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Very Important News!
The Spectator: Sydney Sweeney has brought boobs back
I swear on the life of my children that I don't start each week intending to write about Sydney Sweeney. But she's currently the epicenter of the cultural zeitgeist, making her impossible to ignore. As I've said before, this is Sydney Sweeney's world and the rest of us are just along for the ride.
Sydney provided further proof of my thesis by hosting SNL last Saturday and making that irrelevant the only thing people wanted to talk about. I didn't watch the episode, but clips from Sweeney's appearance dominated social media nearly this entire week. How do I know? Because Flappr was tagged about 100 times (more?) in posts that featured this Sweater-Stretching Star of the Silver Screen.
This takes us to the article by Bridget Phetasy (sm*t blogger?) from The Spectator (sm*t blog?), in which Bridget kind of restates many of the things that I've been saying for the past, give or take, 18 months: Sydney Sweeney is very pretty, Sydney Sweeney is fun, Sydney Sweeney is a throwback to the 90s era of ample-bosomed-blondes dominating pop culture. Phetasy goes on to applaud SNL's decision to have Shane Gillis host the week prior and declares that "People with broad appeal are back. Humor and boobs have returned."
I agree with Bridget! I should, given how I kind of blazed the trail on this take (not jealous that my blogs are mostly ignored while Bridget's went viral yesterday!).
I further agree with Phetasy's point that Sydney Sweeney popularity is apolitical and that "Shane Gillis doesn’t belong to the right wing any more than Sydney Sweeney does." Yet, I do think that the return of a big-boob-centric culture does signify something beyond just that 'people with broad appeal are back". To me, at least, Sydney Sweeney's World Domination Tour 2024™ represents a shift in the mood of the country. Americans are tired of pretending. Americans are tired of having to actively ignore what their eyes are telling them. Americans are tired of feeling like ass, so they're choosing boobs over butts. Americans are ready for a return to tradition and I don't know if you can call that 'right-wing' necessarily, but you can call it conservative.
Yes, the reign of Kardashian era of Titanic Turd Cutters has finally come to an end. It was killed by Sydney Sweeney, Paige Spiranac, and Abby Shapiro - who have ushered in the age of the Mammoth Mommy Milkers.
Long may it reign.
**Editor's Note**
Many people are saying that I single-handedly saved big boobs from cultural extinction and that one day a movie will be written about my previously unknown contributions to the preservation of Western Culture. Many people are saying that this movie should be titled Hidden Figures and that Ryan Gosling should play me. I am not saying this, but many people are. I appreciate the kind gestures, but I assure you that the boob-centric movement itself is more important than personal accolades. Seriously, though, so many people borrowed our shtick this week, what the fuck? A mention here or there would've been nice, you know?
Ginger Appreciation Month Continues: Lindsay Lohan
It's March, so we're running with redhead-themed cover art and celebrating smokeshows from Haplogroup R1b.
Today we honor Lindsay Lohan, whose auburn locks and foxy-freckled-feeders drove young men crazy (myself included) and helped make her into one of the most famous people on the planet back in the mid 00's.
Then Lohan started hanging out with Paris Hilton, did a bunch of drugs, got arrested, stopped getting work, and disappeared for about a decade. It was a real shame because Lohan was on a Sydney Sweeney type-trajectory before things started to fall apart.
But she went away for a while. Did the rehab thing. We didn't see or hear from her outside of a commercial appearance here and there. She married a wealthy financier. They have a baby together. She still looks amazing. She looks happy. And now she just announced that she signed on to reprise her role in an upcoming sequel to Freaky Friday with fellow big boob haver, Jamie Lee Curtis.
The movie will likely suck, but it's nice to see that Lindsay seems to be on the Drew Barrymore path towards career redemption, rather than the 'holy shit, did you see that Amanda Bynes set her dog on fire' path towards an early grave.
Kudos to you, Lindsay!
The article suggests that it's her 'toned tum', but let's be honest . . . the body part that distracting fans of the 'glam mum with the most beautiful smile' is her boobs. They're big (and possibly augmented), they're exposed and yes, they're probably a bit distracting to the causal fan of a mum with a nice smile.
Now that we've settled that brain buster, my mind wanders to a different question - how does this get written? Think about this article for a second. The story here is that an Instagram influencer (with a fairly modest number of followers) distracted her fans from her 'most beautiful smile' by posting a photo of her cleavage.
That's the whole story. It's filled with quotes from her comment section, like "While a third voiced: "Icon." Someone else shared: "Love the shirt!" Meanwhile, a fifth noted: "Gorgeous!". What the fuck is this? It's just a blog about a random IG post, from a mother of four and the Daily Star is treating it like the Royal Wedding.
My working theory is that this IG mom must have a marketing agent of some kind who pushes content to websites like the Daily Star (possibly for money). How do we get the Daily Star to give this type of treatment to Flappr? We love the Daily Star and write about their stories every week. I feel like Flappr deserves its own Daily Star article. Something like 'Cheeky bloggers declare Sydney Sweeney is a milker-equipped weapon of mass seduction; insist they're not a sm*t blog' makes sense, no?
I have a new mission. I need to make this happen.
Yeah, that's not appropriate for a water park.
I'm not sure where that bikini would be appropriate, outside of a 2000s-era rap video. Maybe Brazil? The Brazilians are kind of weird like that. Yeah, she could probably rock that G-string one-piece at Carnivale.
You can't wear that to a place where families congregate, though. The parents who woke up that morning, packed snacks, loaded up the car with towels, floaties, and goggles, and then slogged three kids to the local water park did not sign up to have to explain why this lady shaved a pineapple into her pubic region.
That's a breach of the social contract, folks!
No, save that swimwear for a trip to Brazil, or the pool at the Bellagio, or Nicki Minaj's next rap video, or whatever.
I'm going to save you the trouble of looking this up and explain how one would perform a 'thirsty hamster'.
For the uninitiated: The man lays atop the roof of a stationary car, unzips his pants, and places his penis through the sunroof to the interior of the vehicle wherein his female companion lay in wait to perform fellatio upon him.
For the unimaginative: the man's penis is like the nozzle end of a hamster-cage water bottle and the woman is positioned as such to envelope such nozzle with her mouth - in the fashion of a hamster.
For the visual learners:
To be clear, this 'sex trend' does not exist. Nobody has ever actually pulled off a 'thirsty hamster', nor would they because it's stupid and presents logistical and anatomical hurdles that may be insurmountable (i.e., better be a huge-hog-BF or have a long-neck-GF). No, the 'thirsty hamster' sits alongside the 'Nasty Sanchez', the 'Abe Lincoln', and the 'Tony Danza' on the 'list of horrific sex moves that some dude conjured up in his head one day and posted on the internet for laughs'. These are not acts that people perform on one another; they're just raunchy sex jokes concocted by juvenile men.
I should know, I was one and I read about all of these 'sex moves' back in high school. I printed off a whole list of them from our computer lab during my study period. I brought them to lunch and shared them with the fellas. Then the dean walked by, asked what we were laughing about, took the paper from my hand and I saw the color drain from his face in horror. Got a whole bunch of detention for that one! How fucking embarrassing.
My point is that these are just jokes, okay? So, don't go sticking your penis through the sunroof of your car, you know? You'll almost certainly cause extensive damage to the roof of your car and leave the encounter feeling . . . blue (double entendre).
This has been another edition of Story Time with Bart. Moving on.
The Sun: I had a boob reduction from a 30KK to a D – then they grew back bigger than ever 8 years later
If there were ever a sign from above, signifying that we've entered into an era of Honeydew Hegemony, it would be this story of a yoga teacher who butchered her all-natural-nums-nums only to have them grow back bigger.
In a different age, this might be looked upon as divine intervention. She might be called the blessed yogi with yearned-for yum-yums. Some might even view her robust, regenerating, rib cushions as sacred, throw feasts in their honor, and develop an entire new sect of Christianity with them at the epicenter.
I won't do that, though. That would be blasphemous. Heresy even. No, not me, I would never. I'm a good Catholic boy and we're in the middle of the Lenten season. No meat for me today. See you in church on Sunday, Father.
I'm just saying, someone, not me, could view this story as a sign that the big boob movement has been consecrated from the heavens and that armies of dairy devotees must be assembled to crusade against ass-loving communists. I sure hope that nobody gets that idea in their head.
Anyways, moving on . . .
Important News!
Joe Biden: Delivered the State of the Union
He was late. He started before the Speaker of the House could introduce him. He lied almost constantly (especially about the border). He mumbled a lot. He mispronounced words. He mistakenly referred to Laken Riley as USC football coach, Lincoln Riley. He mentioned his deceased children as a way to deflect personal blame.
So, all in all, it was a standard Joe Biden speech.
If I'm being honest, though, he probably exceeded the expectations of most. He was more virile than usual. Feisty, even! Grading Joe Biden's speech against a non-senile president, the average normie (not you) would give him an F. However, grading Joe Biden on the Joe Biden scale, the average normie (again, not you) would probably give him a C to C+.
I know. I know. That's not what you think and that's not what you wanted to hear, but I am just giving you my impression how what the average, low-information, voter viewed his speech. I think the data actually bears this out, as according to **shudders** CNN:
"Before the speech, 51% of independents expressed at least some confidence in Biden’s ability to carry out his duties, and that rose to 68% among the same group of independents after the speech."
As I was saying . . . he passed the very low bar that he has set for himself. But will that matter in the long run? Probably not, since there's a long time between now and election day and it's highly that he likely will fall and/or say something real stupid before then.
Katie Britt: delivered the GOP response; is America's hot soccer mom
I like Katie Britt. She's beautiful and the epitome of wifey material. She had some good lines in her response to the State of the Union. I thought it was a good idea to film it from her kitchen.
All that being said . . . ehhhhhh, her overall performance was a bit over the top. She came across as a bit of a "theater-kid" with her delivery. I think it would've been more effective if she was a bit more steely-eyed and less emotional. Remember, people are dumb and they aren't paying to the actual words. They just want to like the person they're watching, and I think Britt came across as bit 'extra' as the kids would say.
I'm still a big fan! I want more of her on the national stage! I'm just trying to be honest! I also hope that her 6-foot 8-inch, 300 Lb husband, Wesley Britt, who played offensive line for the Patriots, doesn't read this and kick my ass.
We're big fans, Wesley! We promise.
National Review: Nikki Haley Overperformed, but There Was No Beating Trump
The one in which National Review eulogizes the campaign of Namrata 'Nikki' Haley:
"She got the one-on-one contest against Donald Trump that the other candidates were hoping for, but it was a mismatch. She won about 40 percent in New Hampshire and South Carolina, early states that were favorable territory for her where she was able to devote considerable time and resources. . . . But she got wiped out in most of the Super Tuesday states yesterday, ending any pretense that she had a path to the nomination.
There was probably no beating Donald Trump this year, certainly not after the indictments. He has pulled off a near-sweep of Republican primaries and caucuses that is unprecedented in a race without a sitting president, although, given how he’s defined away his 2020 loss, Trump was a quasi-incumbent in the race."
Haley is probably the only candidate from the 2024 GOP Primary that I ended up liking less than I did before they started. She was shrill on the debate stage. She offered no new ideas. Her social media strategy was cringe. Her brand of crony-corporate-neo-conservatism is soooo 2004. I'm actually kind of shocked she garnered as many votes as she did.
But she did get a non-insignificant number of votes. About 34% of votes that were cast on Super Tuesday. That's not nothing. That's something. And it's enough of something that Donald Trump should consider taking steps to solidify traditional Republican voters who may be disaffected by Trump. The least palatable outcome of the 2024 election would be one where Trump loses to Biden because Nikki Haley voters choose to stay home.
Over 1,000 pages to this bill after GOP leaders in the house had promised to pass 12 individual appropriation bills. What's in the bill? Who the fuck knows! What's not in the bill? Anything that would close our southern border.
I don't envy the difficult job that Mike Johnson has to perform, but that doesn't mean I respect all of the compromises he's made in his brief time as speaker.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Sunday: Poolside; and CNN Suffers Psychiatric Crisis After Unanimous Supreme Court Slaps Down Colorado’s Election-Rigging Scheme
The one in which Robert Stacey McCain reports on CNN's reaction to Trump's 9-0 Supreme Court victory over the Colorado Secretary of State:
"To summarize: “We have to rig the election by keeping the Republican nominee off the ballot because otherwise, ‘democracy’ will be endangered.” Or words to that effect — they engage in a lot of rhetoric about Trump being guilty of “insurrection” to conceal their actual meaning. Truly, they are “fake news.” Never have their roles as “Democratic Operatives With Bylines” been more obvious.”
You know, one could look at a 9-0 SCOTUS ruling and conclude “Hey that must mean the court, filled with varying legal minds, really thought an issue violated the constitution . . . glad they cleared that up!” But alas, we live in a time where our media, on both sides, spends its resources painting a picture that its audiences want to hear, rather than one that will inform them.
Accordingly, there are a lot of very angry and disappointed Rachel Maddow viewers out there this week, who had been assured that the Colorado ballot case had sound legal footing and might be the mechanism by which Orange Mussolini might finally be defeated. Those same people are now demanding the court be destroyed. Those same people will be the ones stalking justices outside their homes. Those same people are the type to self-immolate over foreign wars.
Let's hope that they do.
David Thompson: A Man In Uniform
The one in which David shares a video from a Lt. Colonel from the Space Force, who offered a lecture on decorum (while being a man dressed as a woman):
"a man pretending to be a woman – invoking “dignity and respect,” while peevishly insulting his audience by insisting that they should also aspire to pretense – by which I mean habitual dishonesty – that they should abandon probity, disregard the evidence staring them in the face, and become cowed, cartoonish, and absurd. Lest they be denounced as bad people."
David Thompson is British, so whenever I read his brilliant prose, I can't help but do so in the voice of Douglas Murray. I mean this as a compliment. That passage was wonderfully written.
Important Sports News!
Jason Kelce: cried during his retirement presser; made me sad.
I don't like seeing masculine men cry. If I see them cry, I know that whatever they're talking about is heavy and makes me very emotional. Sometimes, I might even cry myself.
Jason Kelce was one of the best offensive linemen of his generation. He seemed to get better with age. He revolutionized football by being so dominant in the trenches that he would catalyze the 'tush push' at age 34.
He won a Super Bowl (and should've won two). He wore a crazy outfit to the parade after they won and delivered an all-time speech to the crowd. Kelce is a rare athlete that an entire city adopts as their own and then holds other athletes in that city to his standard. He did this in Philadelphia, a city where the fans are renowned for being total misanthropic assholes.
Oh, and he's one of the best dudes ever. From NBCSports:
"Eagles trainer Joe O’Pella wrote on social media that he had been taping Kelce’s ankles every game for years. But O’Pella missed the final game of Kelce’s career, the playoff loss in Tampa because he was getting chemotherapy. So Kelce asked O’Pella to be the last person to tape his ankles as an Eagle, and do it before his retirement speech."
Jason is my preferred Kelce brother and now he's retired.
Congrats on a career well played, Jason.
Matt Rempe: is the NHL's next great enforcer.
Once upon a time, NHL enforcers stood guard, fists at the ready, prepared to defend their teammates and/or to provide the team with a spark of momentum. Their names echoed through arenas like war cries: Bob Probert, Dave “The Hammer” Schultz, and Tie Domi—men who wore scars like badges of courage.
But today, the NHL enforcer has become scarce. The game has shifted. The rules have been changed. The game now favors speed, skill, and finesse over brawn. The enforcers, once revered, now find themselves on the fringes, battling for roster spots more so than each other.
Enter Matt Rempe, a 21-year-old, 6-foot 8-inch sasquatch of a man, from Calgary, Alberta. Rempe’s debut for the New York Rangers unfolded outdoors, under the open sky of MetLife Stadium, where Rempe proceeded to get in his first NHL fight on his first shift, just 1 minute into the game. In his third game with the Rangers, Rempe bloodied New Jersey Devils’ forward Nathan Bastian with a vicious check and received a game misconduct 13 seconds into his first shift. In his next game, Rempe dropped the gloves again with the Philadelphia Flyers’ Nicolas Deslauriers, where the two enforcers traded blows for a minute straight. Rempe scored his first goal in this game (the game-winner) after a puck hit him and bounced into the net.
Since then, Rempe has gotten into two more fights and has racked up 38 penalty minutes in 8 total games (he’s accumulated nearly as many penalty minutes as he’s had ice time).
Rempe does not have great hands, he’s not a great skater and he’s unlikely to score many points in the NHL. In other words, Rempe will never be mistaken for Connor McDavid, but he’s fearless and fun to watch. He’s a throwback to when hockey had more of an edge and he’s worth following if you’re into the sport.
I trust Paige's word when she says "I would never steer you in the wrong direction', but I don't like the sound of this move. I don't see the value in it for Paige. Sports Illustrated is a carcass of its former self and the Swimsuit Edition has been polluted by men pretending to be women men and a plethora of non-standard-bearing models. The only headlines Sports Illustrated makes these days are when they announce bankruptcy or their selection of the first ever 400 Lb non-binary BIPOC as the cover of their magazine.
I mean this literally - the brand Paige Spiranac has built for herself is worth more than Sports Illustrated in 2024. I cannot see what value Sports Illustrated can bring to Paige that she cannot generate herself with an iPhone and Instagram post.
The only potential I can see for this collaboration is ownership of Sports Illustrated being given to Paige and her making the magazine worth reading again.
I worry about this news. Paige is usually smart about her career choices, though, and deserves the benefit of the doubt. So, I'll remain in wait-and-see mode.
NY Post: Jordan Poyer’s model wife, Rachel Bush, doesn’t ‘have the words yet’ after his Bills release
A supportive significant other ("SSO") lives and dies with the man she significantly supports. She feels the thrill of victory when he wins. She feels the pang of misery when he loses. She feels the shock of betrayal when he's cut from the team he's spent the majority of his career with.
I'm guessing that this is why Rachel Bush, wife and SSO of Jordan Poyer, is still struggling to process the news that the Buffalo Bills cut her husband after seven years with the club. Bush took to Instagram and shared her support for Jordan over several posts:
"Right now I just want my husband to know what a leader and inspiration he is. The impact he made will always be remembered. Both within the football world and outside as well. You into Buffalo and gave the city something they were longing for. Changed the culture. You’re special my love and what you have done is such an accomplishment. A true game changer!!”
Ladies, , , , that's some real SSO-type shit right there. The NFL can be a cruel business, but if you have a ride-or-die SSO like Rachel Bush, it must make the downtimes that much more bearable.
Black Sports Online: Volleyball Star Kayla Simmons Squeezes Her ‘Goodies’ Into A Very Tiny Outfit While Posing For Mirror Selfies
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):
Yes, that's 'Volleyball Star Kayla Simmons' and she does appear to be squeezing 'her goodies' into a 'very tiny outfit' while 'posing for mirror selfies".
Final Rating: this is a very literal BSO headline.
You know, I love Clement, the guy responsible for writing most of the boobie blogs over at BSO, but I think he can do better than calling them 'goodies'. It's beneath him and the 'goodies' he so tirelessly documents.
Mr. Clement, if you read this, please review Flappr's Manual of Mammary Related Metonyms for more creative euphemisms for boobs, breasts, and bosoms! We're not trying to criticize your work, but we believe your readers would benefit from illustrative terms like Big Natural Shoulder Boulders and Decadent Danish Disco-Balls! Feel free to poach a few! It would be our honor!
Very Important Meme of the Week
This week's top meme honors go to @magills_ for this meme on a subject that I didn't get a chance to cover in the news section above.
Essentially, New York Governor, Kathy Hochul, has deployed a force of nearly 1,000 National Guard members, state police, and transit officers to help combat ongoing violent crime taking place in New York City subways.
This is particularly galling and hilarious because libtards at the New York Times previously had a total freakout (and got some of their co-workers fired) over an Op-ed written by Senator Tom Cotton that suggested President Trump . . . deploy the National Guard to quell the violent George Floyd/BLM riots of 2020. Writers at the Times suggested that publishing Cotton's thoughts put the lives of black employees in literal physical danger. What fucking idiots.
No word on whether they still feel that way, given that Hochul is a Democrat.
Anyways, this meme from @magills_ perfectly captures the decay taking place in America's urban centers and takes home our meme of the week.
Some Flappr Blogs
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As a guy who pays homage to Marilyn Lange every morning, I appreciate your love of the great American bosom and the use of alliteration, two of my favorite things in the whole wide world. Thanks!
Thank you for informing us on why my cars roof is now dented and the lack of ability of my son to explain why it got like that.