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Very Important News!
Ginger Appreciation Month Continues: Raquel Welch
Raquel Welch was one of the most beautiful women to ever live and has a place on the Mt. Rushmore Milkers (Mr. Milkmore?). There are so many beautiful photos of this woman that I genuinely struggled to choose just two for this segment.
Raquel was born in my hometown of Chicago, Illinois in 1940 and had a film and television career that spanned over 50 years. She was perhaps best known for her role as Loana in the 1966 fantasy film One Million Years BC, where spoke fairly little, but wore a fur-lined bikini and captivated the minds of men for generations to come. She was so sexy in that movie that Andy Dufresne later requested a poster for his prison wall - where her beauty inspired him to crawl through a river of shit and come out clean on the other side.
After One Million Years BC, Welch became an overnight sex symbol - though that was a role she never intended to play, telling the Daily Mail back in 2001 that she was "not brought up to be a sex symbol" and that it was not in her nature to be one, but that she fact that she became one was "probably the loveliest, most glamorous, and fortunate misunderstanding."
Welch, a self-described conservative, was the antithesis to the libtard, Jane Fonda-types of her era. Whereas 'Hanoi Jane' visited and posed for photos with the Vietcong Army, Raquel Welch appeared at USO shows during the Vietnam War to support American Troops, because she was American, not Vietnamese, and loved America, rather than the Vietnamese Communist Party.
In some ways, Sydney Sweeney is a modern-day version of Raquel Welch. Both are undeniably beautiful, talented, actresses, who perhaps derive some of their fame from presenting themselves as fun-loving, feminine, and a little wink-wink naughty. I am not qualified to make this judgment, as I was not alive during Welch's prime, but I have watched her in some interviews and she, like Sweeney, appeared to be in on the joke. Raquel Welch understood that people thought she was hot as fuck and she was okay with that. She embraced it, even. That's cool.
Sadly, Ms. Welch passed away last February. In my opinion, Raquel Welch's impact on pop culture has been understated by our media and her legacy deserves to be remembered. This is why I produced Raquel Welch - In Mammoriam - to keep her memory alive for the generations to come:
Congrats on a life well-lived, Raquel. Happy Ginger Appreciation Month.
**EDITOR'S NOTE**
Raquel Welch might have been a natural brunette, I don't know. But, she often appeared with red hair on film . . . so still counts.
I'm not intending to besmirch the integrity of the two-time Miss BumBum champion featured in this story, but I'm not sure I believe that she adds sperm to her protein shakes. Look, I know you might think I'm a conspiracy theorist for my take here, but I have reason to suspect that people are not always truthful on the internet. I've seen it happen before. I've seen the documents the deep state doesn't want you to see. They're turning the eGirls into Dairy-Endowed-Deceivers!
Think about it, what nutritional benefit would sperm add to the typical protein shake? The average ready-to-drink protein shake contains around 17 grams of protein. Meanwhile, during ejaculation, the average man releases sperm in a volume of 10 ml, which is approximately 0.5 grams of protein. If true, this woman is openly bragging about adding less than a gram of sperm protein to her shake. Folks, , , that's a de minimis amount of protein. I have no choice other than to conclude that this Silicone-Enhanced-Senorita is stretching more than just sweaters . . . she appears to be stretching the truth.
What's more, today's revelations call into question previous reporting from the Daily Star. In the March 1st edition of T.I.T.S., I commented on a story about this who claimed that she suffered from 'spontaneous climax disorder', a condition that she said caused her to experience up to 100 orgasms a day. I shared my sympathies for this woman and anyone who endures continual, unwanted orgasms. Guess who the subject of that story was - yep, Miss BumBum herself.
Was she telling the truth then? Does she actually drink sperm shakes? Am I the boob-enthusiast version of Alex Jones? I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
This episode shook me to my core.
**EDITOR'S NOTE**
I bet you didn't think you'd learn the of protein in an average man's ejaculate when you opened up T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) today, did you? I apologize for that and to all men for debunking a common argument when trying to convince women of the merits of consuming versus expectorating one's genetic material. Sorry, fellas, it had to be done. The search for truth triumphs all.
If you're a regular reader of this blog, you'll know that I'm a stickler when it comes to anointing people with lofty titles like "The World's Sexiest Lawyer" or "The Paige Spiranac of <insert title here>". More often than not, these outlets are exaggerating for clickbait or simply get these things wrong. So, you can imagine my skepticism when I saw that the Daily Star had ordained someone as the "World's Sexiest Swimmer."
But I think they might have gotten this one right? I don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of all of the swimmers in the world, but I can't say I've seen any swimmer quite as beautiful as this one. Most female swimmers don't share this San Jose State University aquanaut's . . . buoyancy. She's robustly feminine.
Which makes me wonder how good this Romanian-Born-Rocketship is in the pool. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that she's quite attractive, but her beauty might put her at a huge disadvantage in her chosen sport. Put another way, those bountiful-bobbers seem like they would generate quite a bit of drag in the water. Like trying to swim with two life vests on, you know?
Anyways, good work, Daily Star, you might have finally gotten one right.
According to the article, a "jilted man posted a photo of his pint in 'Guinness Community', a public Facebook group with almost 277,000 avid fans of the black stuff. However, the man moaned that he only got seven likes on his post while one featuring a buxom woman got over 1,200."
Listen, mate, nobody gives a fuck about your pint of dirty Irish mop water (yes, Guinness is gross). People love boobs. We've been over this ad nauseum on why this is the case.
Here is a little bit of hard truth for y'all - women have a huge (or sometimes medium or small) advantage over men when it comes to social media. Two ample-areola'd-advantages, actually. Simply put, if a woman with Nourishment-Filled Knockers posts of photo on the internet where her breasts are even slightly in frame it's going to generate EXPONENTIALLY more engagement than a similar photo without such boobage. If that photo shows a little cleavage, you can increase that advantage by a factor of about one billion (give or take).
Because men are more visually stimulated than women (a.k.a. way hornier), it's easier for women to build followings on social media. Men and women will more readily click follow on a Twitter account if the profile picture represents a beautiful woman. People are more likely to like and RT a photo if boobs are present. The same goes for photos that feature human female butts, faces, stomachs and yes *shudders* feet. Now, it's not the only reason why someone becomes successful on social media, but it helps and anyone suggesting otherwise is a fucking liar.
And guess what? THAT'S OK. I'm not crying in my beer over this (solid pun there). This is the way of the world. This is not a bug in the system, it's a feature. Women are beautiful, and men are gross.
So, yeah, a glass of Guinness is not going to outperform a glass of Guinness + boobs on social media. It doesn't matter how beautifully you've staged that stout; boobs will always win.
As they should.
I've written before about how I think the concept of a 'sexpert' is both fake and lame, but the topics available for discussion have not been particularly tremendous or intriguing as of late. It's been a grind to find weird shit for me to riff about (credit to me for grinding to entertain you), so we're going to have to indulge this degenerate nonsense.
According to the 'sexperts' here are the 'top 10 kinkiest states' as based on the monthly volume of sex toy-related searches on Google per 100,000 residents:
This is a stupid list, with a self-serving methodology. It was published by a website that reviews, and you're not going to believe this . . . sex toys! Making this list less of a scientific study and more of a marketing gimmick. In this article, the NY Post anoints people who sell sex toys as 'sex experts'. I disagree, they're sex aficionados who make money from publishing reviews of various degen-devices. There is no such thing as a 'sexpert'. That's a made-up thing that I wish people would stop using unironically.
If there is anything to glean from this list it's that people in Utah are much freakier than one might have expected. I didn't think the Mormons got down like that, and yet, there they are, ranking 8th on a list that ranked the number of times people searched for things like 'fleshlight,' 'anal beads,' and 'lube'. Then again, there is that Smoking Mormon MILF who keeps making headlines for exposing her Latter-Day-Lactators . . . so maybe I should've seen this coming.
Either way, you're now on notice, Utah. Stop searching for 'cock rings' or whatever on Google, you misbehavin' Mormons. Naughty, blasphemous, Mormons.
Disgusting.
Important News!
Bloodbath: is the new 'very fine people on both sides'
Last week, Donald Trump delivered a speech in Ohio and, while talking about the auto industry, said “If I don't get elected, it's going to be a bloodbath.”
He was talking about China's plans to try to manufacture cars in Mexico and sell them in America. When he said bloodbath, he said it in the context of what would happen to the American auto industry should he not be elected to save them from China's infiltration into the US market. Everyone understood what he meant.
When the term 'bloodbath' is used in common discourse, the term is never used in the literal sense - nobody is suggesting that rivers of blood will flow as the result of something. No, 'bloodbath' is used in a metaphorical sense, conveying that an event will result in overwhelming defeat or devastation. In fact, Merriam-Webster includes 'economic disaster' as part of its definition for 'bloodbath'. Everyone knows how this term is used.
The media understood what he meant and knew how the term bloodbath is used, but they spent the entirety of this past week pretending that Donald Trump had just issued a direct threat to America. It was disingenuous. It was disgusting. It was disgustingly disingenuous.
This is worse than when they mischaracterized his 'very fine people' statement after Charlottesville. At least during that episode, you could argue that Trump spoke clumsily and left himself vulnerable to misinterpretation. This bloodbath narrative has none of that. This one is such an insane stretch that I can't believe they're trying to see if it will stick. I shouldn't be surprised, but I am.
Fuck, this shit is exhausting. The corporate press truly is the enemy of the people.
Nobody wants this. Nobody asked for this. This will hammer the auto industry and make things more expensive and more inconvenient for average Americans.
Electric cars currently make up 1% of all US vehicles on the road. EVs represented only a 7.6% share of US new car sales in 2023. Earlier this year, the major automaker announced its intentions to cutback on EV production due to lack of demand. Ford announced last fall its plan to delay about $12 billion in previously announced EV spending because consumers are no longer "willing to pay a premium for an electric vehicle over an internal-combustion or hybrid alternative."
To a normal person, this evidence would suggest that pushing EVs is a poor idea that is doomed for failure. To the retards in the Biden administration, this evidence suggested that they only need to squeeze harder.
When I said "nobody wants this", I wasn't spewing malarkey, Jack.
NY Post: Joe Biden’s new ‘boat anchor’ shoes meant for maximum ‘stability’ as president’s falls spark concern
Oh dear, God, they put this motherfucker in fall-resistant shoes. This is where we're at right now, folks. Our president's handlers are so worried about the optics of this old codger falling (again) during an election year that they threw a pair of rubber tires on his feet. This is the leader of the free world! He has nuke codes!
I did anticipate a more cringeworthy shoe-related incident than Trump releasing those garish $9,000 high tops at 'Sneaker Con', but somehow Biden found a way to top him. We've bought the ticket, may as well enjoy the ride.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Sunday: Sleeping In; and ‘An Extensive Criminal History’
The one in which Robert Stacey McCain shares with you the tragic story of a man with an “extensive criminal history in South Carolina”:
"Yes, it’s the same Jaremy Alexander Smith who broke out of the Marion County jail 10 years ago and, about 12 hours after Smith murdered Officer Hare in New Mexico, authorities in South Carolina announced that they had recovered the body of Phonesia Machado-Fore in Dillon County, and that Jaremy Smith is a “person of interest” in her death."
Thankfully, Jaremy (sic) was apprehended late last week - an unfortunate example of the human cost of 'justice reform.'
David Thompson: Yes, But Where Are My Novelty Breasts?
The one in which David investigates the demands of a man who is in prison for sexually assaulting a child:
"Despite this seemingly intermittent maleness, Mr Sonia has launched a lawsuit against staff at both the Washington Department of Corrections and his previous male prison, citing “cruel and unusual punishment.” Specifically, a failure to provide, at taxpayer expense, “breast augmentation” and “hair removal of the face, neck and jaw,” which is, we’re told, of “paramount importance.” And a lack of which allegedly results in “severe emotional anguish."
I didn't excerpt the lead into this passage for a reason. This one is dark.
Important Sports News!
March Madness: has arrived.
March Madness is here! You can tell by the March Madness themed cover art!
Did you do the joke where, after the first tip off you say "WELP, my bracket is BUSTED :-)~~~~". Probably not, since you're a sophisticated reader of Flappr and only assholes make that joke.
Now, as for my thoughts on the tourney thus far, I finished this blog around noon on Thursday and the first games have barely started. I'm not planning on updating this section tomorrow and I don't remember what team I picked to win.
So, in lieu of my commentary, I thought I'd share this gif of cheerleaders in honor of Women's History Month.
You're welcome, women.
Justin Fields: is a Pittsburgh Steeler
Justin Fields is no longer a Chicago Bear after the team traded him to the Pittsburgh Steelers for a conditional 2025 6th-round draft pick that can turn into a 4th-round pick if Fields plays more than 50% of the snaps this year.
Now, if you had listened to local sports talk radio/podcasts in Chicago this offseason you would've thought Justin Fields had just come off of Patrick Mahomes 50 touchdown season in 2018. People around here really thought this kid was something other than a capable runner who was far too inconsistent in the passing game (especially on third downs, in the red zone, and in the fourth quarter).
I listened to one podcast this week where the hosts sounded like they were on the verge of tears. They literally said things like "[Bears GM] Ryan Poles had a fiduciary duty to do everything in his power to make Justin Fields a success" and they can "never forgive Poles for sabotaging Justin's career". Bears fans have an opportunity to draft Caleb Williams (note: I do not like Caleb Williams because he paints his nails, but I am willing to give him a chance) and this is how we react. We're the dumbest fanbase alive and we deserve the misery we endure. It's almost as funny as it is sad.
I must admit that even a Fields-skeptic like myself was shocked by the return he brought via trade. The Steelers got more for Kenny Pickett. The Patriots fared better in their trade of Mac Jones to Jacksonville. The Falcons got more in return for return for Desmond Ritter and the Redskins got more value for Sam Howell.
Justin Fields is better than all of the above, but the NFL is one of the last meritocracies left in this country. The other 31 teams in the league had a chance to acquire him (for very little, as it were!), but they watched his tape and judged his play accordingly.
After trading two first-round picks to move up to draft him, 40 career starts, 11 wins, 29 losses, some highlight runs, lowlight passes, and much kvetching from the fanbase, the Justin Fields era in Chicago has ended. Oh well.
Dammit, John Kruk, what kind of question was that? A couple of weeks back, I shared with you how I don't particularly appreciate seeing masculine men cry in response to Jason Kelce losing his composure while announcing his retirement. It makes me very emotional!
And Kelce was only crying over deciding not to play football anymore! Stott crying over his 4-month-old daughter is 100000x more wholesome and poignant. What the fuck was John Kruk thinking when he asked Stott "[i]s the best feeling you've ever felt in your life was when she squeezed your finger for the first time?". The man is a 26-year-old first-time father - of course, he was going to cry.
Fuck, now I'm thinking about my kids and how much I love them. Ahhh fuck, now I'm remembering I heard my daughter cry for the first time and experienced a literal jolt through my entire body. Ahhh fuck, now I'm thinking about how at that moment I felt like the boy inside of me died, was replaced with a man, and how I would do literally anything to protect these little (figurative) bastards from harm.
Happy now, Kruk? What an asshole. Bryson Stott is my new favorite player.
Shohei Ohtani signs 10-year, $700-million-dollar deal with the Dodgers and suddenly the team comes down with a case of yellow fever. Coincidence?!?
If I were a betting man, I would short the Dodgers chances to win the World Series this year. Just look at them, these boys were crippled by horniness after seeing just one toned South Korean-Keister in yoga. Do you really think they'll be able to handle the pressure of October baseball? Me thinks not.
For fuck's sake, fellas, act like you've been there before.
UPDATE: after writing this, news dropped about Shohei being implicated in a gambling scandal. The story is confusing and involves a Japanese translator with difficult-to-spell Japanese names. I don't have the energy to add a whole new section, so you'll have to read about it elsewhere.
Losing the Super Bowl must suck. But for Flappr's All-American Boy, Brock Prudy, it probably sucked somewhat less because he has his supportive significant other (and now wife) Jenna there to help shoulder his burden.
Jenna, who was clad in a sundress when Purdy proposed to her last year, made the brilliant strategic decision to hold their wedding after the Super Bowl. If Brock had won, their nuptials would've been icing on the proverbial wedding cake. Given that Brock lost, the union of their two families instead served as the perfect distraction from the disappointment over how his season ended. A total win-win. Inspiring, top-tier wifey stuff.
Purdy's recent wedding and presumptive consummation of his marriage has led some to question whether the All-American Boy should henceforth be referred to as the 'All-American Man'. I have given such inquiries much consideration and have decided that no, Brock will remain the All-American Boy because . . . look at him, he's the fucking All-American Boy; however, upon such time when Brock becomes a father I do promise to revisit this matter for further consideration.
Congrats, Brock and Jenna. Sorry for talking about you guys having sex n' stuff.
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):
My man, Clement (who writes most of the booby blogs over at BSO), dropped a double feature within the same headline. Not only is he telling you to come watch 'Alisha Lehmann Show Off Insane Footballing Skills' he follows it up with why not stick around and 'Also Check Out Her Braless Thirst Trap Photos'? And buddddy, he's not lying, that's literally what's inside this blog. This is a literal BSO headline.
Do you guys see why I find these headlines so funny? They're just so matter-of-factly obscene in a way that I don't think BSO intends them to be. That's so funny to me. I'll be honest, this one almost made me spit my drink out.
I don't care if you don't like them, I'm still doing this bit every week.
Very Important Meme of the Week
Ho-lee shit. Look at those numbers. 9.9K Retweets. 99K likes. 7.4 MILLLION views!
All for a meme that makes me hate myself for not coming up with it first. It's a Sydney Sweeney meme, that's kind of our thing! I might never be able to forgive myself. It's so simple. It's so funny. It's so good.
Not sure if I could be any more jealous.
Oh, wait . . .
Oh, Mags got a "🔥😂" reply from Elon Musk? Okay, yahhh, I am more jealous now. And just in the time it took me to insert that screenshot his tweet got another thousand likes and hundred thousand views? Such a banger.
Well done, Mags, this one is a career achievement and I swear I don't secretly resent you for your success.
Some Flappr Blogs
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Wow, crazy numbers for that Magills meme. Dirty mop water that gets you drunk. Yes Guinness is trash.
I am alive.