'Tis the Season. Family is coming to visit and I know you're worried about your libtard cousin ruining everyone's good time.
But you don't need to argue. Instead, have the family gather round the television and pop in a Christmas movie that will have everyone dreaming of a Right Christmas.
Here's my list of the Top 5 Right Wing Christmas movies of all time:
5. GREMLINS (1984): Economic Nationalism
Gizmo is an adorable creature who was smuggled into the country by an old Chinese guy. Its no coincidence that this movie was made in the early 80s when factories were being shipped overseas. Mogwai are an obvious allegory for Chinese made goods.
Sure, they may be cute (cheap) but that's just a cover for the danger they bring with them like lead paint, poisoned dog food, and murder.
The gremlins wreck havoc on the town the same way the Chinese have done to our economy for decades. But hey! At least we learned out lesson and the Chinese haven't snuck anything else terrible into our country!
4. THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1993): Pro-Death Penalty
Now, on the surface, Jack Skellington's arc is about his need to accept that you can't just be whatever you want.
It doesn't matter how much he wants to be Santa Claus, he's a skeleton man and is relegated to Halloween. However, his journey to reach beyond his station endangers the lives of many important people in his life, including his own.
In the climax of the film, after Jack has defeated the villain of the movie Oogie Boogie, and freed the captives, Oogie Boogie flees. Jack has won but he learned something from the Americans who tried to shoot him down in the midst of his own terror spree. Instead of letting the unarmed Oogie Boogie go, Jack murders him in cold blood. Not just to get justice, but because Ooogie will never rise above his evil station and Jack knows that. The only way to ensure everyone's safety is execution.
3. A CHRISTMAS CAROL (Any Number of Adaptations): Private Charity > Government
The fascinating thing about A Christmas Carol is the near throwaway line about what happens to the poor: “Have they no refuge or resource?” cried Scrooge. “Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?”
See, the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future weren't just trying to save Ebenezer Scrooge's immortal soul from eternal damnation by becoming more charitable. They were also trying to save poor Londoners from demented government bureaucrats.
2. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946): The Great Man Theory
George Bailey is Nietzsche's Übermensch come to life. A literal angel shows him that if he had never been born, literally everyone's lives would be worse.
Instead of wealth and comfort, there's poverty and death. Instead of family values, there's drinking and prostitution. Everyone's comfort and safety in Bedford Falls hinges on a single man. He's the be best Randian hero that Ayn Rand never wrote.
1. HOME ALONE (1990): Castle Doctrine
After his ditzy lib parents abandon him on Christmas, Kevin McCallister is faced with a truly horrifying prospect: crime has come to his quiet suburbs.
He can't call the police - they're useless. He's all alone. There's only one thing he can do: stand his ground and commit some ultra violent self-defense against two men (possible pedophiles) who seek to do him grave harm.
The Wet Bandits forfeited their lives the second they broke into his house. Kevin's only fault is that he didn't finish the job.
Honorable Mentions
HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS (Various Adaptations): creepy freaks who hate your community should be ostracized until they can assimilate.
THE SANTA CLAUSE (1994): Liberals that hate Christmas are just bitter that they didn't get exactly what they wanted as children. They grow up to become therapists. And we wonder why mental illness rates are through the roof.
NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION (1989): Shove Christmas down the throats of your childless liberal elite neighbors. Anyone who hates Christmas deserves the worst in life.
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