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Very Important News!
Flappr has a new enemy and he's a tubby, race-baiting, Marxist professor who appears as a tubby, race-baiting, Marxist professor panelist on CNN. Based on that alone, we already dislike this Dyson guy. Back in August, he went after Nancy Mace, Flappr's reigning Mommy Milky Division Champion, for 'mispronouncing KA-MAH-LUH Harris' name during an appearance on that shithole network:
If that wasn't enough, Dyson is also (allegedly) a horny boy. Following his abusive attack on Congresswoman Mace, the "Professor" (allegedly) begged her for photos and sent her FLIRTY TEXTS! He said her "gorgeousness" made the photos and said they "looked good together"! He added a KISSY FACE emoji! 😘 Who the FUCK does this guy think he is?!
Speaking inappropriately about Congresswoman Mace is our job, you fucking slob! And we only do it jokingly, not because we're expecting anything in return (though it would be cool if she threw her biggest supporters a Twitter follow)! Well, unfortunately, for the "Professor", Nancy Mace can be pretty ruthless and she read his disgusting, some might say HARASSING, text messages into the congressional record today, I assume just to be a dick:
Then Mace spent the better part of the evening tweeting out cruel memes about this guy. She plunged that dagger in and wouldn't stop twisting - it became uncomfortable to watch at some point. She probably should've stopped after a meme or two, if we're being honest, but whatever.
Anyways, Professor, learn to self-scout a little bit, eh? Nancy Mace is a Congressional 10 and you're a CNN 4 on a good day. If you want to make a move on a Congresswoman, lower your aim a bit, maybe slide into Rashida Tlaib or Katie Porter's DMs. Sheesh. How humiliating. Also, don't google "Nancy Mace Boobs". 😘
A couple of weeks back I reported on Heidi Klum's recent run of social media raunch and how she might be the horniest woman online. I theorized that she may be suffering from The Sweeney Effect - a condition whereby the affected attempts to go viral by exposing their bosoms in a frequent and aesthetically pleasing manner. Well, over the past two weeks, her symptoms appear to have worsened - Heidi's Gigantic West German Germknödels have been everywhere! Here is a smattering of headlines about Heidi's heavies from the last 14 days:
Ms. Klum might have the most serious case of Sweeney Effect Syndrome I've ever encountered (also the only case, since I made this up). She is baring bobs during nearly every damn day, using every milker maneuver in the book! We're talking side boob, inner boob, under boob, over boob, wet t-shirt boob, hand-bra boob - you name a boob-exposing tactic and she's deploying it.
This is a boobie-blitzkrieg unlike we've ever seen before . . . and it appears to be working. Based on my deep analytical research, google searches for "Heidi Klum Bikini" have exploded over the past month:
The evidence is clear - Klum's Kollossal Kraut Kugels are traffic-moving mammaries. I haven't seen data like this since researching the Nancy Mace Milker Effect. The results of this exploration have caused me to rethink The Sweeney Effect - perhaps it isn't a condition, but rather a strategy and a powerful one. More research on this must be conducted. I will update this blog with my findings.
Oh, good, because I do think they're going straight to hell.
What? What did you think I was going to say? Oh, it's not that bad or Ooga-booga, maybe OK if girl has milky booba? Nah, they're degenerates and they're going to straight hell! Don't pass go. Don't collect 200-dollar double-sided dildos. Straight to hell! That's all I have to say about this story or polyamory in general! It's depraved and should not encouraged by any decent, God-fearing society!
Sure, maybe one evening you and your girlfriend have a few too many, go back to her apartment, and discover that her perky roommate has also had a few too many - so you engage in some "group play" that none of you speak of ever again. A regrettable incident but understandable and nothing nearing "throupledom".
No, that's an entirely different thing altogether and the throuplers will all burn in the flames of eternal damnation for their sins. ESPECIALLY ones that make cringey TikToks that promote the throuple lifestyle. They're going burn thrice as much!
Sorry, perverts, I don't make the rules.
Daily Mail: Logan Paul's pregnant fiancée Nina Agdal, 32, poses nude on a rock as she shows off her blossoming bump
I need to be careful about what I say here because I don't want to go full Ken Bone, but here goes - Nina Agdal looks beautiful in these photos and pregnant women are beautiful. I don't mean in a weird porn-fetish sort of way, I mean that pregnant women represent peak femininity - their hair becomes lusher, their skin radiates, their breasts . . . you know. I've had the pleasure of being married to a pregnant woman before and she looked stunning during her each of her pregnancies. She may not have felt that way, in fact, I know she didn't because she told me she felt gross on a daily basis, but I thought she looked glowing and I was proud to be the man who put the bun in her oven.
Is that weird to say? I don't think it's a weird thing to say, but . . . **shrugs**
Now, I'm not so sure about this pregnancy boudoir craze that has taken hold among millennials. I suppose that there is nothing inherently wrong about taking intimate, sensual, and sometimes even erotic images during pregnancy, but in the age of social media - these photos inevitably end up being posted on Instagram and Facebook. Why not keep those intimate photos private among the parties involved? What if your child one day searches mommy's IG account and sees her sitting on a rock, wearing nothing but hand-covered boobs and a serious set of "fuck me eyes"? That could be an upsetting discovery 20 years down the road.
To me, at least, the value of such photos lies in capturing that moment in time before a woman becomes a mother. Yet, I suppose that people aren't plunking down a thousand bucks for photos that nobody will ever see. But maybe they should, because outside of Nina Agdal or Demi Moore, most of these photoshoots feel kind of cringe. Just a thought.
I'm going to regret writing about pregnant women, aren't I?
Regular News!
They tried to assassinate Trump (again)
You know you're living in depraved times when someone tries to assassinate the current GOP presidential nominee for the second time in 90 days and about half of the population either shrugs or tries to downplay the event entirely. That's where we are, though and it's very surreal.
I'll be honest and admit that even I'm a bit hazy on the details of what happened exactly. So instead of trying to explain the details of this attempted slaying of a former president, I'll let the man do it himself, courtesy of an interview Trump gave on X spaces Monday evening for the launch of some Trump family crypto enterprise (why, God, why?):
“I was playing golf with some of my friends, it was on a Sunday morning and very peaceful, very beautiful weather, everything was beautiful, it’s a nice place to be. And all of a sudden we heard shots being fired in the air, and I guess probably four or five, and it sounded like bullets.
But what do I know about that? But Secret Service knew immediately it was bullets, and they grabbed me, and I think probably the other one, Steve is one of the people. Steve Witkoff, a great friend of mine. So we’re in the group and everybody just, we got into the carts, and we moved along pretty, pretty good. I was with an agent, and the agent did a fantastic job. There was no question that we were off that course. I would have loved to have sank that last putt, but we decided, let’s get out of here."
The shooter was a whacko libtard of the highest order, a known felon who somehow had access to Trump National Golf Course and waited (
.
) for Trump to arrive for over twelve hours. This retard was, of course, known to federal agencies, having been investigated by the FBI in 2019 and questioned by U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials last year.
There is much more weirdness to this guy's back story, including the bizarre book he wrote, where wished Iran would assassinate Trump, his "volunteer work" recruiting random people from all over the world to fight for the war in Ukraine, his soyjak son, his strange ability to fund very expensive travel abroad despite being unemployed and so forth. It's hard to process all of the insanity that has happened, but you should be assured that this ride is far from over.
Am I Racist?: Reviewed
The best way to explain Am I A Racist? is that Matt Walsh made a Sascha Baron Cohen film. But his version is not like the Borat or Bruno movies, where the jokes were principally made at the expense of (mostly) polite Americans from south of the Mason-Dixon line - it's more like the peak of the Da Ali G Show, where the character mocked elites for their own self-righteous bullshit.
The movie is funny, entertaining, and looks better than it has any right to be, given its budget of only 3 million dollars. Matt Walsh does a good job of playing a version of Matt Walsh who is pretending to go on a DEI journey of self-realization. Walsh is funny in this role; his deadpan delivery is stunningly good for someone who's not an actor. I assume the footage is edited, but I was very impressed by how quickly Walsh was able to think on his feet. It cannot be easy to step into the lion's den of a Saira Rao white guilt apologia dinner and rudely interrupt her racist rants on several occasions. The same goes for asking Robin DiAngelo to define "mansplaining" only to interrupt her before she can answer. Matt Walsh just gives zero fucks and has massive fucking balls.
I would, however, argue that the brilliance of this film isn't tied to the size of Walsh's testicles - it's the way in which it gets its subjects to expose themselves and their grift. In the dinner scene, Rao openly admits that anti-racism is anti-whiteness and states that the "system must burn", that "America is not worth saving" and is a "piece of shit". When you read these quotes in a vacuum, she kinda sounds like a KKK member!
The movie did well in its first week of release, earning an estimated $4.7 million from only 1,500 theaters. Am I Racist? took the 4th spot in the weekend box office, despite basically zero marketing from outside of the DailyWire bubble and with literally zero "Rotten Tomatoes Approved Film Critics" agreeing to watch and review the film (the site doesn't even list this movie under its "Top Box Office" tab).
Already making back its budget is a success, but I hope more people support this project with their wallets because Am I Racist? is the best thing that "conservative media" has created since The Chinese Revolution - Good Thing, Bad Thing? (which, sadly, never made it into theaters). Am I Racist? is not just Twitter or right-wing funny, it's movie theater funny and deserves to be supported on its merits - which is probably the nicest compliment I can give this film.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Sunday: Enthusiasm!; and ‘I Wouldn’t Call Him Crazy’
The one where Robert Stacey McCain breaks down the latest guy who tried to kill Donald Trump:
"[He] was bonkers, berserk, daft, demented, deranged, wacky, off his rocker, non compos mentis, nuttier than squirrel farts, a few fries short of a Happy Meal and cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Which is to say, he was a typical Joe Biden voter. “Stochastic terrorism,” they call it, when hateful rhetoric is used to incite crazy people to violence. Somehow, the media have decided that Trump is to blame because (a) the media are utterly lacking in self-awareness and (b) they blame Trump for everything."
I have nothing to add here, this was pretty great from the fellas over at The Other McCain. Very true. Funny. 10/10. No notes.
Odds and ends
Not to brag, but Flappr had a 2M+ view viral meme this week.
Mark Robinson - NCGOP nominee for governor, black porn nazi.
Rich Lowry didn't mean to say the N-word (probably).
Kentucky governor bans use of 'conversion therapy'; cutting dick off still legal.
‘Diddy’ arrested; held drug-fueled Freak Off sex performances that lasted days.
Don Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle have split?
Jews blew Hezbollah dicks off using pagers.
Melania Trump is a secret Flappr enthusiast.
'Apolitical' Fed slashes rates by 50bps two months before an election.
Sports! Sports! Sports!
TNF: Aaron Rodgers is BACK; sodomizes the Patriots on national TV
When Aaron Rodgers is good, he's the best to ever throw a football, and last night, he looked special. A-Rod (gay nickname) finished the night 27/35 for 281 and 2 TDs and looked healthy. His throws popped off his hand and had that frustratingly perfect Rodgers spin on them. Perhaps most importantly, Rodgers's legs looked fresh. He escaped pressure, scrambled for a first down, got hit, and he got back up, looking no worse for wear.
If you're a Pats fan reading this blog, just know . . . I feel your pain. What you watched and went through last night is familiar to me. I watched that cocksucker, Aaron Rodgers, dissect, dismember and methodically ruin my day for 14 years while he quarterbacked for cheese-eating cunts up north. It's maddening to think you might have contained him, only to see him squirt away from pressure and thread a needle to a covered receiver 20 yards downfield.
LOOK AT THAT FUCKING THROW! THIS ISN'T FAIR! If this version of Rodgers sticks around for a couple more years and the Jets typically shitty offensive line can keep him upright, the rest of the AFC East is fucked. I've seen this version of Rodgers before and he will find a way to win the divisional games necessary to win division crowns before finding comical ways to lose playoff games just shy of reaching the Super Bowl.
NFL Week 2: Reviewed by Flappr
Looking for a recap of what happened in last weekend's games? Why not support my football writing and read Flappr's BIG TDs Football blog!? Click, see what I wrote about your team, see how the Bears have made me suicidal, watch a few highlights, and laugh at a few jokes! Much fun will be had.
Plus, you'll make me happy, and don't I deserve a little joy in my life? The numbers haven't been great thus far, so click the link you animals!
Shohei Ohtani: 51 HRs and 51 Stolen Bases
Nerds ruined baseball, making it boring and unwatchable, but I used to follow MLB more closely than any other sport and feel obligated to share a note on what Shohei Ohtani has done this year because it's fucking retarded (good kind). On the night he would become the first player in MLB history to enter the 50/50 club, Ohtani put up one of the most absurd single-game stat lines I can remember:
6-6, 4 R, 3 HR, 10 RBI, 2 SB
After signing a 10-year, $700 million contract with the Dodgers in the offseason, this squid-porn-watching mfer redefined his game once again. Ohtani is still recovering from UCL surgery he underwent late last year, so he has not pitched this year - so what does he do? He becomes a full-time DH and an elite base runner. After never stealing more than 26 bases in a season, Ohtani is going to more than double that number. Basically, Shohei was bored and decided to find a new challenge to keep things interesting.
Over 20,000 players have suited up in MLB history and one of them has hit 50 home runs and stolen 50 bases in the same season. That player is also a Cy Young-level pitcher currently recovering from Tommy John surgery. Ohtani might be the most talented human to ever pick up a baseball.
Too bad nerds ruined the sport and nobody cares.
A new Supportive Significant Other emerges.
Meet Sofia, SSO to third-year Falcons receiver, Drake London, who adorned herself in bejeweled gear, including her boyfriend's name across her bottom and number on her nails, to attend his game against the Eagles in Philly on Sunday night. Then, when London caught the game-winning touchdown in the game's closing moments - Sofia grabbed her phone and sprang to action:
Sitting amongst the biggest bunch of scumbag fans in professional sports, Sofia unleashed a bombastic battle cry to celebrate her man's accomplishment. She silenced the crowd at the Linc, a group of people who proudly eat horse shit and throw batteries at opposing fans (or worse).
Sofia was either ignorant of her surroundings or didn't give a shit, but either way, this level of bravery is elite SSO behavior. Ms. Gabay has burst onto the scene and her SSO-talents will be worth monitoring moving forward. Lock it up, Drake.
There are multiple inaccuracies and/or disputable facts in this headline about 'World's Sexiest Hockey Player' Mikayla Demaiter, whom the Daily Star has anointed the 'Hottest ice hockey player in history'.
In history? Really? I mean, maybe, sure. Mikayla is a beautiful human specimen, but has the Daily Star ever seen photos of Wayne Gretzky in his prime? Ever heard of Jaromir Jagr? What about Jeremy Roenick? These men are pure puck-pumping panty pleasers of the highest order!
This is not to take anything away from Ms. Demaiter, or even to say that she isn't the 'Hottest ice hockey player in history', but isn't such an important title worth a bit of debate? Did anyone at the Daily Star question whether there may be other contenders? Did they analyze whether bestowing such a title on Ms. Demaiter at such a young age might be harmful to her long-term psyche as an eGirl sports influencer? My guess to all of the above is no, and that's a shame.
Let's just hope this newfound status does not go to Mikayla's head and lead her down a path of ego, excess, and poor decisions for her eGirl-influencing career.
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):
Yes, that is "volleyball star Kayla Simmons" presumably "driving fans wild" as she "goes braless" while wearing a "red dress". This is a literal BSO headline.
And some of the comments on this post are genuinely funny, let's review a few:
"K Bomb...that is one very nice bottom...lol" says, rinbareldude, who decided it was appropriate to give Kayla, a complete stranger to him, a pet name.
''Not bad' said i_still_don't_snapcaht who apparently is deploying a negging approach to gain the attention of a woman with over a million followers.
And, my personal favorite from jay_kirko who commented:''Sweet dreams are made of you. You are the consummate Beauty Queen' which is somehow creepier than the guy who gave her a pet name and said she had a nice ass. Not sure what drove this guy to write such a froofy comment, maybe he saw this gif?
Hard to say. I need to remember to read through the comments on these posts, there is a lot of gold to be mined here. Fun stuff.
Meme of the Week!
On Tuesday, pagers (or beepers, if you prefer) throughout Lebanon exploded, blowing the dicks off of several members of the terrorist group Hezbollah. According to several outlets, this was a coordinated attack carried out by Mossad and the Israeli military who intercepted a shipment pagers ordered from a Taiwanese manufacturer. They then hid explosives inside of them and inserted a device to remotely detonate them. Their plan worked.
Normally, I would not celebrate violence because war is hell and human dismemberment is not funny to me, but . . . this operation is so wild and was carried out against people who chant "death to America", so I'm willing to bend my rules. Think about it - terrorists attempt to circumvent Israeli intelligence by using pagers, only for Mossad to discover the plan and use the pagers to blow their dicks off. PAGERS! When was the last time you thought about pagers?!
The absurdity of it all led to memes. So many memes. There were more A+ memes about Jewish pager bombs than about any news event in recent memory. They ranged from classic, lighthearted, templates . . .
. . . to overt merciless mockery . . .
. . . to the insanely offensive and macabre:
There were just too many good memes from this week for me to pick just one. Tuesday was one of those rare days on Twitter where the whole crew got together and threw lobs up to eachother, resulting in dunk after dunk after dunk. So, rather than give the award to just one memer, I am giving the award to the memeing community writ large and encourage you to go follow some of my favorites:
To accept this week's award on behalf of the memeing community, I reached out to @magills_ and @Richard_Harambe for quotes on receiving this week's honors. Here is what they shared with me for publication:
Wow. So true.
Some Flappr Blogs!
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