Torts Illustrated - The Trump Indictment

Editor's Note: In effort to expand our coverage on topics you care about, we've convinced Jarvis Best to become our Chief Legal Correspondent to help make hide and/or hair of legal matters of the day . . . though we must insist that any opinions shared herein should not be taken as legal advice or advice of any kind, really.

President Trump was once again indicted for having opinions and being perfect, this time in Georgia. The 974-page indictment has been described by experts as “almost certainly incredibly damning, based on what we've heard” and “very long.”

The indictment also states charges against President Trump’s alleged co-defendants, including alleged breast-enthusiast Rudy Giuliani, alleged lunatic Sidney Powell, and several other alleged people whose names escape us. With the Republican Presidential primary heating up, the question on the tip of everyone’s tongue is this: why the hell did Ron DeSantis allow this?

Ron DeTraitorous is "governor" of Florida and the top challenger for President Trump in the primary. Unhappy with polls showing him down, DeSantis has apparently decided to take “the low road” and allow yet another indictment to be issued against Trump.

Here is how the scheme works:

First, there’s the question of proximity. Georgia is RIGHT next to Florida. It's basically Florida’s hat.

Now let me ask you a question. If you were wearing a hat, would you control the hat, or would the hat control you? Exactly. Georgia can’t do anything without DeSanctus signing off on it.

Second, Scheming DeSantis lulled Trump into complacency by allowing him to easily win Florida in the 2020 election. On November 30, 2020, Florida assigned all of its electoral votes to Donald Trump. And who signed that certification? You guessed it: Meatball Ron. The fix was in.

Note that while Rod DeSantis’s behavior in certifying the election for Trump might seem like a pro-Trump move, of course there was a catch: the certification ONLY applied to Florida’s electoral votes, not Georgia’s.

The bait was set: Trump would have to call up Georgia and get their electoral votes himself. And apparently since asking for votes is a crime when Trump does it, the trap snapped shut and Georgia indicted Trump.

Still not convinced? Post-indictment Rick DeSantis has been even worse. In the aftermath of the indictment, patriotic Americans have been calling on Georgia governor Brian Kemp to either pardon Trump or fire the DA who brought the charges, thereby saving the nation the embarrassment of jailing one of its former Presidents. There’s only one problem: governors in Georgia do not have the pardon power, nor the power to fire DAs. But do you know who DOES have that power?

That’s right: Establishment Ron.

So there you have it. At a time when trust in democracy is at an all-time low, Ronald McDeSandwich has chosen to arrest his chief opponent for the Presidency. A lot of people have criticized the Trump campaign for focusing so much on DeSantis and comparatively little on President Biden, but when law enforcement is used as a political tool, it’s only appropriate to focus on the real villain here: Ron DisHonest.

To read more of Jarvis' insights, such as "[t]hat chick has huge tits" and "[j]ust once I want to have sex without being indicted" you can follow him on Twitter, here.