (I told you that photo birthed a million memes):
As you can see, the memes were just too damn good this week to pick just one. I'm not even doing justice to the community by only highlighting five, because there were so many that made me audibly gasp or laugh. So I'm not picking one, I'm picking them all and celebrating all memers who grind out content just to make a point and make you laugh each week.
To accept this week's award on behalf of all memers, I asked @midnightmitch to provide me with a quote for publication:
Wow, so true, king. If you're not already, I encourage you to go follow some of my favorite members, who are all incredibly talented and undeniably funny:
Phew. What a week. What a start to our new era of becoming a Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends blog.
Some Flappr Blogs!
IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR, LEAVE A COMMENT AND LET US KNOW HOW WE DID!
Love it! Laughed out loud multiple times reading this. I also posted about your blog on X, and challenged my follower's manhood if they didn't follow it as well.
Congrats on the S.M.U.T. blog, which should not be confused with a smut blog, which this is not and never will be.
Just one edition but I'm already a huge fan of SMUT. I might spend the whole weekend looking at SMUT.
This is a challenging transition, but you handled it well under the circumstances.
Almost read like TITS. But it is not because the name has been changed to SMUT. I will miss TITS.