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Very Important News!
Pubic grooming standards is a topic that I have avoided discussing. While I led the crusade against Rupert Murdoch's hairy woman propaganda machine for over a year, that battle was against the attempt to convince women to stop shaving their legs and pits . . . but not so much their 'bits'. It would seem, however, that the time has come for us to gather and determine what constitutes acceptable bush guidelines for 2024. I do not take such discussions lightly.
Some history should help us in this pubis peregrination. The legacy of bush is a coarse, bristly, tangled web of tastes. The ancient Egyptians, for example, shaved every hair on their bodies using flint-made razors. Much like the ancient Greeks, the Romans viewed pubic hair as "fucking gross", so women of the time plucked themselves bare as a sign of high status. Then, in the Middle Ages, an untamed thicket that spread throughout the corridor of a woman's nether regions became a sign of good health. Such was the case that, in the 1450s, prostitutes would don merkins, or pubic wigs, to hide their lice-infested spinneys had been shaved.
A furry grove remained the norm throughout most of the 20th Century. "70s bush" is a term of common parlance and refers to the look Demi Moore sported before becoming famous (google at your own risk). Then something happened in the 1990s, women found their razors and started getting creative. Landing strips. Hearts. Charlie Chaplins. And, for the adventurous, lightning bolts.
This trend would not last, however, as women of the aughts began scouring the shire once more - with the Brazilian waxing industry increasing 11% each year for the past decade. The bald eagle landed and remained the peak pubic pattern until now when the NY Post proclaimed that "bush is back".
Is bush back? I don't know. To many, bush never went out of fashion. I have no desire to police the grooming habits of women, only to seek common ground - a place where men and women can operate with shared values and expectations. To that end, I think that "groomed" should be the proper standard moving forward. What 'groomed' means to a particular woman may vary, but it would, by definition, exclude untamed, overgrown, and unweeded thatches of thigh cover that often include flora invasive to the bunghole region. Unkept yards are emblematic of dilapidated, ramshackle, neighborhoods that run afoul of the broken windows theory. Nobody should have to live that way.
So that's my proposal. Wear your pubeys however you want, so long as you maintain them. You wanna trim the hedges but leave them fence height? Okay! You wanna fashion your mons pubis like a runway? You're clear for landing, cap'n!
You wanna shave a mistletoe on your mound? That's pretty spicy, but . . . ok?! You wanna raze the prairie? Eh, it's a little creepy to me, but I'm older now and this blog is already too long, so . . . whatever.
Just no Buckwheat in a leg lock, deal? Good. You're welcome, America.
According to the article, hackers took control of Sydney Sweeney's phone and Twitter account, tweeted a bunch of weird crypto shit, and then posted a photograph of a receipt online to brag about how they tampered with her account.
It brings me great sadness to report that the haters and losers, of which there are many, refuse to leave this beautiful angel alone. I am sure Ms. Sweeney feels violated by this breach of her privacy. I feel violated on her behalf! Who knows what personal information these miscreants (who appear sub-Saharan by first glance) were able to attain from Sydney's account? Who knows the type of things she direct messages her friends and followers? Maybe she uses foul language in private! That's not for anyone else to know! Maybe she sends her girlfriends candid photos of herself getting ready for galas or film premieres! Those are private photos among girlfriends! Those are not for sub-Saharan hacker eyes!
These are, unfortunately, the types of slings and arrows one must suffer when sitting atop the world. And make no mistake, Sydney Sweeney, who recently stated that she 'won't stop" doing nude scenes, has conquered our collective consciousness. Sweeney is so beloved that If Donald Trump promised to publicly execute those behind this plot, he would win 50 states come November. I fully encourage him to do so.
Regardless, Ms. Sweeney will not be bowed by this act of terrorism, not will she be broken. The Sydney Sweeney 2024 World Domination Tour continues - no sub-Saharan hacker shithead can slow this ship down.
This is the Charli lady that everyone has been talking about since the literal moment Biden announced he was dropping out on Twitter? I had never heard of her before. Then she tweets "Kamala is brat" and that hideous chartreuse album cover is all over my timeline (I've used it for a meme once or twice myself). According to this article, she's Bri'ish, quite popular among the ZOOOOOMERS and recently posted a "jaw-dropping selfie" where she "flaunts thong underwear":
Hmph . . . gotta admit, that's not bad. I'm talking about her photo composition skills, of course. It's a pretty cool photo! Look at the way she framed herself in the mirror while also getting her pink-thonged-pooper in the foreground shot. That's artistic talent. Moreover, it shows that she put thought and consideration into what she posted. I appreciate her craft. Too bad she's libtard. Oh well.
WAIT A MINUTE . . . is that Al Pacino from Heat's music?
Al Pacino from Heat, it's been a while! I love the upgraded GIF you've brought back with you! Very custom! Very immersive to the Flappr Universe! And I think we all could've guessed your opinion on that Pop-Star-Patootie. You know, you're as depraved as ever, Al Pacino from Heat, and I'm beginning to suspect that you'll never change. Come back again sometime!
Regular News!
I love when idiots like this adopt new speech dialects mid-campaign. It's ultimately harmless, but it's shameless pandering. To remind everyone - Kamala Harris is 1/2 Indian and 1/2 Jamaican. She was born in Berkeley, California, to Donald J. Harris, a Jamaican-born Marxist professor at Stanford University, and Shyamala Gopalan an Indian-born biochemist at Berkeley. In her early years, the Harris family moved around the Midwest a bit as Donald took jobs at the University of Illinois and Washington University in St. Louis before the family ended up back at Stanford.
Donald and Shyamala divorced when Kamala was seven years old, and Shyamala moved Kamala and her sister to Montreal, Quebec when Kamala was 12. She attended high school in Montreal and attended Vanier College in Montreal until she returned to Washington, D.C. to finish her degree at Howard University in 1986. Kamala then earned her law degree from the University of California College of Law, San Francisco, where she graduated in 1989. She started her career in San Francisco and lived there until she became Vice President in 2021.
I offer this brief biography to point out that Kamala Harris never lived anywhere close to the Mason-Dixon line, let alone south of it. She is as much a southern black woman as she is an astronaut - so for her to whip out that drawl, with a tinge of ghetto speak, is as laughable as it is predictable. To the media, Kamala Harris is a perfect blank canvas on which they can paint whatever they desire her to be. She's a tough-on-crime prosecutor, but she's also a progressive who said that 'we have to redirect resources' from police back in 2019. Kamala Harris is tougher on the border than Donald Trump, but is also the empathetic bleeding heart who believes that no person is illegal and said that "an undocumented immigrant is not a criminal.” Kamala Harris is the kooky, fun, wine-aunt who is totally relatable "brat", who also has the steely resolve to lead us through the most volatile geopolitical situation since the fall of the Berlin Wall.
Kamala Harris isn't human, she's an idea! She's an amalgamation of all the best things about progressivism! And with that southern drawl, you just KNOW she carries hot sauce around in her purse!
The Polls: still too early to know what's real
We're in the honeymoon stage. The media is running wild trying to prop up this goblin woman. Enthusiasm is going to be high. Some people are excited about having a new toy to play with; others are just relieved they don't have to vote for Biden. This period will continue as Harris picks her VP (almost certainly Josh Shapiro) and might continue through the convention.
The polls might start to look worse for Trump, but I do not think this mirage will last and despite it all . . . . TRUMP IS STILL WINNING RIGHT NOW. Renowned RIGHT WING pollster Nate Silver even predicts as much in his latest forecast!
So, if you already feel defeated, just stop already. Grow a spine, for fuck's sake. Stop wetting the bed and continue to do whatever it is that you do to feel more confident about your outlook on life. Trump may yet lose this election, but there is zero reason for doomerism on August 2, 2024. Chill out.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Sunday: Hangar Queen Double-Scoop Sunday!; Aspiring Rapper Update; and Issues? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Issues!
The one in which Robert Stacy McCain shares news from the mainstream media on how crazy popular Kamala Harris has become while ignoring everything else:
"There is a lot of horse-race hype — Democrats are winning, baby! They’re full of optimism! The Harris campaign is surging! What is missing, however — and you’d immediately notice this, if you tuned to MSNBC — is any discussion of the real issues facing the country."
This is going to be a continuation of the polling section above. People need to understand that we are in the midst of one of the most widespread messaging campaigns in recorded history. This is COVID-esque. A 24/7 saturation of every media apparatus with Kamala, Kamala, KAMALA! They are re-writing history right before our eyes and doing it with a big shit-eating grin on their face.
This was to be expected. This is their only play. They were never going to treat Kamala Harris the same way they treat Donald Trump. If you can't handle the gaslighting, step away from social media for a couple of weeks. It's only going to get worse; it's infuriating, designed to break your spirit and throw you into a panic. Don't let that happen. Go touch some grass. This race has a long way to go.
David Thompson: The Bollocks Is Bolted On
The one where David shares news of a radical new development in the field of race/gender/trans/Marxist studies - politically radical tableware:
This reminds me of the excellent work done by Peter Boghossian, James A. Lindsay, and Helen Pluckrose in what was called the 'grievance studies affair', wherein these three lefty-liberals joined forces to expose the rot within academia. The three adopted the pseudonym Helen Wilson and penned papers that promulgated deliberately Marxist insanity and submitted them to various peer-reviewed journals. One paper was on the rape culture of dog parks. Another was on how the penis is a "social construct". The funniest was a feminist re-wording of Mein Kampf, where Lindsay literally just re-wrote a chapter from Hitler's manifesto by swapping 'jew" for "white man". By the end of their project, 4 of the 20 papers they had submitted had been published; 3 had been accepted but not yet published and 7 were still under review. Very, very, revealing stuff.
It was a brilliant plan that was documented by filmmaker Michael Nayna in his documentary The Reformers, which I suggest you go watch and support.
The Reformers is a brilliant documentary that is tragically somehow not a Christopher Guest-style mockumentary. It's equal parts terrifying and hilarious - with the scariest part being that all this took place in 2017, and things have only gotten worse since. So yeah, racist plates and all that.
Odds and ends
Sports! Sports! Sports!
Football: is BACK!
Well, sort of! The Bears played the Texans in the Hall of Fame Game last night and basically none of the starters on either team played. No Caleb Williams debut. No C.J. Stroud. Mostly just a bunch of guys wearing NFL uniforms that few will ever wear in actual NFL regular season games. They didn't even finish the game. It was rained out. The Bears "win" 21-17. Yay.
Still fun to hear the "duh, duh, duhhhhhh" of the opening theme song on ABC! Nice to hear Joe Buck and Troy Aikman's voices again. Soothing to see the logos, the line markers, and the lush green grass. All of these are sobering reminders that summer is ending, but also that we're one week closer to NFL Sundays. Thank the heavens for that.
Oh, and we got to see what the weird new kick-off rules will look like:
Hmmm. That does look pretty fucking weird! However, I suppose it's better than what we've seen in recent years (78 percent touchbacks in 2023) and it will be exciting to see how different coaches scheme this up to their advantage. Oh well.
Go Bears.
Ilona Maher is a finely tuned 5-foot-10-inch, 200-pound, rugby-playing, killing- machine who was sent back through time to help Team USA win its first-ever medal in the sport. I did not know anything about Ms. Maher until a clip of her truck-sticking some Japanese edamame pod into Bolivian earlier this week.
Maher has 2 million followers on Instagram and has quickly become a household name during these Olympics because she's cheerful, self-deprecating, and carries the "oval ball" like Marshawn Lynch carried the rock on Sundays. Look at her go!
Apparently, Maher has also been subjected to a lot of people calling her "trans" or "fat" on the internet. I have to tell you, folks, Ilona Maher is the kind of gal you want to wed, bed, and breed NFL offensive linemen with. Whichever man is lucky enough to claim Maher for his own (which I assume would require besting her in feats of strength) will be sitting alongside her in Canton, OH, years later as all of their children are inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame. She looks like a Norse shieldmaiden warrior queen. Ignore the haters, she's cute and also just fucking won the USA a medal!
So, while Ilona Maher may not be a traditional beauty, there is still much attractiveness to be found in competency, thunderous thighs, and photogenic smile. Leave her alone, dickheads. She's an Olympic hero.
Caitlin Clark could be (should be, probably) in Paris, competing with Team USA in search of their 8th straight gold medal. Buttttt, the selection committee didn't want to upset the racist lesbians on the roster and left her off the roster. So, while the women's team blew out Japan in the LEAST attended game of the women's tournament thus far, Clark was busy sunning with the ladies in Cabo.
Good for her. As much as I kind of hate how the treatment of Caitlin Clark has become a story and cultural flashpoint - this young woman has had a pretty crazy year. She played an entire season at Iowa under intense scrutiny, broke the all-time NCAA scoring record, played the entire NCAA Tournament, lost the national championship on April 7th, was drafted by the Indiana Fever on April 15th, went straight to training camp, debuted her first WNBA game on May 14th, and played in 26 games at the highest level of women's basketball since. All of this while being at the epicenter of several rivalries and dramas.
This woman deserves a break. She's handled the pressure well, it hasn't broken her. She hasn't lashed out or gotten political. She's just played ball - and she's gotten better. After a rocky beginning to her career, she averaged 20-6-12 in July. Her shooting percentage is up, her turnovers are down. Two weeks ago, she became the first WNBA rookie to ever record a triple-double. Her team is playing better too. After starting 1-8, the Fever are now 11-15, sitting comfortably in playoff position with only 14 games left in the season.
Perhaps not making Team USA ends up being a blessing in disguise. A Mexican sojourn might be what Clark needed after the craziest year of her life. Who knows, she does look happy (and lo-key very handsome) vacationing with her teammates.
Please follow me @elderbartleby for more expert WNBA analysis.
Paige Spiranac has joined "Passes", a subscription service where she can have a "more personal relationship with her audience" and share "never-before-seen photos and videos, livestreams" and the opportunity to "chat with her directly". Basically "Passes" sounds like "OnlyFans," but with a less sleazy reputation.
**sigh**
To be clear, Paige has not indicated that she will be posting X-rated content on "Passes" and I hope that remains true. Even then, as the pre-eminent eGirl Sports Influencer analyst on the internet - I don't love this move. Part of what has elevated Paige above the fray is that she has resisted the urge for this type of association. She hasn't done OnlyFans. She hasn't removed her clothes. That's valuable - not because it creates a demand for that type of content, but because it allows her to post elite-level thirst while maintaining the ability to operate in the mainstream. Charging gooners up to $100 per month to see slightly thirstier photos and the chance to "chat with her" (but actually chat with some dude pretending to be her) feels like a comedown.
There was a better way. It would have required some investment and risk, but an eGirl sports network where the girls compete against one another would've been entertaining, profitable, and a less exploitative way to expand her brand. I guess that the "Passes" money must have been too good to pass up.
This makes me sad.
Do you know who's NOT on "Passes"? The 'world's sexiest volleyball player', grinder, and all-around underrated eGirl Sports Influencer, Kayla Simmons. No, Kayla is too busy creating elite content, like swimming with sharks while rehabbing a torn ACL, to engage in such standard-lowering endeavors.
Kayla may yet cash in on her looks and fandom, but she hasn't yet - despite having fewer alternative sources of revenue compared to Livvy Dunne and Paige - and I respect that. This is why you need Kayla Simmons-type "team first" players on your team. Kayla's grit and determination is how you win Championships. It's also why I often pair Kayla with Hall of Fame head coach, Bill Belichick, a man who I believe would appreciate her work ethic (that's a lie, I just find it really funny).
While Kayla may never unseat Paige Spiranac from atop her perch as the GOAT eGirl Sports Influencer, she can at least sleep at night that she played the game the right way. And sometimes a clear conscience is worth more than anything.
I am going to be so devastated when Kayla Simmons announces her new Passes account next week.
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):
That does appear to be Lori Harvey, who did, in fact, "put her curves in a tiny yellow bikini" while she enjoyed a "nice time at the beach". This was a very literal BSO headline. Well done, gents.
Also, did you know that Steve Harvey, the mustachioed host of Family Feud, had a 27-year-old daughter? I did not know this. She is very pretty. Good for that family.
You learn new something every day.
Meme of the Week!
This week's honors go to first-time meme of the week winner, @JohnEkdahl, for a tweet, not a meme, from last week, not this week. Yet, I had to give Mr. Ekdahl's work it's just due - and NOT because he whined about not winning last week! No, this satirical take on the typical "this just happened" type tweets you see from libtards passing along narrative-affirming occurrences that very likely DID NOT just happen, was a work of art.
This tweet not only went viral among people who understood the joke, racking up 2.8M views, 1.7K retweets, and 25K likes - it went MEGA viral among the "screenshot & repost" brigade who didn't understand the joke as well:
I saw @JohnEkdahl's tweet all over my timeline for a full week straight and every single time it was the same reaction "YEAH, SURE, THAT REALLY HAPPENED". Then, screenshots of Ekdahl's tweet from OUTSIDE of Twitter started popping up on Twitter. Users from Reddit, Facebook, and Instagram had found this tweet and had to give their take on how John's obviously fake story was, indeed, fake.
Either people are incredibly dumb and/or too lazy to click on a profile to understand the context of someone's account, or they knew it was a joke but saw this as an opportunity to farm engagement for Elon Bucks. Either way, it was persistent. It would not stop and with Ekdahl being Ekdahl, he fanned the flames, sardonically insisting this was a REAL STORY and reveling in the chaos that ensued:
So, while this tweet was posted last week on July 23, it very much carried over into this week - making it eligible for this week's meme of the week award. It still might be going on. There seems to be a non-insignificant number of people who believe that John does not exist or is a lying transvestite or something. At this point, I cannot promise you that this tweet will ever leave your feed.
I reached out to @JohnEkdahl for his reaction to winning this award and he
directed me to his "press office", the aptly named "@EkdahlPress", to obtain a comment for this blog. Here is what John's "press office" shared for publication:
What an asshole.
Thanks for teaching me of the Bolivian! 😉
In the way time has been screwed with it feels like nfl season was 3 years ago at the same time it just ended. Glad it’s back. The bush blog was funny
All the soy boys calling Ilona Maher a man or trans are too soft to handle a strong woman like that! (Not me though, Ms. Maher, if you're reading this!)