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Writer's picturebartleby
1 day ago

Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends - 12.13.24


It’s news. It’s sports. It’s commentary on weird shit from around the internet.


It’s Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends, our weekly digest of curated links designed to keep you abreast of very important news!


Editor's Note: Please do not search for "Nancy Mace Big Boobs", "Boebert Boobs", "AOC Gazongas" or "other words for boobs". Thank you for your consideration.


Editor's Note #2: I accidentally hit send on the Substack e-mail, so I just published this a day early. Enjoy.


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Serious Matters & Unfolding Trends!




Nipples . . . we all got 'em, right?


But we don't talk about the nipple much, do we? I've drafted many (some might say too many!) words about female human breasts, but I cannot recall ever spotlighting the nipple in any previous edition of the blog. In fact, I've gone to great lengths to censor the nipple in several of our custom-made gifs to avoid smut blogging accusations.


Why is that? Nipples are important! They facilitate one of life's most crucial functions - breastfeeding. Unfamiliar with this practice? Allow me to educate you. You see, after childbirth, hormones (specifically prolactin) stimulate mammary glands to produce milk, which is then delivered through the nipple to the suckling recipient, typically an infant, yet perverts have, on occasion, been known to drink straight from the source (which is frowned upon). Can't breastfeed a baby without nipples, can you? Sounds pretty damn important to me.



On the surface, 'nipple filler' sounds ridiculous. But is 'nipple filler' any more absurd than lip filler, Botox, BBLs, or any of the other things women are willing to inject into themselves to improve their appearance? I say no. According to the article, one can enhance their nipple projection with "a minimally invasive procedure that involves injecting hyaluronic acid" which costs around "$5,000 and usually entails 1 cc of dermal filler per nipple". $5000 bucks for increased nipple projection? That's a fucking steal.


You cannot put a price on the feeling of having spectacularly projected nipples!


You know what, it's time we do a nipple deep dive.


Nipple Aesthetics: A Primer on Pokies



The nipple is essential to assessing the allure of bosoms. When it comes to the beauty of a breast, nipples are as important as the size, shape, and density of a given set. This is not to say that a pair of mind-blowing brassiere busters suddenly become undesirable if the bumps around the areola (called Montgomery Tubercles, named after that lucky SOB, William Montgomery, an Irish physician and obstetrician) are a little . . . extra bumpy. No, all bosoms are amazing, but we CANNOT ignore the fact that nipple aesthetics matter! 


I mean, deep down we all know that nipple location is crucial to provide balance and composition to female human breasts, right? A pair of Delightful Dairy Doozies might turn into a duo of Disappointing Dairy Dontzies should the nipples be located too high or too low upon the breast. Picture a woman's chest like you would a human face (which I do regularly). Now imagine what that face would look like if the eyes were even with nose. That would look disturbing!


The nips are the eyes in this example. I think so, anyway, but you get the idea.



Determining the most desirable nipple location can be difficult, but here Mother Nature lends us a hand. The Golden Ratio (De Divina Proportione) has been used to define beauty for over 2500 years. It appears in various naturally occurring phenomena like the arrangement of petals on a flower, the spirals in a pinecone, the shape of seashells, and, yes, even in the proportions of the human body. As a result, studies from very reputable researchers have concluded that the ideal breast proportion is 45:55, where 45 percent of the breast should be above the nipple, and 55 percent below the nipple. Your taste may vary, but The Golden Ratio is the Road Map for Ravishing Round Mounds and rarely steers us wrong.


Unsurprisingly, Ms. Sweeney's Gargantuan Globes are Golden Ratio Perfection.



Likewise, areola elegance plays a pivotal role in determining the overall loveliness of Jubilant Julius Squeezers. The areola frames the nipple and is the most prominent element visible on the bosom. A disproportionately big areola paired with a relatively diminutive nipple is distracting—not unlike a ludicrously large teacup sitting upon a tragically tiny saucer. This may be desirable those with Avant Garde, modern, Marxist, sensibilities, but they're not my cup of tea (pun intended).



Making matters even more complicated, the preferred diameter of an areola may differ depending on the size of the breast they sit upon. Researchers suggest that the ‘rule of thirds’ should be considered when determining the proper areola aesthetic, but I believe that areola size is more art than science. Aside from overall size and density, areola dimensions are how bosoms define themselves and where they develop their unique character. And unlike nipple location, there is no "right" answer. A small breast does not necessarily benefit from even smaller areolas and nipples. Conversely, a well-placed small nipple matched with a well-tailored areola looks mouthwateringly appropriate when paired with Mammoth Mommy Milkies. As this is a subjective judgment, YMMV (Your Milker-Mindset May Vary).



There is much left to be investigated and discussed on this topic. The preferred standard for areolar shape is well settled and obvious enough - the more circular, the better. Meanwhile, the desirability of nipple puffiness is a much less discussed topic that borders on taboo. Nipple/areola pigmentation is related to one's skin color and riddled with potentially cancel-worthy pitfalls that I'm not interested in navigating just yet. And we have yet to even broach the topic of the so-called "free the nipple" campaign that lingers within the libtard underbelly of our culture. However, at least for today, I think we've covered enough of the nipple.


Much like the Majestic Mountains of Mirth upon which they are attached, nipples are an endless source of intrigue, fascination, and joy. I hope that you've found this brief primer on nipple aesthetics to be an enjoyable read because I can assure you it was enjoyable for me to write.


Moving on . . .




This poor woman. . . . **sigh** . . . . another victim of so-called "Bidenomics".


Are you fucking happy now, Joe? Are you proud of how your failed monetary policies and extravagant spending accelerated inflation and forced this 21-year veteran of the Arapahoe County Sheriff's Office into a life of f*ck-films? You did this, you sick, kid sniffing, monster! Where is the "inflation reduction" promised by the so-called Inflation Reduction Act? What about all that JOB CREATION you keep touting (mostly jobs recovered from COVID and new taxpayer-funded government jobs)? By the sound of it, this Colorado Sherrif's Deputy might needed multiple "jobs" (hand and/or blow, but hopefully not foot) just to feed her family!



Seriously, though, it sucks that she lost her job, but they DID have to fire her. People put into positions of public trust should not be simultaneously engaging in porn. CALL ME A PURITAN, but I feel like a secret life of porn is incompatible with a career in public service! Imagine for a second that you're a drug lord and you knew Sherriff Suck-N-Blow's moonlighted in the adult film industry - what might you do with this information? Think about it . . . use your head. No, not that head!



YES, YOU'D BLACKMAIL HER! And it would work because she knows that if her secret ever became public - she'd lose her job! So, yeah, sorry, Sherriff Suck-N-Blow, you can be in law enforcement or you can be in porn, but you can't do both.


This was a fair outcome.


 

News! News! News!




No, no, no. Yes, I am an 'Illinois man', but this was not me. I would NEVER assault a woman, let alone the reigning Mommy Milky Division Champion (and a beloved follower on Twitter). Sorry, you conspiracy-minded sickos, the freak who accosted Nancy Mace was (allegedly) someone with an axe to grind over her very normal opinion that humans with cocks and balls should not use the women's restroom.


Fuck this guy. Fuck him right up his trans-loving butthole! He'd probably enjoy that though . . . so fuck him somewhere less desirable! Fuck him up the nostrils! Fuck his ears canals! Sorry, libtard, we like Nancy Mace 'round these parts and we're not going stand by while you (allegedly) accost her! Fuck his mangina!


According to the article, U.S. Capitol Police arrested a 33-year-old man after he was accused of assaulting Congresswoman Mace inside the Rayburn House Office Building. The specifics of the encounter remain unconfirmed, but on Tuesday evening Mace (who almost certainly has perfect nipples) posted that she had been "physically accosted" by a "pro-tr*ns man" resulting in injuries that required a brace for her wrist. Flappr quickly came to her defense, proclaiming that this act of aggression would "not stand" and encouraging the Congresswoman to "STAND TALL AND DO NOT LET THEM WIN!" Perhaps moved by our pledge of support, the South Carolinian with Large Lowcountry Lip-Biters responded to our reply with "Fight fight fight". 



**swoooooon**


Andy Ngo reported this morning that the suspect grabbed Mace's hand, aggressively tightened his grip, and shook her around by her arm. For what it's worth, the group with alleged accoster disputes this account and says that it was just a handshake. Mace is wearing a sling, though, and footage of the incident must exist, so I tend to believe she is telling the truth.


I previously wrote that I thought Mace was taking a political gamble when she first launched her bathroom crusade a couple of weeks back. At the time I warned of potential backfire if Mace turned the trans congresswoman/man "into a martyr", but the gender goblin coalition has shown that they are unable to play it cool and allow themselves to be "victimized". First, a bunch of them got arrested by storming into the women's bathroom and refusing to leave. Now you have this ogre allegedly shaking Mace around like some sort of beautiful, blue-eyed, bosomy, smart, funny, effervescent, rag doll. If true, this further bolsters Mace's point the people behind this movement are weird, aggressive, sickos who feel entitled to bully women who don't want men in their spaces.


If, however, Mace is lying or LAUGHABLY exaggerating the seriousness of this encounter, then she will be disqualified from the 2024 MOTY Awards and may be stripped of her 2023 Mommy Milky Division Crown. I don't think this is the case, but I cannot abide that type of behavior. That's what AOC did on Jan. 6 when she said 'I thought I was going to die' despite not being AT the capitol and only witnesseing the events on television. I can't support that type of hysteria. That's what libtards do.


Daniel Penny: acquitted on all charges





I'm not going to delve into the "Daniel Penny is a hero" discourse because I don't think it's relevant to the fact that this man didn't deserve to go to prison. He should not have been charged and should not have had his life ruined. He would not have been charged in all but a few sapphire blue libtard jurisdictions. He would not have been charged if the mentally ill homeless crackhead he restrained had been white. He would not have had to restrain anyone had the sapphire blue libtard city did not instruct its police to stop doing their jobs. Likewise, the homeless mentally ill crackhead might still be alive if libtard Soros DA imprisoned mentally ill homeless crackheads who randomly punch old ladies.


Moreover, I'm not sure that Daniel Penny would've been acquitted had Donald Trump not won in November. Trump's convincing victory has emboldened normies to embrace values and mores that nearly all Americans shared before 2016. Those standards of conduct, understanding of right and wrong, and notions of fairness never disappeared, but Americans who believed these things were pounded into submission by years of an attempted Maoist-style color revolution.


Had Trump lost, I think Daniel Penny might be sitting in a prison cell, awaiting sentencing today. But Trump won and I think the twelve New Yorkers sitting on that jury felt less intimidated when voting to acquit because they saw that a majority of Americans no longer felt intimated by the regime.



When they saw that a majority of Americans were willing to vote for a man who the media had told them was literally Hitler, it became much easier for them to acquit a man who acted in the interest of protecting others, regardless of the outcome.


The vibes, as they say, have shifted. And for Daniel Penny's sake, thank God that they have.



The boys over at TOM shared a tl;dr summary on the Insurance CEO Killer


"He was the valedictorian of a prestigious Baltimore prep school who earned bachelor’s and master’s degrees at the University of Pennsylvania and served as a head counselor at a pre-college program at Stanford University.


With his credentials and connections, he could have ended up one day as an entrepreneur or the chief executive of one of his family’s thriving businesses.


Instead, the police now believe that Mr. Mangione, 26, is the masked gunman who calmly took out a pistol equipped with a suppressor on a Midtown Manhattan street last week and assassinated Brian Thompson, the chief executive of UnitedHealthcare. He was arrested in Altoona, Pa., on Monday after an employee at a McDonald’s recognized him and called the police. Officers said they found him with fake identification, a weapon similar to the one seen in the video of the killing, and a manifesto decrying the health care industry."



Yeah, he had back pain or something. I never had to suffer the daily misery of a misaligned or surgically repaired spine, but I can only imagine it sucks. I do know that insurance companies suck. That's not just cause to murder someone. And it's certainly not an act of altruism and doesn't make one a hero or heroic for doing so. Mangione is quite the opposite - he fucking shot a dude in the back. That's kind of pussy move.


Moreover, the amount of social-media glorification of this effeminate-looking Italian has been nauseating. If you only followed this story on X, you'd think that the most controversial facet of this murder was whether or not the killer aligned with the ideological right or left. Not because the sides wanted to distance themselves from his heinous act, but because they desire to claim him. Yes, communists and Right-Wing Chuds both view Mangione as "based".


I don't share this opinion. I think it's fucked up and not at all reflective of the sentiments of average Americans outside of the twitter-bubble. You don't kill someone just because you feel like he represents a dysfunctional or predatory system and the retards celebrating this insanity would not like how this standard of conduct eventually would be used against them.


It's troubling that I even have to explain why cold-blooded murder is bad. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? 17th-century mathematician and physicist, Blaise Pascal, once said that “There is a God-shaped hole in the heart of every man”. And he was right, sadly too few are filling that hole with God these days and far too many are filling it with Marxist-oppression politics.


Not good.


Getting High on X



 

Sports! Sports! Sports!




The Niners are the only team other than the Bears I have been rooting for this season. I like Flappr Endorsed All-American Boy, Brock Purdy. I like MAGA hat wearing, Nick Bosa. I like Chicago Bears fan, George Kittle. I like a lot of guys on the team and their ELITE SSOs. So, of course they fucking suck this year and last night threw up a huge stinker with their season on the line. Brock Purdy stunk - that INT, with the Niners down 3 and on the fringe of FG range was inexcusable. You can't throw that ball, but he did and it essentially ended San Fran's slim hopes of returning to the playoffs.


The game itself stunk too - it was the only NFL game this season where neither team scored a touchdown. The teams combined for 25 first downs after the Rams alone had 28 last week. There were 13 punts. It was not an enjoyable watch.


The most notable thing from this game happened off the field, when Niners' veteran linebacker, De’Vondre Campbell, told the team he didn’t want to play anymore and left the sidelines in the third quarter. That's pretty wild. You really don't see this happen in professional sports. As you can imagine, his teammates were not thrilled by his cowardice.



Yeah, that's just kind of how this season has gone for the Niners.


NFL Week 14: Reviewed by Flappr



"Fuck you, Vikings fans. I hope you choke on cured fish, you lutefisk eating communist sodomites!"


That quote is from me in this week's BIG TDs Football Blog! See what you're missing out on? CLICK THE LINK, read what I had to say about your favorite team, and stay for the custom gifs, highlights, and my weekly meltdowns over the Bears! PLUS, by clicking that link you'll make me happy and that's worth something, right?




Ehhhhh, what the fuck? Why is Bill Belichick going to coach college football? Why is he going to be coaching the fucking Tarheels? How does this make any sense?


I know that Belichick's father, Steve, served as an assistant coach for North Carolina back in the 1950's, but I do not like this and am not supportive of this move. I think the idea here is that Bill Belichick negotiated a deal that will allow him to pass the job down to his son when he's done, but what the fuck? Handing something to his son, rather than making him earn it, doesn't seem Belichickian.


Belichick belongs in the NFL, not trying to rebuild a college program that hasn't won an ACC football title since 1980. BB currently ranks SECOND on the NFL all-time coaching wins list, just 14 games behind Don Shula. He'd likely top that many wins early in his second season coaching a new NFL team. Is he not going to go after that record? Could he not get an NFL job? That seems unlikely.


The whole thing feels . . . off. It feels like Belichick might be taking advice from someone who doesn't know what the fuck they're doing and is leading him astray.



Yeah, I think the new eGirl in his life might be calling the shots. Dave Portnoy mentioned as much in a recent episode of The Unnamed Show when he explained how Belichick's media negotiations were routed through his 22-year-old girlfriend. That sounds insane, but so does Bill Belichick coaching the North Carolina Tarheels.


Even titans can be felled by co-ed cooze. A parable as old as time.




I talk a LOT about Supportive Significant Others (SSOs) on this blog and with good reason. SSOs are an important facet of sports and a powerful indicator of athlete performance. If a player has an elite SSO, like Olivia Culpo, you can see how her support translates to production on the field. So, it was no surprise to see Josh Allen EXPLODE for three rushing AND three passing TDs in his first game following his engagement to ELITE actress, singer, and SSO, Hailee Steinfeld.


Would Josh Allen have set this NFL Record had he not popped the question to Hailee Steinfeld? Perhaps, but almost certainly not. The amount of testosterone pumping through Allen, knowing that his fiance, Hailee Steinfeld, was out there somewhere supporting him, must have been astronomical. The women watching Allen perform these SSO-fueled feats from the stands of SoFi Stadium likely experience second-hand arousal. In fact, some of them might now be pregnant from the aura of Allen's SSO-powered performance.


Think I'm being hyperbolic? Let's check the stats.



At the start of this year, many experts believed Buffalo to be in the midst of a rebuilding year because the Bills had lost most of their offensive weapons. What experts did not account for is that on July 23rd of this year, Allen confirmed his relationship with Steinfeld via a vacation post on Instagram. The result? A season-long display of dominance where the 28-year-old quarterback has posted career lows in turnovers (long a weak spot in his game) and a career-high QBR that has him in the running for his first MVP award. In the season before Allen made things 'Facebook Official', Allen threw a career-high in INTs and posted his lowest passer rating in five seasons.


Hmmmm, Josh Allen loses Stefon Diggs and Gabe Davis, but suddenly starts playing better football while leading his team to a 10-3 start and a fifth consecutive division title. Hmm, I wonder what could be the source of this unexpected improvement in Josh Allen's play? Hmmmmmmmmmm . . . .



That's right, the girl who captured America's heart with inspired performances in Pitch Perfect and True Grit inspired Josh Allen to take his game to new heights. That's the only explanation. A smart sports bettor would read this blog, track SSO trends, and invest accordingly. Just saying.





Does the name Ava Louise sound familiar to you? It might be because she's flashed her Big Apple Airbags all over the city of New York in 2024.


First, she flashed the NY Portal thingy with Dublin, causing it to be shut down.



Next, she flashed at Trump's first NY rally at Nassau Coliseum on Long Island.



She then flashed Elon Musk at Trump's Madison Square Garden rally, right before election day.



Then on Sunday, she says that an anonymous New York Giants player paid her money to flash the Saints on the sidelines . . . which she did. At this point, Louise's Empire State Eyepoppers have become a fixture of the New York City skyline.


I kind of believe Louise's claim! The Giants have a history of mammary-related chicanery! In the 1980's Giants Hall of Fame linebacker, Lawrence Taylor, admits to sending prostitutes to the hotel rooms of opposing players to tire them out the night before a game. This was a bold strategy! But it seemed to have worked as the Giants dominated much of the 80s, taking home two Super Bowls and launching the careers of several players whose busts now reside in Canton.


Unfortunately, Ava's exposed Gotham City Gobsmackers did little to turn the tides of Big Blue's fate - the G-Men lost to the lowly Saints 14-11. In a bit of poetic irony, the Giants have only two wins on the season, which just so happens to be the number of boobs exposed at MetLife last Sunday.



We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):



Based on the video at issue here, we can see that Blitzkriegging Blonde Bombshell, Alicia Schmidt, is soaking in a "Cold Bathtub" while wearing "Tight Shorts And Crop Top". But did Schmidt "Turn Heads" with this video? To answer that, we'll need to research the comment section.


First up hip-hop connoisseur, allstars_sky1, who exclaimed "ICE ice baby ❤️🔥❤️ lalaa lalalaa la la la la la" in his attempt to catch Schmidt's attention. I'm assuming that this comment was trying to call back to Vanilla Ice's infamous 1990 rap ballad "Ice Ice Baby", but I'm not sure if "lalaa lalalaa" was a comprehensible reference to the beat of that song.


Meanwhile, budesliegn1, commented "deine brustwarzen müssen hart sein" which sounded spicy to me, so I translated from German and learned that he posted "Your nipples must be hard". I can't lie, while inappropriate, this made me laugh. It's not original, but revealing the translation was a highlight of my week.


And finally, darkhanshirinbekov, posted the longest comment I've ever seen on Instagram, telling Schmidt "How charming you are! The Almighty created you perfect and you truly deserve it. You are perfection itself and must be cherished. You are like crystal, so delicate and fragile, but at the same time so elegant that it is impossible to convey it in ordinary words, it must be seen and felt with the soul. Be happy! ❤️❤️❤️". Um, yeah, sure, why not. Chicks love it when random dudes tell them they're "like crystal".


Based on all available evidence, I think we can say that, yes, Alicia Schmidt did turn heads after posting a cold bathtub video while in tight shorts and a crop top.

This was a literal BSO headline. Well done, gents.


 

Meme of the Week!



This week's top meme honor goes to OG memeing legend, @KSLawWolf, for this meme mocking BLM's threats in the wake of the Daniel Penny verdict.


First off, fuck BLM.


Secondly, this meme is great because it repurposes the iconic Trump Pretending to Be Retarded template and gives it new life. I love when people use an existing template and tailor it to a given situation. That's what memers like @magills_, @richard_harambe, and @midnightmitch do each day. That's elevating the art form and, in my opinion, the mark of a true memesmith.


Finally, I think the recent surge of Trump Pretending to Be Retarded memes is evidence of the aforementioned shifting of the vibes. The video from which this template originates was once viewed as proof of Trump's unfitness for office. Moreover, the word "retarded", used only to convey the stupidity of one's actions and never to insult the mentally disabled, was cast into the dustbin of cancelable terms. And yet, Trump Pretending to Be Retarded memes have never been more popular, and use of the term "retard" has begun to creep back into the lexicon.


These trends do not exist in a pre-Elon purchasing Twitter world. Something for you to consider the next time you're ready to complain about changes to the "block" rules. Food for thought.


I reached out to @KSLawWolf for comment on taking home this week's award and here's what he shared with me for publication:



So true, King. So true.


Update: @magills_ has responded.


 

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