We've curated our own weekly digest of links from around the internet entitled "Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects" to help keep you abreast of very important news! We will deliver T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) to your inbox every Friday (if you subscribe to our blog)!
Very Important News!
Lauren Boebert: got milked while watching a musical; grabbed dong.
One of the bad things about only writing once a week is that when something BIG and/or JUICY (like Lauren's boobs) happens on a Friday, after we've published, it's basically old news by the time you tune back into T.I.T.S. the following week.
Oh well, here's my take anyways.
The video is very hot. It just is, she looks very sexy and there is something captivating about watching people who can't keep their hands off each other. Lauren Boebert is probably the sexiest member of Congress and a near LOCK to win Flappr's 2023 Milkers of the Year Award (our most prestigious honor).
The video is also embarrassing. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned (hand job pun), but if hold public office, you should not get caught playing grease the weasel in a theater. Just wait 'til you get home and fuck his brains out there! If you're going to be a firebrand and make yourself a target for the opposition . . . you can't afford unforced errors. You especially don't want to look like an unserious clown while people are struggling to get by and you barely won your last election (Boebert won by less than 600 votes). If you want to be leader, then lead. If not, then step aside.
Seriously, though. . . that video is pretty damn hot.
So apparently this lady was on a reality TV show 10 years ago.
What are the chances she saw the TMFINR lady go viral and is trying to capitalize on her own "plane incident" to help boost her "social media influencer" career?
I'm actually shocked we haven't seen more people try this stunt.
Bragging about a 25k porn offer is a sad move. If you're going to brag about an offer to do porn, it's gotta be for 1 million-plus. Big boobs, though. Very nice.
Paige Spiranac: got hit with a literal "bobs" question.
"Your bobs are very big any reason for that?"
That's a very odd question with a very particular choice of vernacular.
It does make you wonder if "bobs" has escaped Flappr's very, very, very small corner of the internet and gone mainstream.
Probably not.
Dave Portnoy: I Caught Wind That The Washington Post Was Writing A Hit Piece About Me And My Pizzafest So I Went on the Offensive
I really do recommend you watch this entire video. It's a brilliant example of how journos operate.
For those who refuse to watch, here's the TL;DW: Portnoy is running a Pizzafest in NY this weekend. Portnoy's Pizzafest has sponsors. The Washington Post (and others) contacted Portnoy's sponsors, asking them why they would "associate" with a man who has a "history of misogynistic comments and other problematic behavior". Portnoy's sponsors make him aware of these emails and Portnoy decides to call the journo at WaPo to ask her why she's trying to pressure sponsors into backing out. WaPo Journo says she wasn't doing trying to pressure anyone but that as a journalist you "have to indicate that there might be something negative and then you get them to engage."
If you listen to the journo on that call, she comes across as somewhat normal and dispassionate about the story she was working on. It's pretty impressive. You might even think she's trying to do something other than write a hit-piece. Then you realize that there is literally no reason for any journalist to write this non-story other than to threaten anyone who would dare "associate" with someone like Dave Portnoy. The journos called sponsors in effort to get them to back out and ruin Portnoy's pizza. Why? Because they don't like Portnoy and because they can.
This video is a glimpse of evil.
AJAB.
Alison Lohman: turned 44.
You may not instantly recognize the name Alison Lohman, but you should recognize her angelic and ageless face. Alison's pretty damn impressive acting career includes movies like Big Fish (2003) and Drag Me to Hell (2009).
For my money, Lohman's best performance was in Matchstick Men, a film where she steals scenes while acting alongside two Oscar winners (Nic Cage and Sam Rockwell). Matchstick Men came out while I worked at a movie theater in high school. I've probably watched that movie 30 times and have always had a soft spot for Alison. I've followed her career over the years, and it seems like she's acting less and enjoying teaching young actors / being a mom. That's pretty cool.
To my surprise, one day Alison (for some reason) decided to follow Flappr on Twitter. Alison, who turned 44 this week, is very cool and seems lo-key very based. You should go follow her on Twitter.
This is tough for me. I am an avowed Sundress Nationalist. I wrote a got-dang paean on the majesty of sundresses! But here I am looking at this beautiful woman, wearing a sundress, dancing around and thinking to myself. . . she shouldn't be wearing a sundress that short in a classroom full of kids.
I can't help it, it's true. . . that sundress is way too short for a teacher to wear to work. I don't need my second grader coming home talking about how he saw up Ms. Teacherlady's dress and asking why a string was hanging out of her underwear.
This is an abuse of Sundress Nationalism. We live in a society, Ms. Teacherlady! There are rules! Be an adult, ffs.
Speaking of . . .
No Context, Beautiful Woman Wearing A Sundress:
As the official, self-proclaimed, Wardens of Sundress Season, we are sad to report that Sundress Season officially ends September 30th.
Say a prayer. For all of us.
I dunno what to say about this one, so I'll just share some little person themed, descriptive terms for boobs.
Pygmy Pompoms? Little Person Lactaters? Miniature Moo Moos? Dwarfish Dirigibles? Pocket-Sized Pokies? Lilliputian Lactoids?
Yes, I feel bad for writing this. Yes, you should feel bad for reading this.
Murdoch Hairy Muff-Gate:
It wouldn't be a weekly episode of T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) if a Rupert Murdoch owned media outlet hadn't published a story about a woman who's proud that she stopped shaving her pits n' bits.
Let's see what fur-goblin the Murdoch Media empire is pushing this week. . .
Hmph. . . actually I couldn't find any this week. Is it possible that, after FOURTEEN STRAIGHT WEEKS, Flappr's pressure campaign has put an end to this hairy national nightmare?
We will not take credit, but we are happy that women can go back to shaving their pubic regions in peace.
You are welcome, though. . . just saying.
Rupert goes into semi-retirement and his media empire stops sharing stories about women who refuse to shave their arm pits and bikini zone.
Coincidence?
Less Important News
In fairness, this is the least embarrassing thing Biden has done this month. He could've shit his pants. He could've sniffed the President of Brazil. He could've made up a story about how he was raised in a Brazilian favela in Scranton - "I'm not kiddin' folks!". An insulting missed handshake is, in a way, a huge victory.
"GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!" Imagine Donald Trump saying that in 2019. They probably would've impeached him.
Fast forward to 2023, Greg Abbott sends 35,000 illegals to NYC over 18 months and suddenly Eric Adams and Katy Hochul go full Ann Coulter.
The hypocrisy is absolutely maddening. . . these people act like 2017-2021 never happed. And what's worse is that nobody involved with pushing these policies (Biden, Democrats nationally, the Media) will face any consequences. None of them. That's how bad things are right now.
So, no, you're not crazy. These people are evil hypocrites, but just because you're right doesn't mean that anything will change or anyone will care. Such is the life of a red pilled American in 2023.
WGN (Chicago): Migrant tent cities come with child care — and questions
From the article:
"The city quietly signed a $29 million contract with Garda World last week to erect, staff and operate the facilities. Each tent must be able to house 250-1,400 people.
The company must also provide migrants with bedding, laundry, showers, 3-meals a day and security."
Imagine being a drug addicted, pants-shidded, homeless American vagrant living under Lower Wacker Drive in the middle of February and someone tells you that a bunch of illegals have their own heated tent city, where they get beds, laundry, showers and three meals a day.
If you weren't already a paranoid-schizophrenic who screams expletives and assaults at innocent bystanders . . . you'd probably be pretty pissed.
Charles C.W. Cooke / National Review: Is Ibram X. Kendi a Racist?
The one in which Charles C.W. Cooke tries to apply Kendi's insane definition of racism against the Kendi's own actions to conclude that Ibram X. Kendi is a racist.
Mr. Cooke is, of course, doing all of this to prove a point. Mr. Cooke's argument is obviously correct. Mr. Cooke's argument is also meaningless because Ibram X. Kendi is, for all intents and purposes, an untouchable member of The Cathedral and no amount of pointing out his blatant hypocrisy will ever change that.
The Washington Free Beacon: Ibram Kendi’s Center for Antiracist Research Hasn't Produced Any Research; and Boston University Opens ‘Inquiry’ Into Ibram X. Kendi’s Antiracism Center
From the article:
"Boston University on Wednesday announced an "inquiry" into its Antiracist Research Center, run by celebrity scholar Ibram X. Kendi, a day after the Washington Free Beacon reported that the think tank has hardly produced any research."
Hmph. . . maybe I'm wrong? Maybe Kendi isn't so untouchable after all?
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Sunday: Cowgirl Style; Quashawn, Rashan, and ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ in Polk County and The Delusions of Michael Tomasky
The one in which Robert Stacy McCain tries comprehend how Tomasky (a dirtbag journo) can believe that Joe Biden is a "victim of Republican bias in the media".
From the article: "There is a word for people who believe such things. That word is crazy and, as I’m sure you know by now, Crazy People Are Dangerous."
Well said.
Animal Magnetism: Animal's Daily Slip-And-Slide-A-Potty News
The one in which Animal reports on a new toilet design made of materials that will prevent shit from getting stuck to the inside of the bowl.
Fascinating.
Important News, BUT Sports
TNF: The Niners pounded the Giants; Niners fans pounded each other.
Daniel Jones is not a good quarterback. The Giants are not a good football team. Unsurprisingly, the Niners kicked the shit out of them last night on the field (Niners covered the spread (-10.5), winning by 18). Also unsurprisingly, Niners fans kicked the shit out of each other last night in the stands.
For some reason, Niners fans don't have the reputation of Philly fans for being wild, but they absolutely should! Just look at this video! Homegirl was decked out in a Nick Bosa jersey and lost her weave! Thiccc Razor Ramon grabbed that big tiddy red head (who doesn't appear to have been wearing a bra) by the hair, yanked her down the stairs, punched her boyfriend and then punched her in the face!
Absolute chaos!
Look at this poor schmuck! He thought he was going to white knight his way into this tussle, but then he saw Thicc Razor Ramon hit that lady in the face!
You definitely don't want that smoke from a dude who will hit a defenseless woman in the face. That type of dude will do worse, much worse, to a fancy boy who wears a tight-fitting collared shirt to a football game.
Oh and Andrew Luck randomly showed up dressed like the Twitter meme version of himself.
Fun times.
The Bears: fucking suck and the organization is in disarray.
As I prophesized last week, the Bears lost by 10+ points to the Buccaneers last Sunday and boy oh boy, did Justin Fields look like absolute dog shit.
Fields' response? He's playing too robotically because of "coaching". In other words, he would be playing like his normal self (an inaccurate passer who cannot read or process defenses) if not for his coaches coaching him so much.
To make things worse, the Bears travel to Kansas City this week to play the Chiefs.
To make things even worse and weirder, the Bears Defensive Coordinator, Alan Williams, resigned under mysterious circumstances after the FBI (ALLEGEDLY) raided his home yesterday.
The Bears are becoming fun-embarrassing. We're nearing Marc Trestman level of bad territory and this Sunday should provide some hilarious moments of futility.
The Bears are going to get absolutely shit pumped by Mahomes. I can't see them losing by less than 14 points. Book it.
Nick Chubb: gahhh! Fuck, the human leg isn't supposed to bend like that!
A reminder that these dudes are absolute gladiators and sign up to play football knowing something like this could absolutely happen on any play of their careers.
Also, Minkah Fitzpatrick is a scumbag for coming in low on a runner who's already being held up by a defender. Shitty play.
Also, also, the Steelers somehow came from behind to win this game, despite having negative yards in the 4th quarter. First time that's ever happened.
Also, also, also, the Browns and DeShaun Watson both fucking suck.
According to Outkick, in addition to being an 'Instagram Star', Jenna Berman is 'The World's Hottest Physician Assistant'. Look, folks, , , , I'm sure Jenna is good at her job, but 'hot' isn't a characteristic I care much about in physician assistants responsible for my care.
I would be just fine with 'The World's Most Competent Physician's Assistant, Who Is Definitely Not Mid, But More Like A 7 Or An 8 When She Gets All Dolled Up'. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Your Weekly "The Paige Spiranac Of": Pittsburgh Soccer Star, The ‘Paige Spiranac Of The Pitch,’ Declares War On W. Virginia For Backyard Brawl
As I've mentioned before, the phrase "The Paige Spiranac of <blank>" gets thrown around a lot these days and that label is almost always applied inappropriately and to unworthy candidates.
I consider myself a true "The Paige Spiranac of <blank>" expert, so I will now review and rate the accuracy of this claim.
The Paige Spiranac of <blank> Accuracy Rating: So this is the second time that Outkick has tried to push Ms. Harrington as "The Paige Spiranac of the Pitch" and as determined last time. . . it's just not an appropriate title.
Now, that's not to say Emily is not beautiful! She's a total babe! There is nothing wrong with not being on "The Paige Spiranac Of" level! She's a perfectly fine Emily Harrigan of Soccer!
But for "The Paige Spiranac Of" to mean something, you have to have standards and only the truly special sports/influencer smokeshow can qualify.
Remember, Outkick and their loose standards for bestowing "The Paige Spiranac Of" status are the real bad guys here, not me!
Speaking of. . .
After looking at this photo . . . is there any world in which I am wrong about my "The Paige Spiranac Of" rating above? In the end, Paige is in a class of her own (though, I think I did say Karin Hart is worthy of Paige Spiranac 'Rival Status').
I mean, holy shit, right? What a woman! I can't see what obese transvestite Sports Illustrated chooses to put on the cover instead of Paige!
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (journalism purposes):
BSO Headline Literalness Rating: Hmmm. . . that is Mikayla Demiter and she is flaunting her bum, butt (intentional misspelling for comedic purposes) Mikayla is wearing a pink bikini - not a bra and I don't see hot pants anywhere.
This is only a slightly literal BSO headline.
What do you think of Mikayla's bum, Al Pacino from the movie Heat?
Agreed, Mr. Pacino, though I would add that her bum qualifies as an ASS for classification purposes.
Very Important Meme of the Week
This week's honor goes to the myth, the legend, the Man with the Golden Dick, Dr. Cock and Balls, the namesake for Flappr's annual @Richard_Harambe Excellence in Memeing Award, the one, the only, @Richard_Harambe.
Jeffrey Toobin, inspired by Lauren Boebert's 'handy-work", purchasing a ticket to Beetlejuice so he can beat his meat like he was on a Zoom call. When I saw this meme, it made me mad that I didn't think of it first - amazing work from a legend.
10/10, absolutely brilliant.
Flappr Blogs
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A fun read, as always!
100% on Matchstick Men being a great underrated movie. Hidden gem for Lohman, Cage, and Rockwell.
I’m alive. Kinda. Not shaming anyone but midg porn is weird.
Fun read! And I concur on the sundress appropriateness.
I have been noting a distinct lack of Mikayla over the last few Fridays. I believed it was an anti--canadian bias but am pleased that this isnt true! She is should replace the Canada Goose as the national symbol of all that is good in Canada!! I salute her each morning!