top of page
Writer's picturebartleby

Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects - 7.19.24

It’s news. It’s sports. It’s commentary on weird shit from around the internet.


It’s Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects, our weekly digest of curated links designed to keep you abreast of very important news!


We will deliver T.I.T.S. (a coincidental acronym) to your inbox every Friday if you subscribe to our blog!

 
Very Important Trump Was Shot!

Hooooooooooooo boy.


We came within inches on Saturday of waking up on Sunday to a vastly different world. We can within a providential Donald Trump head turn from the United States descending into electoral chaos, social unrest, and perhaps much worse.



Donald Trump is lucky. We are lucky. The world is lucky that the little (probably Marxist) soyjak perched atop that (inexplicably unsecured) roof couldn't control his breathing and pull his shots just enough to miss his target - Donald Trump's head.


I am lucky that this happened on Saturday because if this had happened on Thursday, last Friday's blog would've been filled with some very incendiary shit that would've been difficult for me to walk back.


Though not as MAGA as some of you, I was incredibly moved by what transpired in Butler, PA. What we saw on that stage was horrifying and tragic, but also inspiring. The Donald, wounded and undoubtedly shaken, rose to his feet amongst a pile of Secret Service officers, and as they attempted to usher him from the stage - he told them to "wait". Trump, with a chunk missing from his ear and blood streaked across his cheek, threw up a defiant fist and encouraged his followers to "fight" - a battle cry he repeated three times. Somehow, despite the chaos surrounding him, Donald Trump met the moment and led his people. I admit that watching Trump in these moments made me emotional (didn't cry; not gay). It felt different. We haven't seen that type of masculinity from an American leader since, perhaps, George W. Bush in the days following 9/11. Trump's courage under fire was gripping, toxically masculine even, and represents the unrelenting intrepidness of the American spirit. The photos that emerged are nothing less than iconic and will be remembered for generations to come:



Tragically, not everyone in attendance was so lucky. 50-year-old firefighter, Corey Comperatore, was struck by the assassin's bullet and died protecting his daughters. Comperatore's daughter shared a touching tribute to her father on Facebook, calling him "the best dad a girl could ever ask for". Corey Comperatore was taken from us too soon, but he had already won the game. Rest in peace, Mr. Comperatore (click here to donate to a GoFundMe for his family).


I'm not sure where we go from here. Trump was already the favorite to win the election, and I suppose this tragedy helped his prospects in November. The Dems and their corporate media allies, who have spent years trying to radicalize libtards into believing that Trump is LITERALLY Orange Hitler, will not stop. Though I must admit that it was amusing to see so many of these same people wishing Literal Orange Hitler a speedy recovery in the hours that followed. If one believed that Donald Trump posed such a threat to "MuH DeMoCrAcy", then the logical conclusion to such belief would be . . . ending the threat, no? Ponderous.


I will not even attempt to piece together the incompetence (or worse) of the Secret Service. I will, however, pray that Trump supporters possess the wisdom to realize that retaliation would be wholesale suicide. I pray for Donald Trump's safety. I pray that Donald Trump appreciates the magnitude of what almost happened and that it provides him with new insights into how to govern and unite our fractured polity. I pray Americans view Saturday's tragedy as a wake-up call to how far down the road to ruin we currently find ourselves. Because we are teetering on this cliff and came within a head turn from getting pushed off.


Very Important News!



I have to admit . . . it's hard for me to go from "Hey, we came insanely close to watching Donald Trump's head blown off" to "ha ha boobs" while writing this week's blog. So, we'll ease into this transition with a story about Kanye West's ex-girlfriend and current adult performer, rapper, MAGA Influencer, and RNC speechgiver, Amber Rose.


So, let's get a few things out of the way. Forehead tattoo aside, she's a beautiful, very shapely, woman. She's a mother of two! A MAGA MILF with Massive Mulatto Milkers, as it were! So, yeah, there's that . . . fascinating.


Now would I invite her to speak at the Republican National Convention? No, I would not, but I will not pretend that I don't understand what the GOP was trying to achieve. This is Donald Trump's big tent GOP. He's watered down the GOP platform into something considerably more centrist. He's trying to reach voters that the Republican Party has ignored for my entire life. Will it work? Probably not. The bet here is that your average conservative has grown accepting, or at least tolerant of, someone with fairly incompatible values so long as they share the same political goals. I think that was a poor bet and this was the wrong kind of outreach. She does p*rn, you know?


All that being said, she gave an impressive speech:



Amber Rose is eloquent and charismatic. She told a story familiar to many Republican converts. She told a story about how her dad challenged her preconceived notions about Trump and politics. She extended her hand, perfectly manicured with extremely long exotic nails, to the urban community and let them know what they've learned about Donald Trump is bullshit. I am happy Amber Rose has become a Republican. She delivered a speech worth watching, I'm just not sure she had it to be at the RNC.




**stops typing**


**picks up phone**


**texts orgasm health benefits link to Mrs. Bart**


Well, well, well . . . look who's years of trying to convince women of the palliative benefits of consistent, vigorous, intercourse has finally been proven correct.


According to researchers out of Switzerland, orgasms "trigger the release of 'feel-good' hormones such as oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine" and can "help women with stress". Moreover, research suggests that your average toe-curler serves as a natural pain reliever, serving up the "equivalent effect of 10mg of morphine." If that wasn't enough, having routine, transcendent la petite mort, can also help boost your immune system, clear congested nasal passages, help you sleep better, sharpen your memory, prevent heart disease AND strengthen your pelvic floor!



CAN'T YOU SEE!? WE JUST WANT TO STRENGTHEN YOUR PELVIC FLOORS! So sorry for trying to help prevent early onset incontinence, ladies. Forgive us for trying to help you prevent heart disease! How rude of us!?!


I do not know where to even begin with how great this research is for men. It eviscerates all of the most commonly deployed excuses as to why women are 'not in the mood' for sex. What's that? You have a headache? Good news, according to research, we have 10mg of morphine between our legs.



What's wrong, babe, you're tired? Well, science says that 5 minutes (ok, 3 minutes) of horizontal hokey will help you sleep better. Oh, your memory is dull and you don't know where you are? Mr. Biden, please put your pants back on.



It's so over for you, ladies. We've cracked the code. All we gotta do is make sure you reach climax during every encounter, which we're sure you do because you'd never pretend otherwise. Heh. Yep.






For many men, going to Hooters for the first time was a rite of passage. You planned for it all week. You made sure nobody told their parents. You coated yourself in Axe Body Spray. You tried to play it cool; pretend like you had been there before. You scolded your creepy friend for staring. You said things like "The wings are good, I'd come here regardless of the hot chicks" to convince yourself that you were not a pervert. You'd plan out some awkward banter to deploy on Wanda, your Waitress with Wanton Tongue-Waggers, only to go catatonic before she finished explaining the specials. You would grossly overtip her because she drew a heart on your bill. You'd leave convinced that she wanted to bang.



This was the Hooters of my youth. This Hooters no longer exists. So while I do feel bad for these women who lost their jobs, I shed no tears for the pretenders parading around in Hooters' skin as they spiral toward bankruptcy. Hooters is a dead brand and has been for years. The restaurant was put to rest by progressive executives who attempted to shed its "regressive" brand by desecrating the iconic Hooter's waitress uniform in 2022 to comply with "modern times".


But the company had already lost its way by this point, lowering its hiring standards, no longer attracting the best, not-so-brightest, but busiest, talent. To my memory, the cup size of your average Hooters waitress in the Chicagoland area started to decline as far back as the early oughts. This led many, including my 18-year-old self, to take our business elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, All Milkers Matter, but if you call yourself "Hooters", then the staff should have impressive ones! That's the whole theme of the restaurant! If someone opened a comparable restaurant named "Stingers", staffed by flat-chested servers, I would be on board! The concept would likely fail, but would at least be logically consistent!



It would appear that the ruinous effects of Bidenomics were the final nail in the coffin for Hooters. Are you fucking happy now, Joe? You made the Hooters waitresses sad you kid sniffing monster! Where is the "inflation reducing" promised by the Inflation Reduction Act? What about all that JOB CREATION you keep touting (mostly jobs recovered from COVID and new taxpayer-funded government jobs)? By the looks of it, these single moms will have to start giving a different kind of "job" (blow and/or hand) to feed their families! We live in dark, sad, times.


Thank you for taking this trip down Mammary Lane with me.


 
Regular News!

JD Vance: is probably the next Vice President of the United States.



On Monday, Trump picked the VP that most had expected him to choose - United States Senator, James David (J.D.) Vance from Ohio. Vance is most well-known for writing Hillbilly Elegy, a book about growing up poor in Appalachia. He was a once vocal critic of Donald Trump (many were!) and said some pretty heinous shit about him, like calling then-candidate Trump "America's Hitler" back in 2016 (woooof).


Then Vance started to see how Trump governed and says he changed his mind. That's not an uncommon journey. That is, more or less, my journey, to be honest. Vance, who served in Iraq before graduating from Ohio State University and Yale Law School, is incredibly articulate, affable, and sure-footed, and will be a terrific salesman for the policies of a potential second Trump administration. Vance has a chance to advocate for Trump's ideas in a way that Trump often struggled with.



To my mind, the more interesting angle to Vance's selection is what it means for the future of the Republican Party. Vance was not chosen for his ability to expand the voter base (if Trump was looking for that, he would've chosen Rubio or Youngkin). No, Trump picked J.D. Vance because he must feel confident in his electoral prospects and Trumpism needs a viable successor and J.D. Vance is the most populist amongst the finalists. J.D. Vance is more isolationist than the conservative establishment and more economically protectionist than the conservative establishment.


So, depending on how you feel about these ideas, Vance was either a great pick or a terrible one. To me, it's certainly not a terrible pick. Trump needs someone who can articulate his policy intent to the masses and Vance is that guy. Vance is also 39 years old - it's refreshing to see a baton passing to a new generation (my generation). Whether or not I think Vance should end up as the future of the GOP is a story that remains to be written. I would encourage all Republicans to resist the urge to cast aside Ron DeSantis - who remains the best fusion of traditional conservative principles and populist victories at the executive level.


Either way, I am excited to see what J.D. Vance can do. He's an impressive guy. He has a beard, making him the first vice presidential candidate to sport a full beard since William H. English in 1880. How about that?



For thoughts on Bob Menendez's conviction, please read Flappr Chief Legal Correspondent, Jarvis Best, in Torts Illustrated - Menendez Did Nothing Wrong



The one in which Robert Stacy McCain shares news of the latest bullet dodged by Donald Trump:


"The man is stacking up W’s like nobody’s business. First, he wins the early debate that Team Biden demanded, then sits back and watches for two weeks while Democrats tear their party apart in an ultimately doomed effort to kick Sleepy Joe off the ticket. Then on Saturday, he survives an assassination attempt, and by Monday, the situation is so dire for Democrats that MSNBC decides it’s not safe to let “Morning Joe” on the airwaves. Next, a poll comes out showing Trump leading every single swing state (and this was a poll taken before the assassination attempt), and right on the heels of that, the judge in the Mar-a-Lago documents case throws it out on constitutional grounds."


Oh yeah, almost forgot about the document case getting thrown out. This case will be appealed, but Judge Cannon read Clarence Thomas' recent dissent in the presidential immunity case and decided that he was right - the appointments clause of the Constitution required the Senate to have confirmed Jack Smith as special counsel, which they did not do, making his existence unconstitutional.


You do have to wonder how lucky one man can be.



Trump serendipitously moved his head at the exact moment to avoid an assassin's bullet. He rises and gets an all-time GigaChad photo for his efforts. It almost feels like Trump has plot armor. Less than 48 hours later, a judge throws out the case with the most merit against him. Would not be shocked if he wakes up and discovers his hog grew three inches overnight - dude is on a heater.


David Thompson: Display Purposes


The one where David shares excerpts from a progressive lady intent on oversharing personal stories of being naked around the house:


"My pregnancies with my two delicious sons, who are now 11 and 8, did a number on my body. My adorable innie belly button is long gone, replaced instead with a herniated beak. My once flat (or flatish) stomach has been replaced by rolls and a lovely (not so little) C-section-induced FUPA. I hold my weight now in my hips and upper legs, and my large breasts have not defied gravity in the slightest. All this to say, I have far from the perfect body. Which is exactly why I walk around naked."


And people call Flappr a "sm*t blog".


It is startling to see a woman refer to her own fat upper pussy area as a FUPA. The only time I've ever heard that term used was during school, used about the FUPA of a particularly irascible teacher. Didn't even know you broads knew about that term. Hmph. Someone spilled the beans.



 
Sports! Sports! Sports!

Mount Rushmore of QBs from the 2000s



Since there are no sports worth watching (baseball is boring; soccer is European), I make lists during this time of year. This week, we're going to look at the best four QBs from the last 25 years! Why not? These are always fun. Let's go.


Tom Brady



No brainer here, right? He makes my Mount Rushmore on sex appeal alone. That jawline. The perfect, blinding white, smile. His soft, JD Vance-esque, blue eyes. His expertly restored hair. He's gorgeous. No, I am not gay. I'm just so non-gay that I can be honest when a man is attractive. You're the gay one. Not me.


Oh yeah, he also won 7 Super Bowls during this period, broke the record for most career passing yards (91,653), most completions (8,542), most touchdown passes (664), and most games started (344) by a quarterback. So yeah. The GOAT.


Peyton Manning



Peyton Manning was so good that in 2009, Bill Belichick, the greatest coach of all time, chose to go for it on fourth down from his own 28-yard line while leading the Colts 34-28 with two minutes left. BB did this because he knew that if he punted, Peyton was going to score and drain to clock in the process - effectively ending the game. The Patriots didn't get the first down. Manning threw a TD and the Colts won.


Manning was a general on the field but is not nearly as sexually attractive as Tom Brady. Frankly, Peyton is kind of odd-looking. His neck is freakishly long. His forehead puts Angela Belcamino to shame. Not that any of this matters, but I figure it was worth sharing as a contrast to how hot Tom Brady is.


Aaron Rodgers (NYJ Version Only)



Aaron Rodgers has become a much cooler dude since joining the New York Jets. Sure, he only attempted one pass last year (an incompletion) before tearing his Achilles tendon and torpedoing the Jets' season - but he's often quoted in the media saying things that I agree with, like calling Joe Biden's administration "the fake White House" and sarcastically calling Biden "the most popular president in history” before adding that he is also the "best at talking" and "walking up stairs”.

Rodgers was also one of the only high-profile people in America who was willing to speak out on behalf of people who did not believe they needed to get vaccinated. He did this at a time when our corporate media was intent on trying to ruin such people's lives. That took some balls and his reputation amongst Libtard sports journos has never recovered.


These quotes are more entertaining and accurate than things he said while quarterbacking some other team, which I cannot remember. Whichever that team was, I hope they drown in a vat of melted Limburger. I still have never recovered from the 2010 NFC Title Game against them, where that unknown team knocked out Jay Cutler, beat the Bears, and then went on to win the Super Bowl. That team has ruined my life for decades. Fuck that other team.


For what it's worth, Rodgers has become much sexier (though not as sexy as Brady) since joining the Jets. He's grown a mustache and adopted this sort of weird hippy cowboy vibe that many women find intoxicating.


Patrick Mahomes



I do not like Patrick Mahomes. He is not a traditionally handsome man (way less sexy than Tom Brady). His voice is squeaky, raspy, and off-putting. His hair is strange and I do not like it.


I root against Mahomes and the Chiefs every Sunday, but dammit, this dude is an inevitability on the field. He just wins. Whatever needs to be done, he finds a way. He cannot be stopped (except for two losses to Brady in the playoffs). If you bet against him, you're a fucking idiot (me, I'm talking about myself). Mahomes has played six seasons and has led the Chiefs to six AFC Title Game appearances. He already ranks third in playoff wins and Super Bowl titles. He's a six-time pro bowler and two-time MVP. He is only 28 years old.


Patrick Mahomes is kind of a pleasant guy off the field. He is Christian. He married his high school sweetheart. She's an SSO who wears sundresses. They have sex with each other - two kids, with a third on the way. He seems like a good dad. The most hatable thing about Patrick Mahomes might be that he's very hard to hate.




Bronny James is 19 years old. He played one medically shortened season at USC, where he averaged 4.8 points per game on 36% shooting. He probably should've stayed in college and continued to work on his game, but his dad is LeBron James - so he was drafted by the Los Angeles Lakers after his agent threatened all other teams against drafting him. The Lakers gave Bronny a guaranteed four-year, $7.9 million contract, pretty much unheard of for second-round draft picks that typically have to scratch and claw to even make a roster.


Predictably, Bronny is struggling in the NBA Summer League. Through his first four games, James shot just 7 of 31 (22.5%) shots, including 0 for 15 from 3-point range (4.2 ppg). Clips of him getting cooked on defense have started going viral:



Bronny is not struggling against isn't against the Boston Celtics or Denver Nuggets, he is struggling against guys who were recently drafted, went undrafted, or have struggled to make NBA rosters. Most of the guys he's playing against will not even be in the league next year. Now you have Jaylen Brown getting caught saying what every NBA player is thinking, privately - Bronny "isn't a pro".


It's humiliating and despite hating LeBron, I feel bad for Bronny. This kid already had impossible expectations to match and LeBron power flexing on the league to give his son special treatment put a very big target on his back. LeBron should've known better - he wasn't hiring his son to an undeserved VP position at a carpet manufacturer, he had him drafted to one of the most highly visible teams in sports.


Sometimes the right thing to do is also the hard thing to do - be honest and objective about your child's limitations. This is where a good father levels with his child and protects him from himself. "No, son, you're not ready and if you fail, your failures won't be viewed like the failure of an average NBA second-round pick. I would love to play with you next year, but your game needs development and you probably don't deserve to make an NBA roster. Go back to college and we'll reassess next year." That's what LeBron should've told Bronny. He didn't. The evidence suggests that he's probably just a bad father.



Sad!




Hate to sound like a broken record, folks, but Paul Skenes and Olivia Dunne are currently America's sweethearts.


Dunne just deployed her first custom-made shirt that features her boyfriend's name. I love that shit. I do. That's ride-or-die SSO behavior. This extra effort, this type of "I'm proud of my man and want to show it" mentality is what separates the elite from the merely just very good.


Olivia Dunne currently sits atop the SSO game, alongside Oliva Culpo and Kate Upton. Oh, and I guess that her boyfriend, Paul Skenes (his torso is pictured above), is pretty good at baseball too, or whatever. Good for him.




This is fucking lame. Fucking gross, even. Shame on the weird psycho who created AI-generated Paige and tried to use her likeness to trick men into . . . I'm actually not sure what their plan was. Did they think they could create fake images and get men to pay them to chat? Did they think that was going to work with a lame shit like "Baby don't try to hurt me, because I will never hurt you?" Ponderous.


For reference, this is the REAL Paige Spiranac.



Did you pass the test? Or are you a replicant?


If you fail, you need to take a hard long look in the mirror. Gooning is sad and pitiable. Gooning to AI-generated women is a level of pathetic that we haven't even begun to unwind. Do not goon to artificial women. Because of your filthiness, we must apologize on behalf of weird, creepy dudes everywhere. Sorry, Paige. We will do our best to discourage such behavior from men moving forward.



We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):



Are we witnessing a return to form from BSO? After weeks of questioning whether or not they resorted to AI-generated content, this headline feels like the very literal work for which hitherto been their trademark. Let's review.


Yes, that's Mikayla Demaiter, she is 'flaunting her massive cleavage and legs' and she is doing so while wearing an outfit that can be loosely described as 'coset and a small skirt'. I'm not 100% sure that Mikayla's top qualifies as a corset, but it's close enough. As the official omboobsman of the boobie blog-o-sphere, nothing brings me more joy to report that this is a literal BSO headline and it looks like they might be back on the right track.


 
Meme of the Week!


This week's winner comes to us from Flappr's 2021 Tin Foil Hatter of the Year Award recipient and Twitter legend, @oilfield_rando. This simple, but highly effective meme encapsulates the absurdity of Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle's explanation for why they didn't have any agents on the roof where Trump's would-be assailant fired from. If you missed it, Director Cheatle said, among making other excuses, that "there’s a safety factor that would be considered there that we wouldn’t want to put somebody up on a sloped roof. And so, the decision was made to secure the building, from inside.Ponderous.


Rando's meme went very viral. It was stolen without attribution by @elonmusk among countless others (where it garnered 60M views) and even got quote tweeted by John Daly himself:



Rando's post of the meme collected 1M Views, 2.1K RTs, and 20K likes as of publishing. Just an absolute monster tweet, very funny. Incredibly viral.


When asked for comment on his win this week, Mr. Rando offered the following:

So true! Thank you, sir. Will do!

 
Some Flappr Blogs!



4 commenti


Ospite
24 lug


Mi piace

PizzaCzar
PizzaCzar
19 lug

Yup, Trump is stacking wins like Scrooge McDuck stacking gold coins. Totally w you on Mahomes. Can’t stand him cuz he keeps beating the Dolphins. He’s definitely fun to watch and seems like a good guy.

I think I missed commenting last week. 😭

Mi piace

bartleby
bartleby
19 lug

LEAVE COMMENTS YOU HEATHENS!

Mi piace
Ospite
24 lug
Risposta a

I am, just now able to read this edition. My apologies ... been a very busy couple of weeks for me. ~~~~Angie

Mi piace
bottom of page