It’s news. It’s sports. It’s commentary on weird shit from around the internet.
It’s Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects, our weekly digest of curated links designed to keep you abreast of very important news!
**ANNOUCEMENT**
THIS is the FINAL edition of TITS (coincidental acronym).
THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO READ THIS BLOG THE LAST 91 WEEKS!
STAY TUNED FOR AN EXCITING LAUNCH NEXT FRIDAY!
Very Important News!
Folks, , , I think we need to review the evidence and determine whether or not this act of publicly presenting pendulous pontoons breaks our social contract. This is part of the solemn oath I wore to uphold when choosing to become a culture blogger and I take this responsibility very seriously.
As I have written before, not all public flashing is created equal. Some open flauntings of flesh are more acceptable than others. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. Accidental surprise boobs, typically resulting from wardrobe malfunctions, are fun, sudden, and part of the serendipitous mysteries of life. All other forms of areola aeration are assumed gestures of public thottery unless exigent circumstances provide evidence to rebut that assumption.
For Ms. Louise's memorable manifestation of MAGA-loving milk wagons, I must judge her actions in their totality. And, sadly, the evidence leaves me no choice but to rule that Louise did commit an act of public thottery. You see, Section 80085 of our shared social contract clearly states: "A party shall not intentionally expose her bosoms while attending a public event unless such exposure is fueled by too many hard seltzys while attending a sporting event or done at Mardi Gras or a debaucherous location of the same or similar nature."
When applied to the titillating Trump rally tendering of tatas at issue here, the evidence overwhelmingly suggests that Louise pre-planned her performance. First, we must note that Louise flashed twice at the rally, suggesting premeditation. This conclusion is bolstered by Louise's knowing look just before her second flashing.
Now that we've established that Louise had the mens rea (mental state) to commit this violation, we must look to motive. The defendant makes money from her OnlyFans account, which undoubtedly saw a huge boost once this voluptuous video went viral. Popping her top to promote her OnlyFans and drive new users to her venal ventures seems like the most plausible explanation for her behavior.
Finally, this is not Louise's first foray into flashing. Back in May, this curvy character unleashed her umlauts in front of the short-lived NYC portal, establishing her modus operandi.
Accordingly, while I cannot say whether or not criminal charges should be brought against Louise, it brings me no joy to report that this frolicking OnlyFans star is guilty of a public act of thottery. Don't get naked in public.
My ruling is final. Court is adjourned.
According to the Daily Star, the Guinness Community, "a notorious Facebook group full of randy blokes" has disappeared from Facebook over allegations of "sm*t". Members of this group would upload photos of their pints for other participants to rate and comment on. Apparently, photos of pints of Guinness evolved into photos large breasted women posing with pints of Guinness, which upset massive TWATS who got BIG MAD that the group stopped being about beer or whatever.
Listen, mate, nobody gives a fuck about your pint of dirty Irish mop water (yes, Guinness is gross). People love boobs! Everyone knows this, but now look at what you've gone and done. You've got the whole group removed from Facebook, unleashing thousands of horny boomers back into the wild. Horny boomers NEED their overly sexualized special interest Facebook groups and the rest of us NEED them to keep their horniess contained to those groups.
Let me ask you this, why do you think your dad is a member of no fewer than seven Facebook groups for Corvettes when he's never owned one? Because those groups aren't about Corvettes, they're about shitty memes and heavily pixelated, reposted photos of scantily women, posing with Corvettes. Why do you think your uncle spends all day posting in the "Clearwater Boat Lovers" group when he can't swim, lost his license for multiple DUIs, and has never been to Florida? It's because they're checking out hot broads all day with other similarly situated boomer bros!
And NOW, the boomers that were contained and neutralized within the "Guinness Community" have been booted back to GenPop, where they're poised to post inappropriate memes on main and/or leave hilarious, but problematic, replies on your mother-in-law's cringy anti-Trump post. This is why G.K. Chesterton warned, “Do not remove a fence until you know why it was put up in the first place.” The horny FB group was the fence, you fools! And you ripped it down without considering the consequences. Now, we all must suffer for your arrogance.
This lady says men pay her "to rate and belittle their d*cks", noting that men with especially tiny todgers ask her to humiliate them for having . . . small penises. She goes on to say that these dudes "seem to enjoy being made to feel worthless" and they tell her that it makes them feel "amazing".
Men pay money for this? To have someone humiliate the diminutive nature of their dongs? You know, fellas, , , I don't understand this one in the slightest. Then again, I don't understand why anyone would ever send a photo of their penis to another person to begin with. Sure, it's fun to have a dick, but penises are disgusting, both aesthetically and by way of function. The less exposed wangs in the world, the better, I say! But these men are allegedly whipping their minuscule members out, photographing them, and paying eGirls money to mock them!
Listen, if you want to waste piles of cash for a woman to humiliate you . . . just get married! My wife performs this service for me regularly (not my penis - that's amazing!) and all I have to do is work every day of my life to support her and our family! Otherwise, this humiliation comes free of charge! Hiyooooo!
I kid! I kid! People need to stop being such fucking cretinous perverts, governed by their flesh. Stop throwing money away. Stop gooning. Go ride a bicycle, learn how to change a tire, or start a blog that nobody reads! You know, do something useful with your life. The eGirls will survive, I promise. To my understanding, most of them are only doing OnlyFans to pay their way through med school, anyway.
Regular News!
Olivia Nuzzi aggressively sexting RFK is the wildest story of an election cycle that has already featured two assassination attempts, a candidate malfunctioning on live television, Hulk Hogan and the DNC bullying a current sitting president from the ticket and replacing him with a woman who didn't earn a single vote.
I still don't know if I have all the facts straight. The details of how this all went down are still disputed and all over the place, but I'll do my best to break it down.
Both parties say they never boned but started texting each other after Nuzzi interviewed RFK for a profile she wrote about him back in November 2023. At this point, RFK's camp says Nuzzi sent him a flirty text, which prompted Kennedy to block her number. Then, according to reports, Nuzzi later e-mailed RFK “asking to be unblocked, claiming she had urgent information about a hit piece being prepared against him". So, he did and according to people close to him, Nuzzi then sent him a "provocative picture", causing him to block her again. Apparently, Nuzzi kept utilizing this tactic to get RFK to unblock, so she could send him "increasingly pornographic photos and videos" that he found "difficult to resist." Yeah, I bet.
Fast forward to last week when Nuzzi was put on administrative leave by her employer, New York Magazine, RFK issued a denial and claims that she was the aggressor and Nuzzi's fiancé (a fellow journo) announced that they had ended their relationship. Once the news broke, a firestorm erupted on social media, consisting of lots of memes and lots of pearl-clutching journalists who were shocked by Nuzzi's unprofessional behavior. How could she form a personal relationship with the subject of her reporting!?! Doesn't she respect the code of journalist ethics?!? This . . . this is the most offensive part of this whole saga - the journos pretending to care about the ethics of their profession.
I feel confident in saying that this story would never have been made public if RFK had not endorsed Donald Trump or, at minimum, this story would not have been made public until AFTER the election if RFK had endorsed Kamala Harris. While Nuzzi DID disgrace herself by pursuing a married man whom she was responsible for reporting objectively on, journalists do not care about biased reporting, and they'd care even less if she aggressively sexted someone on "their side". No, these journos have only rediscovered journalistic principles to weaponize a scandal against RFK who endorsed Trump and brought with him a sliver of support from suburban MILFs.
The craziest part of this ordeal is that Nuzzi is hot. She's tall, successful, has a great body, northern Italian good looks, and a bitchy aura (good kind) about her that some (ahem) find intoxicating. She's an easy 9.5 on the journalist scale.
Why would this attractive 31-year-old woman who NUKED her whole life over some weird schoolgirl crush? All must not have been well with Ms. Nuzzi. Perhaps she was seeking a way out of the life she had built for herself. Perhaps she secretly resented her journo fiancé and wanted to publicly cuckold him. Perhaps she has some deep-rooted daddy issues that led her to (allegedly) send butthole pics to a man old enough to be her father (or even her grandfather). If that's true (unconfirmed to my knowledge) . . . good heavens. I'm not even sure how one could (allegedly) photograph their own balloon knot, but Nuzzi did seem determined to take that 70-year-old dong to pound town so . . . who knows?
What a crazy story. Only 39 days 'til election day. Buckle up.
NY Post: Biden stumbles on ‘The View’ when asked about Pelosi forcing his ouster: ‘That wasn’t the reason’
I'm not going to pretend that I watched this whole appearance, but I did catch a few of the clips posted by Nick Fondacaro from The MRC and it was like observing an alternate reality. The cackling cows on this show took turns performing sexual acts on Biden with their mouths, gagging on his member with claims like he "stepped up to lead us out of the dark" and that he's "one of the most substantial presidents of the past half-century."
Really, Whoopie? Is that why Biden's approval rating was nearly a net negative 20 back in June? Was it all the leading out of the darkness and substantialness that caused him to record the worst approval rating in history? Next, it was Ana Navarro's turn to play tonsil tennis with "the boys" with tongue volleys like "You've been the best" and then breathlessly thanking him for DEI hires such as Kamala Harris and Alejandro Mayorkas.
Yes, thank you, Joe, for the most unpopular VP in history and the man in charge of our open border that allowed over EIGHT-MILLION illegals into our homeland, including many from belligerents like China and Iran. Thank you for putting skin color and gender above and beyond merit or competency.
Finally, after the ladies put forth an old-fashioned yeoman's effort on his wrinkly dink, Biden uncorked a frothy load worthy of Peter North, suggesting that he only planned on serving one term and that he saw himself “as a transition president".
**sigh** I don't want to be mean. I just wanted him to fade away, but he couldn't resist this disgraceful public blow job and the anger bubbles up once again.
Joe Biden didn't save us from COVID, Joe Biden prolonged COVID by throwing around free money and colluding with the teacher's unions to keep schools closed. Joe Biden wasn't successful, his economy was fueled by government spending and stimmy checks, and the jobs "he created" were really just jobs recovered once lockdowns ended. Joe Biden wasn't a uniter. Joe Biden wasn't a statesman. Joe Biden wasn't a good role model. Joe Biden wasn't your nice old grandpa.
Joe Biden was a senile puppet from day one who let bureaucrats run the country into a progressive fever dream of governance-by-virtue signaling. Joe Biden was a tyrant who openly circumvented the Constitution on multiple occasions and BRAGGED about it. Joe Biden was incompetent, disgracefully rushing us out of one foreign entanglement while blindly leading us into others far worse. Joe Biden was an asshole, who used his office to punish those who didn't embrace the regime and enrich those who did.
Let's Go Brandon.
The Other McCain: Rule 5 Sunday: Moving Indoors; The Slow Death of Kamala’s ‘Joy’; and STOP DOING THIS!
The one where Robert Stacey McCain begs you to stop wetting the bed:
"I am sick and tired of the defeatist negativity that crops up in the comments every time I blog about the election. Whenever I point to hopeful signs about November (as I did on Tuesday), the comments fill up with a chorus of doomsayers, declaring that there’s no way that any Republican can ever win anywhere because the Democrats are certain to steal the election. It’s “rigged” to the point of 100% certainty, proclaim the chorus of Eeyores, who always see the glass as half-empty and never let a glint of optimistic sunshine penetrate their preferred gloom of hopelessness. STOP IT!"
If there is ever a time to click a link I've shared from The Other McCain (great guys!), it would be now and it would be this link. Some of you desperately need to unplug yourselves from the IV of doom serum being pumped into you on a daily basis. Yes, there are reasons to worry about the outcome of November's elections. Yes, you should be vigilant and worry about election integrity. Yes, we MAY lose. But there are just as many, if not more, reasons to be optimistic.
The data, as it stands today, suggests that Trump will win on November 5th. Trump is either winning or within striking distance in each of the battleground states necessary to win. Sixty-one percent of Americans believe the country is on the wrong track. The Muslim mayor of Hamtramck, Michigan, just endorsed Trump over Kamala. Don't be a cynic, or as one commenter put it "I love [defeatism] - in my enemies and rivals. They defeat themselves before I even move against them."
Odds and ends
Happy Birthday to Siraj Hashmi, our favorite ironically gay man on Twitter.
Happy Birthday to Sarah, who is a ridiculously angelic-looking MFer.
Izabooboo is not sure if you've noticed, but she hates commies.
Brett Favre was diagnosed with Parkinson's, says "it's too late for me"
Eric Adams has been indicted on federal charges stemming from a pay-to-play scheme involving Turkish campaign donations.
Krissy is proudly one of the 7.1% of women that make up Flappr's audience.
Halee wants to know if men like getting butthole photos from women (nope).
Caitlin Clark's rookie season came to an end.
The youngest MVP in NBA history, Derrick Rose, has retired.
Sports! Sports! Sports!
The Cowboys beat the Giants 20-15 to take home their 14th victory against New York in their last 15 meetings. The game did not do much to inspire confidence in this Dallas team long term. Dak was efficient, going 22/27 for 221 and 2 TDs, but the 'Boys still can't run the ball, averaging only 3.5 yards on 23 carries. New York outgained Dallas, ran 10 more plays, and won the time of possession battle by over 10 minutes . . . but still lost. Dear Lord, the Giants fucking suck.
Most importantly, this game was boring as shit. There was never really any drama. New York's limp dick offense never looked competent enough to mount a serious threat. Daniel Jones led his team to the outskirts of the red zone only to predictably watch the offense become flaccid, unable to penetrate any further. The Giants running game averaged 1.1 yards on 26 carries - they could not score a touchdown last night, settling for 5 field goals.
The only bright spot for Big Blue was Malik Nabers who caught 12 passes for 115 . . . and also took several big hits. Jones forced the ball to him 15 times last night because he's their only weapon, but Nabers ended up getting concussed on the final play of the evening. They're going to end up getting this kid killed.
The outcome saved Dallas from falling to 1-3 and I'm sure that's all Mike McCarthy cares about. The Cowboys coach probably returned to his office late last evening feeling good about the win, popped the top on a Yuengling, opened a tub of refried beans and ripped a satisfying fart that made the walls shake. But if McCarthy thinks his team looked like anything other than a fringe playoff team destined for a first-round playoff loss . . . well he's a big, dumb, stinky, moron.
NFL Week 3: Reviewed by Flappr
"WHY MUST THE LORD CONTINUE TO TEST ME LIKE THIS?!? WHY CAN'T ANYTHING EVER WORK OUT FOR THIS STUPID FUCKING TEAM?!?
I'M GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU SICK FUCKS WANT, RIGHT? TO HEAR HOW I'M GOING TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT, RIGHT?!? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!"
That's a quote from me in this week's BIG TDs Football Blog! See what you're missing out on? Click the link, read what I had to say about your favorite team, and stay for the custom gifs, highlights, and my weekly meltdowns over the Bears!
Barstool Sports: Rowdy Tellez Needed 4 More Plate Appearances To Cash In A $200K Bonus But Was DFA'd By The Pirates With 6 Games Left
Rowdy Tellez was not too good at baseballing this year, hitting only .243 with 13 home runs, and 56 RBIs with a .691 OPS - but he did play in 132 games and accumulated 421 plate appearances on the season. I assume he tried to be good. I assume he did what was asked of him. The Pittsburgh Pirates are unbelievable twats for cutting him instead of letting him make his 200K bonus.
That incentive in Tellez's contract was likely one of the reasons why he signed with Pittsburgh in the offseason and a tacit promise was made by the team that if Tellez stayed healthy they would not otherwise prevent him from reaching that milestone. I hope the team is publicly humiliated and shamed into giving this tubby bastard his 200K. It's an astoundingly short-sighted and cunty move for an organization that already had the 29th-highest payroll in MLB.
Why do teams do shit like this? Is 200K worth the reputational harm the Pirates will endure among their players and fans? Do they not appreciate how this will look to free agents in the future? What a shit hole team. I hope Paul Skenes demands a trade and frees Livvy Dunne from having to pretend like that the Yinzer accent is something other than poison to her ears.
Ya hear that, haters? Caleb Williams has a GIRLFRIEND, so stop calling him gay! He can't be gay, because he has a girlfriend instead of a BOYFRIEND! He's not a nail-painting butt-pirate, he's just an eccentric, like Michael Jackson, who had a wife, and children! Yep, 'ol Caleb is ALL MAN!
Caleb's girlfriend, Alina Thyregod, is hot too! REALLY hot! She's even wholesome-looking compared to some of the trollops who troll the sidelines! Alina even shows up to games in custom-made denim attire emblazoned with his name and number. That's pretty SSO behavior if you ask me. Caleb doesn't just have a girlfriend, he has a supportive significant other! I bet they even do sex stuff to each other!
Oh yeah, just look at Caleb go! He's trying to mount her like a stallion! Very virile and masculine! Looks like he has experience with this type of endeavor (wink, wink)! Exactly what you'd want out of a starting quarterback! But why is that skeptical lady back again? What is she even doing there? What is she trying to suggest with her skepticism, that something might be off here? Get the fuck out of there, skepticism lady! Caleb's a stud and he's going to be the first franchise quarterback I've witnessed in my lifetime! Whoohoo! Slay Queen!
Case closed.
Barstool Sports: Have Mercy - Kayla Simmons
This blog is literally just 15 different embeds of posts Kayla Simmons made on her Instagram account and a run-of-the-mill gif of Uncle Jesse saying "have mercy". No words, no custom gifs, like the ones made by yours truly, just linking to posts. Barstool has blogged about Kayla Simmons only 5 times, compared to the dozen or so appearances Kayla has made on our blog.
Barstool Sports was valued at $550 million back in 2023 when Penn Entertainment acquired them (and were later sold back to Dave Portnoy for $1). Flappr is currently valued at . . . I dunno, $0 or something? Maybe less? Am I the only one seeing a problem here? Why doesn't Barstool just buy Flappr (for something more than $0, hopefully)? If they did, they wouldn't just have blogs that serve as little more than Instagram feeds. They'd have THOUSANDS of words on things like Sundress Season, the Mace-Milker Effect, Al Pacino from Heat, Cloth Off Friday, The Big TDs Football Blog and Milkers of the Year! PLUS they'd get our award-winning documentaries on revolutions! Can you imagine the people Professor Jimbo could reach with Barstool's platform?! We could change the world! Bring Marxism to its knees! Defeat the communASSts once and for all!
At a minimum, we could fix their lackluster Kayla Simmons blogging. Barstool posting embeds of Kayla's posts is akin to having ESPN cover Joe Burrow's career by sharing occasional highlights of TD passes. Where is the narrative building? Where is the craft? Where are the custom gifs of her as Botticelli's Venus Reborn?
I'm not saying, I'm just saying. Have mercy, Portnoy. Give us a call! We're cheap and produce content that surpasses much of what exists on your site. This is the perfect opportunity to bring some class to your boobie blogs! #Flappr2Barstool.
We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):
I don't even know how to rate the literalness of this headline because it appears to have been written by a retarded person. Read it again: "After 10 Years as an American Football Cheerleader Since the Previous Season". What the fuck were they even trying to say here? If I had to guess, I think they meant "10 Years After Retiring from Being a Cheerleader, Camille Kostek Flaunts Her Curves in a Bikini". If that was BSO's intention then, yes, this would be a literal BSO headline as Camille Kostek was a Patriots cheerleader until February 2015 and she does appear to be "flaunting" her "curves" while wearing a bikini. Yeesh, I really shouldn't have to do their work for them, though, right? Did nobody read that shit before hitting publish? Maybe reconsider outsourcing to India!
Now then let's see what Camille's commenters on Instagram had to say . . .
"Gronk put a ring on that. Sorry if you already have I’ve been keeping up." said Masshole, bucknastey76, with striking familiarity towards Camille's long-term boyfriend, Rob Gronkowski. I especially like how bucknasety76 apologized for not keeping up with the status of their relationship since Gronk's retirement.
Likewise with justmcgregor, who tagged @gronk and suggest that he "spike that asap lol ", which I presume is a playful reference to Gronkowski's patented "Gronk spike" celebration but with an added sexual connotation. I bet Gronk saw justmcgregor's comment and chuckled - he does seem to enjoy that level of humor.
And, my personal favorite came from caliroots_bamawings who asked "Why are you being all covered up now? You're stunning! Gorgeous! And not that you need to be all exposed, but why are you the only one in a one-piece/cover-up? You're such an icon❤️". What an odd thing to say. Was caliroots_bamawings suggesting that Camille has gained weight or perhaps implying that Kostek might be carrying the spawn of Gronk within her womb?
Maybe Gronk took justmcgregor's advice and spiked that asap?
We may never know.
Meme of the Week!
This week's top honor goes to author and podcast host, @dan_baltic, for this masterclass of millennial memory meming. The format Dan deploys here is something that I quite enjoy - he's taken a scene from a seminal (or at least fairly significant) movie from the past 20 years that most of us probably haven't thought about much lately, yanks it from the back of our consciousness and tickles our brains with a well-conceived, nostalgia-driven, observation of our current condition.
For those of you unaware, the scene depicted here comes from the 2006 film Blood Diamond, which starred Leonardo DiCaprio as an African, gunrunning, diamond smuggler of sorts (it's good!). Without draining the plot too much, during his adventures in trying to find a giant pink diamond, Leo crosses paths with a libtard American journo played by Jennifer Connolly. In the scene where Leo first meets Connolly, the two exchange coded white privilege barbs before he explains that he's not South African, he's Rhodesian. Connolly responds in AWFL journo fashion - by shaming Leo for deadnaming the Republic of Zimbabwe.
I'm not sure if this scene has been used as a meme template before, but this is the first time I've ever come across it on Twitter. Seeing those images side by side, paired with Dan's caption presents a window into the future, where normal Americans are shamed by white Marxist feminists for using "dated " and "harmful" language when referring to our conquered lands. The smugness on Connolly's face drips with self-satisfaction. What a great fucking meme.
Baltic is a funny guy, clearly well-read, over-educated, and depraved (i.e., perfect shit poster on Twitter). He's also the author of NUTCRANKR, a modern take on A Confederacy of Dunces - one of my favorite books of all time. Perhaps most shockingly, Dan's adaptation was great! NUTCRANKR expertly weaves the themes of the original into the horrors of contemporary American life. It's not just good, it's so good that it made me angry that I didn't think of the idea first. I highly recommend you fork over $8.99 and treat yourself to a satisfying NUT (he uses this catchphrase ad nauseam on social media, just roll with it).
Dan is also the co-host of @NewWritePod, which admittedly I have only listened to a few times, but enjoyed all the same (he never watched our documentaries, so fuck him). Go support his podcast. Why not, it costs you nothing. Be generous with your free subscriptioning, it helps content creators (like me) feel like our work isn't a total waste of time.
I reached out to @dan_baltic for comment on receiving this week's award and here is what he shared with me for publication:
See what I mean?
Some Flappr Blogs!
IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR, LEAVE A COMMENT AND LET US KNOW HOW WE DID!
I have some trepidation about the announcement ....I am grateful I got my tshirt and pins before the great rebranding!
Friendly reminder, journos aren't people and deserve to be bullied everywhere!
I love it! You make my week with this blog.
Thank you for another great set of TITS, flappr!
The people who read your blogs are not “nobodies” sir. Dallas sucks.