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Writer's picturebartleby
4 hours ago

Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends - 11.15.24

It’s news. It’s sports. It’s commentary on weird shit from around the internet.


It’s Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends, our weekly digest of curated links designed to keep you abreast of very important news!


Editor's Note: Please do not search for "Nancy Mace Boobs" or "Boebert Boobs" or "AOC Gazongas" or "other words for boobs". Thank you for your consideration.


 

Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends!




What better way to return to our regularly scheduled format than a story about a woman with two vaginas, who is "twice as horny" as women with only one vagina.


According to the article, this gal suffers(?) from uterus didelphys, a condition that effects only .3% of the population and means she was born with two uteruses, two cervixes and even two vaginas. I'm not sure if there is any biological reason why having two cooters would make a woman hornier, but sure, why not?


If I'm being honest, when I read about a story like this, my first thought goes to "what would ancient civilizations have thought about this?" Like, they didn't know that uterus didelphys was a thing that happens to 3 out of every 1000 women. They must have thought women packing double-barreled beavers were either demons or goddesses, depending on the given culture, right?



Imagine crawling into your deer-skin tent on your wedding night and discovering that your blushing bride was dual wielding binary banana baskets? You'd first consider some of the anatomical options such a condition presents, but then you'd be faced with the reality that you either: a) married a spawn of Satan who was about to consume your seed through one port while disposing your withered carcass through the other; or b) that your new wife is a fertility goddess whose sole purpose is to breed, unrelentingly, to honor a higher power.


Not sure how you proceed thereafter. Maybe you try to hide her paired poonanis from the village-folk? Maybe you cut your losses and turn her in? Maybe you flee and try to live in solitude? Hard to say. I do wish archaeologists would look into this topic, because I was unable to find any research on ancient understanding of uterus didelphys. Such a shame that wokeness ruined the universities




I've made my affection for Alina Habba pretty clear over the past two weeks, but I do not think Donald Trump should hire as White House Press Secretary.


Please, pick your jaws up off the floor! You're drooling all over the linoleum!


Yes, I know this may shock some, but given what Trump has proposed prior to kicking off his second administration, he's going to need a stone-cold killer for this role. He's going to need a steel-spined message-molder who deliver facts and surgically dissects bad faith journo inquiries in meticulous fashion. Ms. Habba is a talented communicator, but I'm not sure her particular skills fit this description. Habba is a showman, a rabble rouser, a blunt object, who I envision would gleefully embrace pugilism over pragmatic deconstruction of journos and their lies.


This would be, no doubt, entertaining, but Trump needs someone who can coldly and boldly explain why deporting millions of illegals and eliminating the Department of Education are good things and the will of the people. My fear is that Habba and her quick trigger might result in soundbites that help support the notion that this administration is unserious and uncaring. Donald Trump will likely make more than enough such statements for the media to feast upon, he needs someone clean them up, not spew gasoline and ignite them further.



I could, however, see Habba serving in this role after the 2026 midterms, when the dye has been cast for the remaining years of Trump's final term in office. Then and there Habba could rev up the base by calling Jon Karl a retard on live TV. At that point, it won't matter as much and we'll likely be in need of a laugh or two. Until then, let Habba serve as an advisor or get her a job on Fox News.


I am still Team Hubba Hubba, Esq., but not here and not now.




It would appear that Hubba Hubba, Esq is not the only person leaking "reports" from "insiders" and "Trump confidants" that she is the "frontrunner" for the White House Press Secretary job. Karoline Leavitt is a 27-year-old MILF who worked in the previous Trump administration under Kayleigh McEnany (who was great at the job). After Trump left office in 2021, Leavitt ran an unsuccessful bid to become the youngest woman ever to be elected to the House of Representatives, falling just 15,000 votes short of winning New Hampshire's 1st Congressional District.


At 27, it does seem like Leavitt is a bit young for the job and would, perhaps, be best served taking on a deputy role in the White House comms shop. I'm not sure I would've been ready for that type of responsibility at that age, but I also hadn't won a congressional primary and worked at the White House for a year or so by then either. Karoline does seem ambitious and has survived the DC viper's pit for a while now. She's also radiant, speaks clearly and authoritatively on TV and has been unafraid to go toe-to-toe with libtards at CNN . . . so, who knows, ya know?


What does seem apparent, however, is that, for the first time since the Reagan Revolution, the conservative movement is filled with young, hungry, professionals who are not for book writing and book cruises. This new crop of activists wants to be gladiators in the arena. That's refreshing and if they can resist the temptations of grifterdom, this suggests a bright future for the GOP.



Also, this goes without saying, but . . . Trump World is filled with attractive women and Karoline Leavitt is no exception. She's gorgeous. A stunner. The All-American Girl Next Door. Kudos to the lucky SOB who wisely identified Karoline as top-notch wife material and wed her. This Trump administration might rival the models in SI Swimsuit Edition (in its current, less impressive, form). Knockouts, top to bottom.




Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG!


Whipping them out DID help Trump Win Pennsylvania. Didn't these people read last week's S M & U T Blog? My writing is intended to be consumed as very tongue-in-cheek, but I am serious when I say that embracing being the party of attractive people has been a huge boon for conservatives and the GOP. Humans are biologically predisposed to favor attractive people and last week's Milkers Against Marxism campaign helped ignite a late wave of enthusiasm prior to election day.



You may laugh, but in the days leading up to the election, many of you were probably insufferably worried. I know, because when chatting with some of you, you were insufferably worried and doom-pilled. The Milkers Against Marxism campaign was the perfect thing to distract bedwetters when that Selzer poll dropped and many (including you) believed Trump was going to lose . . . IOWA!?!


Call it "trashy". Call it "tasteless". Call it whatever you want. When women embraced their femininity and declared their Calcium Cannons as Anti-Communist, it was an effective, mood-shifting, motivation campaign. Every movement needs a few heroes to do the work that others refuse. This movement needed beautiful women letting the world know that it was cool to be against the Marxist running for the Democrats. You don't have to embrace "Milkers Against Marxism" to appreciate its social capture value and you should not shame those who do. You say "unmodest", I say "the AP called Pennsylvania for Trump on November 5th".


This is a rare Daily Caller L.


Editor's Note: I really did want to shift the focus of the blog away from Politics this week, but I had to follow where the stories led me . . . and they led back to here.


 

News! News! News!




Here's the list of Trump's proposed appointments thus far:



I am not going to pretend to know whether or not any of these hires will be good, bad or otherwise. I do not know what makes a "good" Secretary of State or Director of National Intelligence or a "bad" Attorney General or Secretary of Defense. I have thoughts on these choices, but they're guess work at best. What I can say with some level of clarity is that the names listed above are Trump people.


During his interview with Joe Rogan, Trump admitted that when he took office in 2017, he had thousands of people to appoint and no idea on who to appoint. Without any better options, he sought advice of people he thought did know. Those advisors also happened to be DC insiders who suggested he appoint other DC insiders, and those appointments often (though not always) did not work to advance his agenda.


Circumstances have changed since 2017. Trumpism is nearly a decade old and now has a bench of acolytes who desire to see it implemented (to the extent Trumpism policies are a thing that exist). I am not shocked that Trump picked people who have been loyal to his cause, and I am somewhat heartened to see that Trump learned a lesson from his first go-round.



I think a decorated combat hero from outside the military lobbyist bubble makes sense for Secretary of Defense. I think someone who has expressed skepticism of (and been victimized by) our intel community could help reign them in as DNI. I think a Department of Government Efficiency, led by an autistic billionaire on who views himself on a quest to save America might just be what the doctor ordered. I see Matt Gaetz proposed as the next US AG and think . . . well, the other choices aren't so bad (hopefully that's the reason behind his nomination).



Point being, I do not know if Trump is hiring the right people, but I see why he is hiring them, and the never-ending cycle of swampy retreads has not served us well. The agenda proposed by Trump is the most radical reimagining of the United Sates government role in our lives since The Great Depression. His proposed agenda would significantly reduce the size of the bureaucratic state and Trump needs allies who share this vision if he has any hope of making it a reality.


I hope to God that he's chosen correctly. America needs to cleanse itself of institutional rot and force its Marxists elements into decades of reorganization. If that is all he accomplishes in his final term in office, his will have been the most consequential presidency of the modern era.


God speed, Mr. President.


Why Did Kamala Lose?



This is the question that everyone seems to be asking these days.


To me, the answer can be broken down into two primary factors: 1) Kamala Harris is and always has been a terrible political candidate; and 2) Americans like the sound of progressive ideas but hate living in the world those progressive ideas create when implemented.


First off, Kamala Harris embraced every leftist retard policy during her failed 2020 presidential run (Defund the police. Medicare for All. Borders are racist. Pronouns. Latinx. etc. . .) and then refused to repudiate those positions in 2024. Her team issued press releases saying that she "no longer supported X", but during interviews she hedged by insisting that while her position changed, her values had not. This allowed the Trump campaign to frame Harris as a radical Marxist, which they did in scathing ads. The most effective such ad highlighted her support of taxpayer-funded sex changes for illegals and inmates and told Americans that Kamala was for "they/them" while Trump is "for you". It was a brilliant strategy.



Simply put, Kamala is a vapid, empty suit. The problem wasn't that America didn't have enough time to get to know her, it's that Americans did size her up and found her fitness for office to be lacking. Can you blame them? She's a cipher who will say whatever she thinks you want her to say (in a corresponding ethnic accent).


Secondly, and most importantly, Americans gave Democrats across the country a chance to implement their progressive agenda and discovered that living under progressive governance to be intolerable.


"Equity" sounds like something all Americans support and have supported for decades . . . until you realize that "equity" while sounding similar, is the opposite of "equality" and you've been the victim of Marxist wordplay. Of course, you want everyone to get their own slice of pie, but you didn't think that the pie would be only offered to gay BIPOCs. Our apologies, Abigail, no promotion for you this year . . . our DEI officer says we need more wheelchair-bound lesbian representation.


Sure, everyone wants the homeless to be treated with respect! But that presupposes that homeless people are not mentally ill and not hearing voices instructing them to throw feces at you or to push you in front of a train! I don't think anyone signed up for the poop throwing part!


Who doesn't want social justice? People LOOOOVE justice! Unfortunately, social justice in your big city means that we're not going to charge people who steal goods valued under some arbitrary dollar threshold. Sorry, Suzie, but you're going to have to ring the buzzer for someone to unlock the laundry detergent at Target and it's a shame that someone broke the window of your Prius and stole your purse. . . but at least we're social justicing!


Progressive policies as implemented are why this map, which depicts the voting trends from 2020 to 2024, looks like this:



I have always said that the best antidote to progressive ideas is progressive governance, and I think, finally, Americans had their fill. This led enough of them to hold their noses and vote for Donald Trump, not necessarily as an endorsement of the man or his policies but as a recognition that Leftist governance is a poison that needed to be spat onto the floor.



Robert Stacey McCain shares word from MSNBC which suggests that Kamala Harris ran a "flawless campaign":



Sure, go with that. In fact, double down on it! Let's see how it works out in 2028!


Getting High on X


 

Sports! Sports! Sports!


TNF: I didn't watch Thursday Night Football because the Bears are a fucking dumpster fire and it's making very sad.



The Bears are bad. The Bears are so bad right now that I can't stomach watching football. This sucks for me because I love football, but if I watch football there is a good chance people on the screen will bring up how bad the Bears are, and it will make me sad.


The Bears aren't even fun bad. The Bears are sad bad. I can live with the Bears losing hilariously when I have no expectations. But I had expectations coming into the year. Not Super Bowl expectations, but at least some relevance in December. I saw them building something heading into 2025.


That has not happened. The Bears being a laughing stock has ruined football for me. I haven't watched any coverage and did not realize until just now that we're playing the Packers this week. We're going to get our shit pushed in by those communists and I'm going to blow my fucking brains out.


Like I said, I need time to process, but rest assure that I have seen your all of your snide tweets. I see them all and they hurt my feelings, you fucking animals.


NFL Week 10: Reviewed by @assliken



"What a showdown in the AFC North. I am as surprised as you are that I even know what those words mean. It took me 3 years to even know there were 2 divisions that had their own subdivisions. I thought it was all NFL American football league. Joe Burrow coming in off a win and getting straight into his gun-slinging ways. Giving us a show in one of the most dynamic WR and QB relationships in the league."


That quote is not from me, but is from Mujahed "Jay" Kobbe (@assliken) who I asked to fill in for me this week. Which he did, and that was nice of him. I'm not sure he's ever watched a football game and I'm not sure what he wrote is comprehendible to anyone but Jay, but it was very nice of him to do me this favor.


Thank you, Jay. Go follow him on X and read the blog he wrote! Why not?!




Who? Yeah, I'm guessing some of you didn't know the Jets are a team that plays hockey and some of you (the stupider ones) might not know that Winnipeg is a place that exists in Canada. But the Jets are a team, they're currently 15-1-0 and they set an NHL record for fewest number of games to reach 15 wins. The Jets also lead the league in goals scored per game, fewest goals allowed per game, save percentage and power play percentage.


Put another way, through the first month of the season, the Jets have bent the league over and are pumping it from behind with merciless force. I genuinely cannot remember an NHL team that has so thoroughly dominated the league like this before - and their success is not coming from a roster full of known stars. Instead, it's the Jets are getting production from a host of very good, but not outstanding players like, Kyle Connor, a ginger born in Michigan. Connor leads the team with 22 points, which ranks him outside of the top 10 scorers in the league and behind three Colorado Avalanche players (who are 9-8 on the season).



In net for Winnipeg is reigning Vezina Trophy winner, Connor Hellebuyck, who currently sits top 3 in the league in goals against average, save percentage and wins. If there is a "star" on the Jets, it's Hellebuyck, a Michigan native who has taken home the award for best goaltender twice, but has still yet to win the Cup. And that's the question that will follow this impressive start - can the Jets finally turn regular season dominance into postseason success? They haven't been able to in seasons past, but they've also never gone 15-1 before either . . . so, maybe?


The Curious Case of the Winnipeg Jets: a lesson in franchise relocations



I promise you I did not plan to write two segments on a team that few of you have heard of and even fewer care about. But there is something very quirky and unique about the Winnipeg Jets and their strange franchise history that I think you might find fascinating. If not, oh well.


So, the Jets started in the WHA but were absorbed into the NHL along with the Quebec Nordiques (now Colorado Avalanche), Edmonton Oilers and Hartford Whalers (now Carolina Hurricanes) as part of the 1979 merger. They remained the Winnipeg Jets until 1997, when the team moved to Arizona and became the Phoenix Coyotes, who then moved to Utah last year and became the . . . Hockey Club. HOWEVAH, the Coyotes retained the rights to the franchise history as part of the deal. This leaves Utah (which is currently all players from the Coyotes) as a brand-new franchise with a no history and the Coyotes (who were the Jets) as dormant, awaiting a new stadium deal to revive the team.


Now, the current iteration of Winnipeg Jets are actually the Atlanta Thrashers, an expansion club that debuted 1999. The Thrashers struggled to win games or attract fans and eventually moved to Winnipeg in 2012 once the NHL realized black people in Atlanta don't care much for hockey.


This the that current Jets franchise is the old Atlanta Thrashers, the original Jets franchise is currently dormant in Arizona and the Utah Hockey Club, who were the Coyotes last year, are not actually the Coyotes despite being comprised of players who all played for the Coyotes last year. Oh, and the current Jets (old Thrashers) occasionally wear the slick ass uniforms worn by the old Jets (current dormant Coyotes), which doesn't make things any more complicated.


Got all that? Good. The Winnipeg Jets are really good right now. Moving on.




The sexy calendar does not appear serve much purpose these days, given that most of us have calendars in our pockets at all times. Still, it is a time-honored tradition that remains because men. That's it, that's the reason why, because men. Men like to support their favorite brands or, in this case, sports influencer eGirls, by shelling out a few bucks for studio quality photography of attractive women paired with charts that organize the days by week, month and year.


I do not indulge in such purchases, but I appreciate that Paige has put together a product that her fans will consume and enjoy. I actually have an idea for putting together a Flappr themed calendar of our own, featuring the beautiful women of our community, but . . . perhaps that's a discussion best saved for future editions of this blog (it would be cool, though).


According to Golf Magic, "Spiranac's most ardent fans can purchase an unsigned calendar for $1,151.87, while a signed calendar will cost $2,540.90." Uhhh, what? People are going to pay $2,500 bucks for a signed calendar?


That cannot be correct. It is not correct. I just checked her website, and this beautiful work of art can be purchased for $34 or $75 for a signed copy.



Good grief how did Google rank this Golf Magic website so highly under the search term "Paige Spiranac Calendar". It has to be written by AI or some shit. It's almost like Google is broken and almost unusable these days.



We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):



Yep, that's a "female hockey fan" who "showed off her bum" while wearing "Tight Jeans" during a "Leafs-Devils game". Now let's see if these photos set "the internet on fire" by venturing into the replies on X, where these photos went viral.


First up we have, Danny VLX who proclaimed that "[HER] ASS IS MORE DIVIDED THAN DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS" which . . . might be true?


Then Josh Turner, a self-proclaimed paintballer chimed in with "I'm a fan of standing behind you", which is only slightly less creepy than memeage who replied with just "Jiggle Jiggle motherfucker".


And finally, we have Rebecca, an OnlyFans model, who claims to be "ur favorite latinaaaaa" who posted a selfie of herself dressed as a cheerleader with the caption "Can I be your personal cheerleader?" That doesn't make sense, but I think her point of her reply was to see her large breasts and entice people to click on her profile to see more of her offerings. I won't post the photo here, but Rebecca is attractive, and her breasts are quite big.


So yeah, it does appear that these photos set the internet on fire, and this is a literal BSO headline. Well done, gents.


 

Meme of the Week!


This week's top honor goes to @ING2Firebrand for his latest satirical Trump press statement, proclaiming that Tucker Carlson had been named as the White House Press Secretary. A meme that might have caused your boomer parents to text you asking "hey, is this real?"


@ING2Firebrand has been doing these since Trump was banished from Twitter in January of 2021 and the world became reliant upon his "press releases" (which were always really just tweets he could no longer post on Twitter), which he first started posting on his website and later started on Truth Social.


He makes these often and they very often trick people into believing they're real. In July 2022, he convinced million that Trump had made a statement wishing "Sleepy Joe" a quick recovery from the "China Virus", hoping he could recover as quickly as Trump did, which doctors had described as "as Herculean". In July of 2024, he tricked people into thinking Trump had picked Lindsey Graham, who he described as "a True Patriot and Leader" who will resonate with many groups "underserved by the GOP, such as the LBTQ group". Then, two weeks ago, he fooled social media into believing Trump made a post about Peanut the squirrel being subjected to worse persecution than illegal aliens. That one got 2.3M views.


I'd wager that @ING2Firebrand has fooled everyone at least once with these memes because he has mastered the art of "Trump speak" and can impersonate the man as closely as Daryl Hammond did Bill Clinton on SNL. He's a savant, a gentleman (or woman?) and someone you should follow on X (right now).


I reached out to @ING2Firebrand for comment on winning this week's award and here's what he shared with me for publication:



He's just being cheeky, they stole it from him. What a rapscallion!


 

Flappr Haute Coutre Merch of the Week



I have decided to discontinue this section of the blog. My hope was that it might inspire a few of you to purchase something from ClothOff.com, to help fund giveaways to members of this community.


That has not been the case. I don't think anyone has purchased anything as a result of my efforts here. Oh, well, I still enjoy designing cool things, like this hat which is really fucking sleeeeeek. Whatever.


IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR, LEAVE A COMMENT AND LET US KNOW HOW WE DID!

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